This guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills and says to
the bartender, whats that for. The bartender says put a $100 and i'll
tell ya. so the guy does and the bartender says well first you have to
drink this whole bottle of whisky. Then you hafta go knock out the
bouncer with one punch then you must go downstairs and get a tooth from
the bulldog. After that you go upstairs and screw the lesbian lady. So
the drinks the whisky, knocks out the bouncer and then goes down for the
tooth. Everyone hears a moaning sound and then the guy comes up and
says, now where's that bitch with the loose tooth.
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A man named Larry goes into a bar and orders a bottle of beer. Larry
sits down and hears a bunch of noise in the background. Larry asks the
bartender about the noise. The bartender tells him that they're playing
barroom football. So Larry decides to go and check it out.
He walks in and asks how to play and if he can play. A man named Joe
tells him that in order to score a touchdown, you have to drink a can of
beer within 10 seconds and to go for the extra point, you gotta pull down
your pants and fart.
So they play for a while and Larry goes for the touchdown and drinks the
beer in 8 seconds. So Larry pulls down his pants to go for the extra
point. All of a sudden, a man comes up from behind and sticks his weiner
up Larry's ass.
Larry jumps and says, "What the hell did you do that for?"
The man answers, "I was trying to block the extra point!!!"
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A guy walks into a bar...........
He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the
john.
he does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it.
saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.
after a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to
his beer, saying, SO DID I.
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"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return
for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his
privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as
the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and
rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his
mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd
cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100
who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of
the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise
not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
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Man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the
counter. Bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" Man says
"But this is a Seeing Eye dog!" Bartender says "Well, OK, then I guess
it can stay."
After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As
they're going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in.
First man says "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here,
but just tell him it's a Seeing Eye dog and then it'll be OK." Second
man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a few seconds, thanks
the first man and goes on in.
Bartender says "Hey! You can't bring that Chihuahua in here!" Man
stares straight ahead and exclaims "What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!"
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A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender brings his
beer, and says " None of my business, mister, but how come you got such a
small head?"
The guy sips his beer, and says, " Well, a few years back, I was
shipwrecked on a small island. After a couple of weeks of being there, I
found this bottle, and when I rubbed it a genie came out. She said ' For
releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes.' So, being
shipwrecked, I wished to be rescued.' A ship is on its way' she says.
Next, I wished to be rich.' You will have untold wealth when you return
home'. Well, having been on the island alone for awhile, I wished to
have sex with the genie. She said, 'I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to do
that.' So I says, Well how about giving me a little head?"
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
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A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. "Get that pig
out of here!" yelled the bartender.
"That's not a pig, stupid!" she replied, "That's a duck!"
"I know!" said the bartender, "I was talking to the duck!"
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A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely
examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk
for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.
"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it
between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he
finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i
don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
"From my nose," the drunk replied.
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A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into
then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and
stops the guy.
"What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.
"So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager.
"well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a
siren on the roof!".
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While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat
down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and
the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm
celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my
gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm
a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today
they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
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A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an
older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor
coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says,
"Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied,
"Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't
you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"
The drunk says, "'Cos I'm not finished yet..."
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Vampire #1: Walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Bloody Mary.
Vampire #2: Walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Bloody Mary.
Vampire #3: Walks into the bar.
bartender: Says, "Let me guess, you want a Bloody Mary"
Vampire #3: Replies, "No, just give me a cup of hot water." He then
pulls out a bloody tampon and says, "I'm having tea today!"
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One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands
and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked
the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had
tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist. The
man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began
assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes
without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped.
"About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. "Why, pray tell,"
the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost
it a half a block up the street?" The drunk replied, "The light is a lot
better here."
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A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that cane, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing
will."
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A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge
her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do
that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it worked for your
ass."
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A guy walks into a bar.
Ouch.
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Three strings arrive at a bar. The bar has a sign that clearly says, "No
strings," but they decide to try anyway. The first string approaces the
bartender and says, "Give me a drink!" The bartender says, "No, we don't
serve stri ngs here." and sends him away. The second string decides that
politeness is they key to success, so he walks up to the bartender and
says, "Please, mister bartender, may I have a drink?" The bartender
says, "No, we don't serve strings here." and sends h im away. The third
string then has a sudden idea. He goes into the bathroom, messes up his
hair, and tucks his head into his belt. He then walks up to the bar and
asked the bartender for a drink. "Excuse me." says the bartender, "But
are you a string? "
The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
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A guy walks into a bar with a dog. "This dog is the smartest dog in the
world." he says. "He can answer any question." "Oh yeah?" says one of
the patrons. "Prove it!" The man turns to his dog, and asks, "What is
over our head? " "Roof!" "How does bark feel?" "Ruff!" "Who is the
greastest baseball player who ever lived?" "Ruth!" The patrons, growing
tired of the show, throw the man and his dog out of the bar. The dog
then turned to the man and asked, "Should I have said Joe Dimaggio?"
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A man walks into a bar, and finds a friend of his nursing a very large
drink. "Fred!" he says. "What is the matter?" Fred slowly looks up
from his drink and says, "My wife of thirty years just ran off with my
best friend." "But Fred!" exclaims the man. "I'm your best friend!"
