Coaster Sayings - the Quintessential List

This a my (hopefully continually growing) collection of what I call "Coaster Sayings"

If you've seen those cute saying on kitchen towels, coasters, plaques, etc., I HAVE TOO! And love them enough to collect them. Enjoy!

There will be no working during drinking hours.

"Drink Responsibly" means don't spill it.

Friends don't let friends go thirsty.

My therapist told me to cut back on wine. Then we laughed and laughed.

Just because it's a bad idea, doesn't mean it won't be a good time.

I wish my facial expressions would use their inside voice.

What do you call a teacher who is happy on Monday?     Retired.

I cook with wine.     Sometimes I even add it to the food.

I'm not responsible for what my face does when you talk.

When a woman says "do whatever you want", do NOT do whatever you want.

I can't turn water into wine, but I can turn whiskey and donuts into dinner.

Lucky for me, I don't have enough friends for an intervention...

If it requires pants or a bra, it's not happening today.

Every family has one weird relative.     If you don't know who it is, it's probably you.

I changed all my passwords to 'incorrect' so that whenever I forget, it will tell me "Your password is incorrect".

My book club only reads wine labels.

If anyone asks... I'm drinking all this wine to collect corks for a project I saw on Pinterest.

I don't always have the perfect comeback... but when I do, it's usually the next day in the shower.

Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

Word for the day: "exhaustipated" - too tired to give a shit.

First thing on my bucket list... is to fill my bucket with wine.

Happiness is a glass of wine and a new TV show to binge watch.

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick, especially since his name is Steve.

I've decided not to have kids.     The kids are taking it pretty hard.

I amuse the shit out of myself.

Red wine should always be allowed to breathe.     If it isn't able to breathe, consider mouth-to-mouth.

One minute we're young and fun and creative and dreaming... the next day we're turning down the radio in the car to see better.

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east".

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.

Welcome to adulthood.     I hope you like ibuprofen.

Too much of anything is bad, but too much whiskey is barely enough. - Mark Twain

Alcohol - Because no great story every started with someone eating a salad.

Your book club may have scintillating discussions, but mine can drink yours under the table.

Dog hair - a condiment AND an accessory.

Life is too short to cook for you people.

Fun fact.     If you drink wine fast enough, FitBit thinks you're running.

I'm working from home... but as a bartender.

Eat a salad they said, it's healthy.     You know what never gets recalled?     Pie.

Based on my Netflix recommendations, I'm either a serial killer or a chef.

My heart says wine and my stomach says chocolate, but my jeans say, for the love of God, woman, eat a salad.

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider's web.

I used to drink... but that was hours ago.

WEBINAR?     I thought you said WINE BAR.

It takes a lot of balls to golf like I do.

It's just a plain fact that if mom doesn't know where it is, that shit is GONE.

My train of thought derailed.     There were no survivors.

They should put more wine in a bottle, so there's enough for two people.

Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver.

Sorry I slapped you, but it didn't seem like you'd ever stop talking and I panicked.

I'm on my "cutting my own bangs" glass of wine.

You use a wine stopper?     That's adorable.

Sometimes I stare at my husband when he isn't looking and think to myself, wow, he is one lucky son of a bitch.

Warning: I talk back and I don't listen.

Best friends don't care if your house is clean.     They care if you have wine.

When I ask how you're doing, please just say "good".     Don't start telling me stuff.

Let's drink wine and judge people.

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking.     The other part says "Don't listen to her, she's drunk."

BESTIES - Because those other Ain't nobody got time for that...

My credit card is starting to feel more like a gift card.     "Not sure how much is on it, but we'll give it a try."

I run like the winded.

Novinophobia: the fear of running out of wine.

I named my dog '5 miles' so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.

I'm outdoorsy.     I drink wine on the patio.

I read recipes the same way I read Science Fiction.     I get to the end and think, "That's not going to happen."

Remember, as far as anyone knows, we are a nice, normal family.

If I ever go missing, I would like my photo put on wine bottles instead of mil cartons.     That way, by friends will know to look for me.

None of my yoga pants have ever been to yoga.

Of course I talk to myself.     No one else will listen.

This salad tastes like I'd rather be fat.

I hate it when I think I'm buying organic vegetables, but when I get home, they're just regular donuts.

My dentist told me I needed a crown, and I was like "I KNOW, RIGHT?"

Some days I stay inside because it's too peopley out there.

Karma is only a bitch if you are.

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking..., scared the shit out of me. So that's it! After today, no more reading.

I need a glass of wine.     Or a bottle.     Or a winery in Italy.

Thank you, craft beer breweries, for making my drinking problem seem like a neat hobby.

Frankly, autocorrect, I'm getting a little tired of your shirt.

Am I perfect?     No.     But am I trying to be a better person?     Also no.

This wine tastes like everyone can make their own dinner.

Work From Home Tip: Blowing on the wine in your mug will convince the people in your zoom meeting that it's hot coffee.

If you think it's bad now, in 20 years this country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers.

This wine is awful... get me another glass.

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

I make wine disappear.     What's your super power?

Working from home tip - Blowing on the wine in your mug will convince the people in your zoom meeting that it's hot coffee.

I'm not sure how many cookies it takes to be happy, but so far, it's not 27.

Beware of the Dog.     The cat is shady as hell also.

Drunk me likes creating awkward situations for sober me.

I save my carbs for cocktails.     It's called "priorities".

I still don't understand what a wine stopper is for.

A day without wine is like ... just kidding, I have no idea.

Step aside, Coffee.     This is a job for alcohol!

If you can read this, you need a refill.

Procrastinate like there is a tomorrow.

Kids, stop doing your homework.     These cocktails aren't gonna refill themselves!

I do yoga every day.     Just kidding.     I drink wine in my yoga pants.

It's exhausting being a lover and not a fighter... especially when you know one good smack would end it.

Sometimes, you meet someone and you know from the first moment you want to spend the rest of your life without them.

I enjoy one glass of wine each night for its health benefits.     The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy.

What doesn't kill us makes our drinks stronger.

You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.

Another fine day ruined by responsibility.

I'm not feeling very worky today.

I would like to think I'll die a heroic death, but more likely I'll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.

It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty.     Clearly, there is room for more wine.