An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his

free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him.

"What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the

husband ordered a couple of whiskeys and threw his down in one shot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with

hammer."

just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He

happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A

copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"

A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for

a driver's license and has to take an eye test.

They show him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

"Can you read this?" the optician asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know that guy!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws.

They legalized gay marriage and legalized marijuana. The fact that gay

marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect

Biblical sense.

My mother and I were walking through the mall when a man stopped us to

ask if we would take part in a survey. One of the questions was; "Do you

think there is too much sex in movies?"

"I don't know," replied my mother. "I'm usually too wrapped up in the

film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to

drink. Bring me another martini!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dear wife,

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs

which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as

that read as follows:

Dear Husband,

You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I

will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Since you

are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times

than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up.

- Your Wife

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no

male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,

She was so happy about it all, she told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal, you'll have to find another.

I'd just as soon yo maw don't know, but Joe is yo half-brother."

So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will.

But after telling pappy this, he said "There's trouble still,

You can't marry Will, my gal, and please don't tell yo mother,

'Cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother."

A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents.

Suddenly he announces, "Me and Janie next door are gonna get married!"

"Oh?" says the mother, amused. "And how old is Janie?"

"Six," replies the boy.

"Well," says the father, "what are you going to do for money?"

"I get 5 dollars a week allowance," says the son, "and Janie gets 2. We

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday

School every week.

One Sunday an out of town gentleman was in the pew right behind her and

noticed what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and

said: "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"

"Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.

Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after

dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked: "Would you

like a smoke?"

"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School

class if I did !"

Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car

and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.

The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right then

and there, drove back to the motel and checked in!

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most

incredible lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.

He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin' lying there in the bed and with

remorse thought: "What the hell have I done?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A woman and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a flight from LA

to NY. The lawyer asked if she would like to play a fun game.

The woman, tired, just wanted to take a nap. She politely declined and

rolled over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persisted and

explained that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explained, “I ask

you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and

vice versa.”

Again, she declined and tried to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you

pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

The woman doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00

bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay,” says the lawyer, “your turn.”

She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down

with four legs?”

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop and searches all his

references. No answer. He searches the net and the library of congress.

No answer. Frustrated, he sends an email to his friends and coworkers to

Without a word, the woman reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00,

and goes back to sleep.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was

having sex..

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother

told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

“Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the

preacher's hand. He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned

fine sermon. Damned good!”

The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use

profanity.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With

some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared

to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small peni$.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed

him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa…

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of

us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese

food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term

his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As

they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process

of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the

group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they

no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your

old goats?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"

My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hygiene is in the eye of the beholder, I have decided. One lunchtime I

watched the woman in the sandwich shop spreading mayonnaise on my bread,

and noticed part of her grubby work shirt was dragging across it. "Excuse

me," I ventured, "your sleeve is in the mayo."

surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was

to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off

now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer

happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,

Ma'am,' he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been

expecting you.'

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the

couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room

floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and

me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we

try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm

sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his

baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their

mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes,' the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The

mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate,

and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the

squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,

uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and

we can get to work right away.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"IT'S A BOY," I shouted. "A BOY! I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY!" And

with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai

brothel.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A psychiatrist, who is nameless, but we will call Dr. Phil, was

conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their

small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he

said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter

shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the 4th mother, Alice, quietly got up, took her little boy

by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what

he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get

dinner."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "R" and

The boy nervously eyed his classmates - many of them already laughing at

him - then replied, "Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny

wasn't cooked enough."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone

prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to

go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I was attacked by a woman in an elevator. I was in the elevator when a

very well endowed young woman got in.

I was casually staring at her endowments when she said, "Would you please

press '1'?"

After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or

brother, a young man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was

adopted.

"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but

it didn't work out and they brought you back."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Several months later I asked Mom if she was keeping the two dollar bills

safe. "Oh, yes!" she replied. "I deposited them in the bank the day after

you left."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I was making love to this girl and she started crying.

I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"

A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then

goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"

"Sir, you stepped away from the counter," said the cashier. "We don't

make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now.

That's the policy of this bank."

"Well, ok," answered the customer. "Just thought you'd like to know that

you gave me an extra twenty. Bye."

- Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag

- Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves

- 24 hours supply of food and drink

- De-icer

- 5 lbs of rock salt

- flashlight with spare batteries

- Road flares and reflective triangles

- Tow rope

- 5 gallon gas can

- First aid kit

- Jumper cables

I felt like a complete idiot getting on the bus this morning.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

backward... Again...and again!

Her heart was pounding now...Her face was flushed...She groaned... softly

at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream, "OK, you smug

bastard, so I can't parallel park. You do it!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my

passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in

barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "what kind of beer 'ya got?"