Fred turns back to his drink. "Not anymore."
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A panda walks into a bar. The bartender says "hey, we don't serve pandas
here." But the panda says "Just give me something to eat, and then I'll
go." The bartender says "Oh, all right." So the panda eats the food
that the bartend er gives him. So the bartender says, "OK, now you have
to leave." But the panda says "Oh no I don't." and he (the panda) pulls
out a gun!!! and pow! pow! shoots up the bar. The Panda starts to leave.
The bartender says "Hey! you can't just leave after s hooting at us!" the
panda says "Oh, yes I can. Look me up in the dictionary." So the panda
leaves and the bartender gets out a dictionary and looks up panda. It
says: "Panda - eats shoots and leaves."
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A guy walks into a bar in the top of the Space Needle. A guy says to him
"Hey, if you jump out the window, the air currents will spin you around a
couple of times and then you'll fly right back in. Watch." So the man
in the bar le aps out the window and what he says happens. He spins
around and falls back in the room. The other man says "WOW! I want to
try!" So he leaps out the window and falls and splats on the ground.
The bartender says to the first man "Geeze Superman, you're re ally mean
when you're drunk."
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A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as
the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find
that he was out of hazlenut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together
a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came
in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This
isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender,
"it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
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A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Sorry." says the
bartender. "We don't serve food here."
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Mister," says the man
sitting at the stool next to him, "That is the greenest drink that I have
ever seen." So, the first guy says the punchline.
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A man walks into a bar, looking very depressed. He goes to the bar and
orders a drink. The barman brings it to him and asks, "Do you want to
talk about it? You look a bit down in the dumps".
The man says, "Well, I've suspected for months that my wife has been
cheating on me, so today I took the day off work to follow her and when I
came home, I caught her with my best friend!"
"Wow, that must have been difficult!" the barman says. "What exactly do
you say to your best friend in a situation like that?"
"Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for
me and one for my best buddy."
Bartender says, "You want them both now or do you want me to wait until
your buddy arrives to pour his?"
The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my
pocket here."
He then pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks, "You mean to say, he can drink that much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted. So,
the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it
all up.
"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he
walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey,
Rodney, go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of
the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing!" he says. "What else
can he do? Does he talk?"
The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and
says, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we
were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native
Witch doctor an asshole!"
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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down a
monkey swings across the bar and urinates in the pint. The man asks the
barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The
man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey just
urinated in my beer?" The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it I'll
play it."
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There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that
for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next
to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The
poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just
joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man
crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First,
I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me.
When I leave the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen.
The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home,
and when I leave the cab, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards
there. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the
gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking
about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison...
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A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but
he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink." So he sits down at
the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's the name of your
penis?"
The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell
me the name of your penis."
So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer
and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to left,
with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX." The guy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on
tickin'!"
A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a
fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his
right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job
1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up
with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The
name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins
to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"
The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a
woman!"
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A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap.
He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bars are
cocksuckers, Anyone got a problem with that?"
Everyone is understandably silent.
He then chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side
of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"
Everyone is silent, again.
Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
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A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like
a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender
walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't
need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone
installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it."
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The
bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's
incredible", says the bartender... "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you
name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs
him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and
he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the
men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are
pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."
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A guy walks into a bar with an old-fashioned lamp in one hand and a tiny
little man, not more than a foot high, sitting perched on his shoulder.
He sets the little guy down on the piano stool and the midget begins to
play beautifully.
Everyone stops playing darts and shooting pool and gathers 'round the
piano to listen to this tiny fellow play. When he finishes the audience
bursts into applause and the bartender asks "say, where'd you find a
little guy like that who could play the piano so wonderfully?"
The man says "well I have this magic lamp right here, you rub it and
there's a little genie inside who will grant your every request. wanna
give it a try?"
"Sure!" says the bartender, rubs the lamp, and says "I want a million
bucks!" Suddenly the room is filled with a loud quacking noise as a
million ducks appear out of thin air. The bartender says "what's going
on!? I said i wanted a million BUCKS!"
The owner of the lamp says "oh, i forgot to warn you -- the genie's a
little hard of hearing. You didn't think i really wanted a 12-inch
pianist, did you?"
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A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody
sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee
queer.
The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya???
Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a
taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys,
he's one of us!"
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A guy walks into a bar. The guy behind him ducks.
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Two penguins walk into a bar. A third penguin says, "Funny. You'd have
thought the second one would have seen it."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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A horde of lemmings walks into a bar.
"Ouch!"
"Ouch!"
"Ouch!"
"Ouch!"
"Ouch!"
"Ouch!"
"Ouch!"
"Ouch!"
"Ouch!"
"Ouch!"
"Ouch!"
"Ouch!"
...
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A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I don't have any money
but if I show you something you've never seen before, will you give me a
drink?" It's a slow afternoon and the bartender agrees. The guy pulls a
hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the bar. The rodent scampers
down the bar, leaps onto the piano and plays a pretty good rendition of
"Basin Street Blues" by jumping from key to key. When it's done, it runs
back and dives back in the guy's pocket. The bartender is impressed and
give the guy a double. While the guy is sipping his drink, the bartender
tries to buy the hamster. He offers the guy $50, $100, $250, and
finally, $500 for the animal but the guy won't sell. The guy finishes
his drink and says, "I'd sure like another. If I show you something else
you've never seen, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Yeah, but not the hamster again. I've seen that."
