Maturing is realizing you don't need fun to have alcohol.
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Sorry I misunderstood you, but in my defense, I wasn't listening.
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In fact I DO have all the answers, and they are all "No".
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Stop hating on lazy people. We didn't even do anything.
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Drink wine. Live longer. Remember less.
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So… turns out I'm not an afternoon person either.
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If I go missing, follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide.
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Around here we don't hide crazy. We parade it on the porch and give it a cocktail.
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As soon as you say "My child would never", here they come nevering like they never nevered before.
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Don't ever let a recipe tell you how many chocolate chips to use. You measure that shit with your heart.
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I hate it when healthy me does the grocery shopping, because now chubby me needs a stack.
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Do what you love, and the money will follow. Ate pizza, drank wine, and took a 3-hour nap. Now I wait.
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I love it when my pet sighs. It's like "What ails you my furry little freeloader?"
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When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East".
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FREE belly rubs & treats (pets only, don't make it weird).
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Book club - Reading between the wines.
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Exercise makes you look better naked. So does wine. Your choice.
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I'm pretty sure my last words are going to be "Hold my beer and watch this!"
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I'm the girl who listens to gangsta rap on the way to the farmers market after yoga.
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Yoga class? I thought you said "Pour a glass".
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Laughter is the best medicine… or wine, it might have been wine.
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Some say the glass is half empty, some say it is half full… all I want to know is… are you going to drink that?
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I'm the kind of person who goes to a party and makes friends with the dog.
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I enjoy telling young folk I was born back in the 1900's.
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Cats don't tell police where the drugs are.
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I need a HUG...E bottle of wine.
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eHarmony matched me up with Jack Daniels.
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When life gives you lemons, just add vodka.
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Wine + Dinner = Winner
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Vodka - Happy water for fun people.
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Pro tip: To keep brownies fresh, eat them all in one sitting.
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I swear I have it all together. I just forgot where I put it.
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I like big mutts and I cannot lie.
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"The more I learn about people the more I like my dog." - Mark Twain
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This house has gone 0 days without a dog related incident.
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Ask not for whom the dog barks. It barks for thee.
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Beware: Dog can't hold its licker.
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Does anyone know which page of the bible explains how to turn water into wine? Asking for a friend.
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A meal without wine is called Breakfast.
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It's all fun and games until the wine runs out.
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It's not drinking alone if the dog is home.
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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.
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I only drink champagne when I'm happy and when I'm sad. Sometimes I drink it when I'm alone. When I have company I consider it obligatory. I trifle with it if I'm not hungry and drink it when I am. Otherwise I never touch it - unless I'm thirsty.
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There will be no working during drinking hours.
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"Drink Responsibly" means don't spill it.
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Friends don't let friends go thirsty.
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My therapist told me to cut back on wine. Then we laughed and laughed.
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Just because it's a bad idea, doesn't mean it won't be a good time.
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I wish my facial expressions would use their inside voice.
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What do you call a teacher who is happy on Monday? Retired.
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I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.
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I'm not responsible for what my face does when you talk.
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When a woman says "do whatever you want", do NOT do whatever you want.
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I can't turn water into wine, but I can turn whiskey and donuts into dinner.
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Lucky for me, I don't have enough friends for an intervention...
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If it requires pants or a bra, it's not happening today.
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Every family has one weird relative. If you don't know who it is, it's probably you.
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I changed all my passwords to 'incorrect' so that whenever I forget, it will tell me "Your password is incorrect".
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My book club only reads wine labels.
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If anyone asks... I'm drinking all this wine to collect corks for a project I saw on Pinterest.
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I don't always have the perfect comeback... but when I do, it's usually the next day in the shower.
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Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.
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Word for the day: "exhaustipated" - too tired to give a shit.
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First thing on my bucket list... is to fill my bucket with wine.
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Happiness is a glass of wine and a new TV show to binge watch.
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My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick, especially since his name is Steve.
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I've decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
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I amuse the shit out of myself.
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Red wine should always be allowed to breathe. If it isn't able to breathe, consider mouth-to-mouth.
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One minute we're young and fun and creative and dreaming... the next day we're turning down the radio in the car to see better.
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When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east".
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After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
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Welcome to adulthood. I hope you like ibuprofen.
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Too much of anything is bad, but too much whiskey is barely enough. - Mark Twain
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Alcohol - Because no great story every started with someone eating a salad.
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Your book club may have scintillating discussions, but mine can drink yours under the table.
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Dog hair - a condiment AND an accessory.