The guy reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a frog and places it
on the bar. He then pulls the hamster out and sets it next to the frog.
While the hamster just sits there, the frog sings "Vesti La Giubba" from
Il Palliacci. The bartender gives the guy another drink and tries to buy
the frog. This time, the guy lets the animal go for $200.
The guy pockets the money, finishes his drink and heads for the door.
The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why would you sell me the frog but
not the hamster?"
The guy responds from the door, "A frog's a frog but a hamster that plays
the piano AND does ventriloquism?..."
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A guy walks into a bar wearing transparent pants. The bartender takes
one look at him and yells, "YOU! OUT! We don't allow crazy people in
here."
The guy says, "What makes you think I'm crazy?"
The bartender says, "I can clearly see your nuts."
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a lovely, well-dressed woman sitting by
herself at the bar. He sits next to her and, before he can say a word,
she turns to him and says, "I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, for
any reason."
The guy says, "What a coincidence. I'm a lawyer, too."
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An Irishman walks into a pub with a steering wheel sticking out of his
pants. The bartender says, "Fer the love of Jaysus, Pat. Did you know
you've a steering wheel sticking out of your fly?"
The Irishman answers, "Faith and don't I know it , Mike. It's drivin' me
nuts."
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A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
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Two five dollar bills walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry
but I can't serve you. This is a singles bar."
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A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender orders him out. The
mushroom asks, "Why can't I stay? I'm a fun guy."
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A doctor, a lawyer and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender asks,
"What is this, some kind of joke?"
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A guy walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me seven shots of
Lagavullin, and hurry." The bartender lines up the shots and the guys
pounds them down, one after another. When he's finished, he heaves a
sigh and says, "You know, I really shouldn't be drinking like this with
what I've got."
The bartender says, "Oh yeah? What do you have?"
The guy answers, "About a buck and a quarter."
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey pal. Why the long
face?"
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An Irishman walks out of a bar.
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A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "The highballs are on me."
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A skeleton walks onto a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.
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Six guys walk into a bar. They order beers and sit, talking at a table
for a while. One of them comes up to the bartender and says, "I'll bet
you $100 dollars that I can stand at one end of the bar and pee into a
shotglass at the other end of the bar and not spill a drop. If I can't,
I'll pay you the $100 and clean it up." The bartender figures he's got
nothing to lose and takes him up on it. The guy stands at one end of the
bar and doesn't even come close to hitting the shotglass at the other
end. The guy pays him the $100 and starts cleaning up the mess. The
bartender is happy at making an easy hundred but notices that the guy is
smiling while he's cleaning and asks him, "Why are you smiling? You're
out a hundred bucks and you're cleaning the bar."
The guy says, "I bet the five guys I came in with $500 apiece that I
could pee on the bar and make you happy about it."
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A doctor walks into a bar every evening. He's a regular and every
evening he orders an almond daquiri. It's an odd drink but he's a good
tipper and the bartender accomadates him. One evening, he comes in and
the bartender puts a drink down in front of him. The doctor sips it and
says, "This isn't an almond daquiri."
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, doctor. I ran out of almonds and all I
had was hickory nuts so I used those."
The doctor says, "You mean...?"
"I'm afraid so." the bartender says. "It's a hickory daquiri, doc."
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A guy walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the trouble
starts." He finishes it and says, "Give me another. I may have time
before the trouble starts." He drinks the second one and says, "Give me
one more. I think the trouble's gonna start any time."
The bartender says, "Hey. This is a nice, quiet bar. Why do you think
any kind of trouble is going to start."
The guy says, "Because you're about to find out that I don't have any
money."
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A blind guy walks into a bar and finds a stool. "Hey, want to hear a
really great blond joke?" he asks when the bartender brings him his
drink. The place goes quiet, then the guy sitting on his left leans over
and says in a low voice: "Before you tell that joke, you should know
something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6'
tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt in karate. The guy sitting on your
right is blonde, 6'2," weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to
his right is 6'5" and pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. We're all blonds.
Think about it, pal. You really want to tell that joke?
The blind guy thinks for a minute, then says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have
to explain it five times."
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A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender serves it up
and the neutron asks, "How much is that?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
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A guy walks into a bar wearing jumper cables around his neck. The
bartender says, "Okay, you can come in but don't start anything."
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A guy walks into a bar. The only empty seat is next to a fellow who has
a dog under his stool. The first guy asks, "Does your dog bite?"
The second guy says, "Of course not."
The first guy sits down and the dog promptly bites him. He says, "It
hought you said your dog doesn't bite!."
The second guy says, "That's not my dog."
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A baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?"
The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."
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A guy walks into a bar and sits by himself. Suddenly, he hears someone
say, "Nice suit." Nobody's sitting near him and he figures that it's the
TV and goes back to his drink. A minute or two later, a voice near him
says, "Good looking tie, too. It sets off your eyes." He looks around,
still sees nobody near him and notices the TV is off, too. He calls down
to the bartender, "Hey, were you talking to me?"
The bartender says, "Don't pay any attention. It's the peanuts. They're
complimentary."
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A hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve
food here."
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A snake crawls into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry. I can't serve
you."
The snake asks, "Why not?"
The bartender replies, "Because you can't hold your liquor."
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A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. He sits at the bar and
the bartender asks, "So what's your story?"
The frog says, "Well, it started as a wart on my ass."
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A guy walks into a bar, orders a double and sits at the bar, drinking
steadily and looking unhappy. The bartender asks him what's the trouble.
The guy says, "Well, I'm feeling pretty guilty. I had sex with one of my
patients."
The bartender says, "Oh, you're a doctor. Listen doc, if she wasn't a
minor and you both agreed, what's the real harm?"
The guy says, "You don't quite understand. I'm a vet."
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A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender asks,
"What can I do for you?"
The duck answers, "Well, you could get this guy off my ass."
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A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes
$5. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the
bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The
second man then rushes in, orders a beer and pulls the same stunt. The
barkeeper replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
The second guy leaves, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free
drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls
when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny
thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid
and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to
get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just
give me my change and I'll be on my way."
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A 5-foot tall guy walks into a bar, has a drink then asks, "Who's the
meanest, toughest guy here?"
This guy 6'4" stands up and says "I am." The little guy goes over and
beats up the big man and leaves.
Next day same thing happens - the little guy orders a drink and proceeds
to beat up the baddest man in the bar and then leaves.
This goes on for 2 weeks straight. Finally the bartender decides to do
something so he buys a mean man-eating gorilla and locks him in the
bathroom.
Next day the little man comes in orders a drink says "Who's the baddest
man here?"
Bartender says "He's in the bathroom!"
After 10 minutes of screaming and yelling the little guy comes out of the
bathroom and tells the bartender, "When the guy wakes up, tell him his
fur coat is in the trash can!"
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A guy walks into a bar with a big chunk of asphalt under his arm and
says, "Give me a beer and one for the road."
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A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, "A beer for me, and one
for the giraffe, please." So they proceed to drink. Then the guy orders
"...a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too" And they keep drinking
all evening.
Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the
tab and gets up to leave. The bartender shouts out, "Hey! You're not
going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?"
"That's not a lion... it's a giraffe."
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A blonde law student walks into a bar and asks, "Is this where I take the
exam?"
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A guy walks into bar on the 30th floor of a building. The only people in
it are the bartender and another man, named Clark. So our friend, who we
will call Steve, sits down and orders a drink. After a few minutes,
Clark says to Steve, "I bet you if you jumped out of the window the wind
would blow you back in." Steve says, "Yeah, right. Lets see you do it
first." Clark jumps out the window, and sure enough, the wind blows him
right back in. Steve says, "do that again, and then I'll try it." Clark
does it again. "OK," Steve says, and hops out the window, falling 30
stories to his death. Clark goes back over to the bar, and sits back
down. The bartender says, "You know, sometimes you're a real jerk,
Superman."
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A penguin walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for my brother. Have
you seen him?"
The bartender says. "Jeez, pal. I don't know. What does he look like?"
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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could
buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's
have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to
Dublin."
"Of course."
The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go
to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62"
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in unison.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk
again."
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A dog with three feet limps into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man
who shot my paw."
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A guy has a few too many drinks one night, and as he's leaving the bar,
he falls over. "I better crawl till I'm in the fresh air," he says, and
crawls outside. He stands up again, and falls on his face. He says,
"Geez, I guess I should crawl home too," and does so. At his front door,
he tries to stand up, and again falls over. "My God," he says, "did I
really have that much to drink? I'll just crawl to bed." He does, and
falls asleep quickly. The next day, his wife wakes him and says, "Honey,
you must really have been drunk last night. The bar called and said you
left your wheelchair!"
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A big limousine pulls up to the curb and a good-looking, well-dressed guy
carrying a suitcase gets out and walks into a bar. He orders a drink and
then asks the bartender if he wants to see something amazing. The
bartender responds in the positive and the guy opens the suitcase and
pulls out a miniature piano, which he sets on the bar. Then, a little
man, about a foot tall, appears from the suitcase as well. The little
guy sits at the piano and plays a beautiful version of "Moonlight Becomes
You". The bartender is suitably impressed and, of course, asks the guy
where he got the tiny piano player.
The guy orders another drink and tells this tale:
"About a year ago, I was on my last legs. I was out of work, broke,
living on the street and had a disfiguring disease that made me horrible
to look at. One day, I was going through a dumpster, looking for food
and came upon a lamp. Thinking I could sell it, I rubbed some of the
dirt off and, POOF!, a genie appeared before me and offered me three
wishes. Well, obviously, I wanted lots of money and he gave it to me. I
never have to worry about working again. I then asked to be cured of my
disfiguring disease. He granted that, too and left me the good-looking
guy I used to be. And then..." He paused, deep in thought.
The bartender asked, "Did the genie give you the little guy and the
piano, too?"
The guy responded, "Yeah he gave it to me but I think he didn't hear my
request quite right. I mean, why would anyone want a 12-inch pianist?"