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Life is too short to cook for you people.
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Fun fact. If you drink wine fast enough, FitBit thinks you're running.
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I'm working from home... but as a bartender.
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Eat a salad they said, it's healthy. You know what never gets recalled? Pie.
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Based on my Netflix recommendations, I'm either a serial killer or a chef.
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My heart says wine and my stomach says chocolate, but my jeans say, for the love of God, woman, eat a salad.
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I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider's web.
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I used to drink... but that was hours ago.
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WEBINAR? I thought you said WINE BAR.
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It takes a lot of balls to golf like I do.
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It's just a plain fact that if mom doesn't know where it is, that shit is GONE.
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My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.
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They should put more wine in a bottle, so there's enough for two people.
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Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver.
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Sorry I slapped you, but it didn't seem like you'd ever stop talking and I panicked.
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I'm on my "cutting my own bangs" glass of wine.
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You use a wine stopper? That's adorable.
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Sometimes I stare at my husband when he isn't looking and think to myself, wow, he is one lucky son of a bitch.
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Warning: I talk back and I don't listen.
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Best friends don't care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine.
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When I ask how you're doing, please just say "good". Don't start telling me stuff.
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Let's drink wine and judge people.
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Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says "Don't listen to her, she's drunk."
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BESTIES - Because those other Ain't nobody got time for that...
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My credit card is starting to feel more like a gift card. "Not sure how much is on it, but we'll give it a try."
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I run like the winded.
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Novinophobia: the fear of running out of wine.
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I named my dog '5 miles' so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.
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I'm outdoorsy. I drink wine on the patio.
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I read recipes the same way I read Science Fiction. I get to the end and think, "That's not going to happen."
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Remember, as far as anyone knows, we are a nice, normal family.
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If I ever go missing, I would like my photo put on wine bottles instead of mil cartons. That way, by friends will know to look for me.
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None of my yoga pants have ever been to yoga.
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Of course I talk to myself. No one else will listen.
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This salad tastes like I'd rather be fat.
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I hate it when I think I'm buying organic vegetables, but when I get home, they're just regular donuts.
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My dentist told me I needed a crown, and I was like "I KNOW, RIGHT?"
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Some days I stay inside because it's too peopley out there.
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Karma is only a bitch if you are.
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I just read an article on the dangers of drinking..., scared the shit out of me. So that's it! After today, no more reading.
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I need a glass of wine. Or a bottle. Or a winery in Italy.
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Thank you, craft beer breweries, for making my drinking problem seem like a neat hobby.
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Frankly, autocorrect, I'm getting a little tired of your shirt.
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Am I perfect? No. But am I trying to be a better person? Also no.
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This wine tastes like everyone can make their own dinner.
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Work From Home Tip: Blowing on the wine in your mug will convince the people in your zoom meeting that it's hot coffee.
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If you think it's bad now, in 20 years this country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers.
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This wine is awful... get me another glass.
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Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
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I make wine disappear. What's your super power?
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Working from home tip - Blowing on the wine in your mug will convince the people in your zoom meeting that it's hot coffee.
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I'm not sure how many cookies it takes to be happy, but so far, it's not 27.
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Beware of the Dog. The cat is shady as hell also.
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Drunk me likes creating awkward situations for sober me.
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I save my carbs for cocktails. It's called "priorities".
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I still don't understand what a wine stopper is for.
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A day without wine is like ... just kidding, I have no idea.
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Step aside, Coffee. This is a job for alcohol!
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If you can read this, you need a refill.
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Procrastinate like there is a tomorrow.
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Kids, stop doing your homework. These cocktails aren't gonna refill themselves!
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I do yoga every day. Just kidding. I drink wine in my yoga pants.
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It's exhausting being a lover and not a fighter... especially when you know one good smack would end it.
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Sometimes, you meet someone and you know from the first moment you want to spend the rest of your life without them.
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I enjoy one glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.
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If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy.
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What doesn't kill us makes our drinks stronger.
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You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
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Another fine day ruined by responsibility.
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I'm not feeling very worky today.
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I would like to think I'll die a heroic death, but more likely I'll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
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I can achieve anything I put my mind to until it's boring or too hard.
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I'm not old... I'm mid-century modern
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Born to Party. Forced to work.
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Still waiting for those cookies I accepted on all those websites.
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Warning: Alcohol consumption will make you believe you are whispering. I assure you - you are not.
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'Just be yourself' is literally the worst piece of advice you could give me.
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Brunch (nown): The socialliy acceptable excuse for day drinking.
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