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A guy walks into a bar and asks, "What kind of beer do you have?"
The bartender whispers his reply in a very hoarse voice, "Budweiser,
Miller light and Coors."
The guy asks, "Do you have laryngitis?"
The bartender answers, "No, just Budweiser, Miller light and Coors."
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A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink and says, "I'm not from around
here. Do you have five-foot tall penguins roaming the streets here?"
The bartenders says, "Of course not."
The guy says, "Better make that a double. I just ran over a nun."
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A brain goes into a pub and says to the barman "I'll have a pint please".
The barman says "Sorry, I can't serve you, you're out of your head".
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A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre...........so the
barman gave her one!
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A man walks in to a nice upscale bar and finds himself sitting next to a
gorgeous redhead. He can't help checking her out, as surreptitiously as
possible, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and
her glass eye comes flying out of its socket. The man reflexively
snatches it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am sooo sorry,"
the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner
to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they find a cozy
little jazz club and settle in. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for
everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a
nightcap... and breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal
with champagne and all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had
been incredible!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
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A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink and sits there, sipping and
muttering angrily to himself. The bartender asks what the problem is.
All the guy says is, "All lawyers are assholes." A man sitting in the
corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"
The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
He replies, "Hell no, I'm an asshole."
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A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink
when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near
him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."
The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or
something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that
the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.
"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"
"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."
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A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.
The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants. They were
skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or
velcro) for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her
hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?"
"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."
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A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of Jack Daniels and slams them
all down in a flash. He looks at the bartender and orders 3 more and
does the same thing. By now the bartender is wondering what is wrong
with this guy so he asks him what his problem is. The guy looks up and
says " I don't have a problem, I'm celebrating my first blow job!"
The bartender looks with a smile and says," well that's just dandy, let
me get the next one!"
"No thanks", says the guy, "if 6 shots won't wash the taste out, the 7th
won't help either!!!"
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A guy walks into a bar one night. after spending all his money, he says
to the bartender "i'll bet you 10 bucks that i can bite my right eye."
The bartender thinks on this and says "sure, you're on"
Well the guy takes out his right eye and bites it.
The bartender shakes his head and hands him 10 bucks.
A little while later after spending the money the guy says to the
bartender "i'll bet you 20 bucks i can bite my left eye"
Well the bartender thinks on this. he has watched the guy mingling around
the bar,so he knows he has at least one good eye, so he says "you're on"
The guy proceeds to take out his teeth and bite his left eye.
The bartender shakes his head and hands the guy 20 bucks.
A little while later after spending the money the guy says to the
bartender "i'll bet you 50 bucks that i can pee in a shot glass at the
other end of the bar."
The bartender looks at the guy and then looks at the other end of the
bar....ten feet away. he thinks to himself that there is no way for the
guy to win this bet, so he says "you're on"
The guy then climbs up on top of the bar, aims at the shot glass at the
other end of the bar and....pees all over the bar.
The bartender smiling starts to wipe up the pee.
The guy hands the bartender his 50 bucks laughing.
The bartender puzzled by the laughter asks "you just lost 50 bucks, why
are you laughing?"
The guy turns and says "well, see that group of people over a that
table....i just bet them 150 bucks that i could pee on your bar and that
you'd clean it up with a smile."
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A man walks into a bar and the bartender asks him "What'll you have?".
The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink,
and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you
talking about? I don't owe you anything for this". A lawyer, sitting
nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You
know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a
binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of
remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy,
"Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here
again". The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says,
"What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the
audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? I've
never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm
very sorry, but it's uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy
replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
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A guy goes into a classy bar. This bar has a dress code, and the maitre
d' demands he wear a tie. Discouraged, the guy goes to his car to sulk
when inspiration strikes: He's got jumper cables in the trunk! So he
wraps them around his neck, sort of like a string tie and returns to the
bar....The maitre d' is reluctant, but says to the guy; "Okay, you can
come in... but just don't start anything"!....
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A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around
here... where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?" The guy
responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...
what the heck is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount dead
animals."....The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK
boys, he's one of us.
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A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers? " Bartender says no.
Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?"
bar tender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks
got any crackers? Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day
before that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your beak
shut!" Duck walks out. Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any
nails?" bartender says no. Duck says "good. Got any crackers?"
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and
peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it
down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does
the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the
bill, pays and starts to walk out.
Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy "Excuse
me, but I noticed that everytime you drank a shot, you kept looking into
your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."
The guys slurs "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep
drinking until she starts to look good."
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A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He starts eating
the beer nuts at the bar and he hears a voice say,
"Wow! You look GREAT tonight!"
The man looks over at the bartender who didn't say anything and just
keeps drinking and eating beer nuts and he hears something again!
"That's an awesome shirt! You are amazing!"
He looks around and he's the only guy in the place so asks the bartender
if he had heard anything and the bartender says, "Was the voice saying
bad things or good things?"
And the man replies, "Good things, why?"
And the bartender says, "It must have been the complimentary nuts."
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A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy
everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!"
The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells
"CHEERS!" and downs their drinks.
The bartender says "That'll be $37.50."
The drunk says, "Kiss my big white ass, 'cuz I don't have any money!"
This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats the
living hell out of the drunk and throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, "I'd like
to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too"
The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day
before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He makes
the drinks and they all say, "Salute!" and down the drinks.
The bartender says, "That'll be $42,50."
The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers,
and making a loud raspberry noise followed by, "I don't have any money
and you can kiss my big white ass!"
This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He jumps over
the bar and beats the hell out of the drunk and throws him out into the
street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good measure.
The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can
say anything the bartender says, "Let me guess, you want to buy the whole
bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?"
The drunk replies, "No way, you get too violent when you drink!"
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A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he dares have only one
beer. The bartender asks him what the problem is, and he replies "The
last time I came in drunk at 3:00 A.M. my wife was so bent out of shape
we damn neared ended up in divorce court."
The bartender replies "I'll you what, all you have to do is give her an
extra special treat and she'll forget her little mad."
"Such as?" asks the patron.
"Do you ever go down on her?"
The patron replies, "I really can't bring myself to do that, and, in
fact, the mere thought of it makes me sick to my stomach!"
"I'd get over it if I were you." replies the bartender. "Just think,
she'll be so grateful and no matter how loaded you are you won't be all
stressed-out trying to keep it up and end up resorting to soft-packing."
"I'll give it a try. And now, get me a double Manhattan!"
Our hero stumbles in the house blind-drunk and having a hard time
containing his guts. "I'll get this over quick and hope not to upchuck
all over her." he thinks. "I don't EVEN want to see it," he tells
himself and so goes into the bedroom without even turning on the light
and dives straight under the covers at the foot of the bed.
The response in incredible!
Our hero's response is an incredible wave of nausea so he rushes into the
bathroom where he sees his wife sitting on the toilet taking a tinkle.
"I don't know how you beat me in here," he says "but be quick! I've got
an emergency!"
"Shut up you damn drunk." she hisses. "Your mother's in there trying to
sleep!!"
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This white guy walks into a bar and he starts talking with a black guy
who is sitting next to him. After a couple of beers they decide to go
take a pee together. As they are in the men's room, the white guy
glances at the black's dick.
"Gee, I really wish I had a dick like that," says the white guy.
"Well", says the black, "all you have to do is hit your penis on the bath
tab for ten minutes every morning, and you'll get it."
The other guy thanks him for his advice and walks out of the bar.
Some months later they meet again in the same bar, and they start
talking.
"Well", says the black man, "did you take the advice?"
"I did," says the other guy.
"So, let me see."
The white guy lowers his pants and shows him his penis.
"Ha!" says the black guy, "at least you made the color like mine!!"
(nikos GR)
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A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse behind the bar serving
drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says, "Hey
buddy? What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving
drinks before?"
The guy says, "No, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the
parrot would sell the place."
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A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of
here with that dog!"
The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the
piano!"
The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can
stay... and have a drink on the house!"
So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing.
Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.
Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the
neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all
about?"
The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a
doctor."
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A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender
says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you
something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a
hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the
bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard
and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that
before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the
drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy
reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on
the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great
pitch--a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over
to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the
stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says
to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300?
It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."
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This drunk staggers into a bar, bumping into customers and spilling
drinks as he makes his way to the bar. The bartender sees what is going
on and is pissed at the drunk when he finally makes it to the bar. "Get
out of here!" says the bartender.
"I gotta go to the baffroom," slurs the drunk.
"I said get the hell outta here or I'll throw you out!!" yells the
bartender.
"I gotta go baffroom," says the drunk and starts to drop his drawers.
"Hold on, hold on" says the bartender "alright, you can go to the
bathroom, but afterwards you get the hell out of my bar!"
The drunk agrees and stumbles off to the bathroom. After about 5
minutes, everyone hears this loud scream. Dead silence in the bar.
Another loud scream-from the bathroom. The bartender and a few customers
run to the bathroom. There's the drunk sitting down.
"What the hell is going on?" asks the bartender.
"I went, and every time I try to flush the toilet, it crushes my nuts!"
says the drunk.
"Why, you stupid shit!" said the bartender. "You're sitting on my mop
bucket!!"
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This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a
whiskey.
"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it
with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the
trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they
call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."
He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the
loch?" He continues, "AH built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the
loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they
call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."
"But ye fuck ONE sheep...."
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A guy walks into a bar and tells everyone there "Give me all your money,
watches, jewelry and anything else of value or I will inject you with the
AIDS virus." Then he produces a syringe. One by one everyone hands over
all their stuff except one man at the end of the bar.
"I told you to hand over all your stuff or I'll inject you with the AIDS
virus."
The man at the bar said "Go ahead, I'm wearing a condom."
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Greg lives above a bar, and one day he was walking up the stairs after
losing his job. A man comes up to him and says, "You are looking really
down. I know how to make you feel better. Watch this. I'll jump off
the 4th story and be sucked in the 2nd."
He jumps off and was sucked in through the 2nd story window.
"Wow, that was cool, I'm gonna do it!" says Greg.
Greg jumps off the roof and landed hard on the ground, dead. The man who
was safe in the 2nd story walked down to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says to him, "Superman, you shouldn't mess with people's
minds like that."
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4 gay guys walk into a bar there is only one stool. What do they do?
They turn it over.
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This fag walks into a bar and sits down at the counter and orders a beer.
The bartender takes one look at him and says "We don't serve your kind in
here. Get the hell out."
The fag says "It's hotter than hell outside and I could really use a cold
beer. I'll just sit over in the corner and not bother anyone if you'll
just get me one beer."
The bartender says "No, I told you we don't serve your kind in here so
get the hell out now."
The fag says "How bout if I take a drink out of this spitoon will you
give me a drink?"
"NO, get out before I call the cops." says the bartender.
The fag picks up the spitoon and starts drinking out of it. "That's
disgusting put that shit down and get the hell out of here!" the
bartender says.
The fag keeps on drinking.
"STOP!!" yells the bartender. "You're grossing out my customers!"
The fag still keeps on drinking.
"FINE, FINE!! Here's your fucking beer, just put that shit down!"
The fag is still drinking.
Finally the fag puts the spitoon down. The bartender says "Why in the
hell did you keep drinking out of that spitoon? I gave you you're damn
beer."
The fag replies "I couldn't stop, it was all one wad!"
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This cowboy walks into the saloon and orders a whiskey. The bartender
slides it along the bar and the cowboy downs it in one gulp. Immediately
he rushes back out the bar, goes to his horse, lifts its tail, and gives
it a huge smacking kiss there.
He then goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. The bartender
slides it along the bar and once again the cowboy downs it in one gulp
then rushes out the bar, goes to his horse, lifts its tail, and gives it
a huge smacking kiss there.
He goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. By this time there
are a number of other patrons looking at him with a fair bit of interest.
The bartender decides he'd better ask what's going on before the cowboy
gets too drunk to answer.
"So, Cowboy, why is it that every time you order a whiskey you go out and
kiss your horse on the bum?"
The Cowboy (in his best drawl) replies "Chapped lips."
The bartender says with some surprise "Oh, does that cure them?"
The cowboy says "Nope, but it sure stops me lickin' 'em".
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A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls,
"What'll you have?"
The duck says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks,
now get out!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool,
looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve
grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a
stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the
duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks!
If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar!
NOW GET OUT!"
With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.
The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool,
looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"
The bartender, puzzled, said no.
The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"
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A guy walks into a bar. His buddy laughs and says, "Don't worry, I
didn't see it either."
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So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .
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A guy walks into a bar, right? Which is really kind of stupid, cause
you'd think that he would have seen it first.
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An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a
small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.
As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an
Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey,
what's that little green thing down there?"
The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry,
SPLBLBLBLT!, right in the face and runs back to the Irishman. The
Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that
thing, anyway?"
The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."
"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to
drinking beer.
An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that
leprechaun is ugly!" he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives
the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT! This time the Englishman
is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut
his pecker off!" he shouts.
"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have peckers."
"How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.
"They don't." says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBLT."
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A guy has to take a crap really bad so he goes into a bar he thinks the
bathroom is upstairs so he goes upstairs he can't find the bathroom
anywhere but he finds a hole in the floor so he takes a crap in it.
After that he goes downstairs and theirs no one down there so he asks the
bartender were everyone is and he says "Where the hell were you when shit
hit the fan?"
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A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, I can't serve
you here unless you are wearing a tie."
The man says, "Okay, I'll be right back," and goes to his car to find
anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jumper cables,
so he ties them around his neck, goes back in and asks, "How's this?"
The bartender replies, "Well, okay, but don't start anything."
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A man, a duck, and OJ walk into a bar.
A person in the bar says, "Oh, look, a man," and everyone in the bar says
some prayer.
The next person in the bar says "Duck," and everyone in the bar ducks.
Finally, a third man says, "Oh, looky there. A killer in a black suit."
OJ says to the man, "Only on weekends."
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A cowboy walks into a bar, dressed entirely in paper. Wasn't long before
he was arrested for rustling.
A guy walks out of a bar on the moon, complaining "The drinks were OK but
there is no atmosphere."
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A fish walks into a bar and the bartender says: "What do you want?"
The fish croaks "water."
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A white horse walks into a bar, and the barman sees the horse and says:
"Hey, we have a whiskey here named after you!"
The horse then says: "What? 'Eric?'"
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Two homeless guys pull all there money together and they still don't have
enough to buy a drink. Homeless #1 says "Lets go buy a hot dog."
Homeless #2 says "How is that going to get us something to drink?"
Homeless #1 says "Well we buy the hot dog, throw away the bun, I'll take
the dog and put it down my pants, we go to a bar, order some drinks,
drink them fast and when the bartender askes for the money, I'll pull
down my zipper, you drop to your knees and act like your blowing me, and
then the bartender will throw us out for being faggots."
Homeless #2 thinks about it and said OK. The two go to a bar, order 2
double Jack and cokes and gulp them down real fast. When the bartender
says that will be $10.50, homeless #1 unzips his pants and pulls out the
hot dog and homeless #2 drops to his knees and starts sucking on it. The
bartender jumps over the bar and kicks the two of them out.
The two were happy about this and decided to go to other bars. Well,
they hit 9 bars and finally Homeless #2 says "Man we're going to have to
change or do something else because my knees are hurting from jumping
down all the time."
Homeless #1 says "Well you think that bad, I lost the hot dog after the
3rd bar."
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A guy walks into a bar with a ferret on his shoulder, puts it on the bar
and asks for a drink. The bartender sees the ferret and says, "Hey
buddy, what's with the ferret?"
The guy says "I tell ya what pal, this ferret gives the best blowjob on
the planet…'
The bartender looks at him and says "Get the fuck outta here and take
your rat with you!"
The guy says "take the ferret in the back and if your not satisfied, I'm
outta here…"
Ten minutes later the bartender comes out of the back room with the
ferret, drops it on the bar and says "DAMN, that was the best blowjob
I've ever had, I'll give you $500 for it."
The guy goes "Sorry pal, it's not for sale."
The bartender says "I'll go as high as $2000."
"SOLD", the guy yells, and walks out of the bar.
The bartender quickly closes up, grabs the ferret and heads home. When
he opens the door to his house, his wife is standing in the kitchen, she
says "what the hell is that?"
He passes the ferret to his wife and says "Teach it to cook and get the
fuck out!"
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A guy walks into a bar and says "I'm so thirsty, I could lick the sweat
off a cow's balls."
A gay guy in the corner goes "MOOOOOOO!"
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A guy walks into a bar.
The guy behind him ducks.
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Three guys sitting in a bar around a log fire with their dogs and get
talkin' about them.
First one says "My dog is called woodworker.. go woodworker."
The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and paws fashions a
beautiful figurine.
Next one says "My dog is called stoneworker.. go stoneworker"
The dog drags a rock from the fire front and a beautiful carving emerges.
Third one says "My dog is called iron worker" he puts the fire tongs into
the fire and gets them red hot. "Now," he says "I'll just touch him on
the balls and you watch him make a bolt for the door."
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A man and giraffe walk into a bar and get totally faceless drunk. The
giraffe passes out and man gets up to leave.
Barman says "you can't leave that lying there."
Man says "it's not a lion it's a giraffe."
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One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from
the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin'
for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to
the bartender.
"Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second
room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay
for the whore and two beers.
He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second
door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and
toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you
know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those
beers first."
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This homeless guy walks into a bar and says, "Gimme whiskey."
The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first."
"I'm broke, sonny, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on
that stage and fart dixie!"
The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees.
The homeless guy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on
stage and the audience starts applauding. Then he drops his pants and
the audience starts cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all
over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves.
The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart dixie! Not shit all
over my stage!"
The guy replies, "Hey! Even Bob Dylan has to clear his throat before he
sings!"
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This guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits down next to the
bartender and has a few drinks. After a while he has to go the bathroom.
"Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?" the guy asked the
bartender.
"Sure.", says the bartender.
As soon as the bartender hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs
across the room to the pool tables and eats the Q-ball.
"What the hell?", the bartender exclaimed.
When the guy came out of the bathroom, the bartender says.
"Guess what?...your damn monkey just ate my Q-ball."
"Oh god.", says the guy. "Here there's $20 and after the monkey passes
the Q-ball, I'll sterilize it and bring it back to you, deal?"
The bartender agrees. A week later the guy comes back with his monkey
and also returns the Q-ball. He is now on good terms with the bartender.
Anyway, the guy has a few drinks and after awhile he needs to go the
bathroom. He looks at the bartender and says, "Will you watch my monkey
while I go the bathroom?"
"He isn't going to eat the Q-ball is he?", asked the bartender.
"No he's over that.", explained the guy.
Bartender agrees. As soon as the guy hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps
up, runs across the room, and gets a peanut out of the peanut bowl. The
monkey examines the peanut. Then the monkey puts the peanut up it's ass,
pulls the peanut out, and finally eats the peanut.
"What innnnnnn the hellllllll", the bartender exclaimed in a bewildered
manner.
The guy comes out of the bathroom.
"Guess what?....your monkey just stuck a peanut up it's ass, and then ate
it afterwards.", the bartender explained, still overcome by the act.
"Oh yeah...", the guy acknowledges. "It's just that ever since the Q-
ball, he just wants to make sure everything fits."
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This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the
bartender.
The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons "46!!"
Everyone starts to laugh- Again he shouts out "39!!" Now the patrons are
getting even louder in laughing- Lastly, he shouts "14!!" Now, people
are wiping tears from their eyes from all the laughing.
The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender "What is going on?"
The bartender says "This is a small town, with small impressionable
children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes
rather than tell them in full"
The visitor is astounded "Let me try!!" he says- So he shouts "46!!"
Nothing happens "39!!" Still nothing. "14!!" and yet still not a sound
from the patrons.
The visitor says to the bartender "I don't understand. I used exactly
the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response.
The bartender replied, "Well, some folks can tell a joke....... and some
folks can't"
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Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says:
'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day
I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.'
His second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the
plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.'
Paddy says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both
his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The
other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'
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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the
octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing
octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar that this octopus can play any
instrument set in front of it."
None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar.
The octopus took hold of the guitar and started wailing away, better than
Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings
up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Dizzy
Gillespie. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy
brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a
minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.
"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the
octopus, "I'm gonna f_ck it as soon as I figure out how to get its
pajamas off."
