An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his
free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the
husband ordered a couple of whiskeys and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit
it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you
can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying
myself every night!"
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really fucked up now."
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had
just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He
happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A
copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that
much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some
clown named Martin Luther."
A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for
a driver's license and has to take an eye test.
They show him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
"Can you read this?" the optician asks.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know that guy!"
For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws.
They legalized gay marriage and legalized marijuana. The fact that gay
marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect
Biblical sense.
Leviticus 20:13 says:
If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
My mother and I were walking through the mall when a man stopped us to
ask if we would take part in a survey. One of the questions was; "Do you
think there is too much sex in movies?"
"I don't know," replied my mother. "I'm usually too wrapped up in the
film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing."
I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman
spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began
furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.
Having plenty of experience with getting out food stains, I asked, "Can I
bring you some club soda?"
"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to
drink. Bring me another martini!"
Dear wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs
which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as
a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn
that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel
with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
- Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him
that read as follows:
Dear Husband,
You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I
will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Since you
are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times
than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up.
- Your Wife
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no
male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take
me out when I'm dead."
Suzy Lee fell in love, she planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy about it all, she told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal, you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo maw don't know, but Joe is yo half-brother."
So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this, he said "There's trouble still,
You can't marry Will, my gal, and please don't tell yo mother,
'Cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother."
But mama knew and said, "Honey child, do what makes yo happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"
A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents.
Suddenly he announces, "Me and Janie next door are gonna get married!"
"Oh?" says the mother, amused. "And how old is Janie?"
"Six," replies the boy.
"Well," says the father, "what are you going to do for money?"
"I get 5 dollars a week allowance," says the son, "and Janie gets 2. We
figured that if we put them together, we'll be okay."
"I see," says the father. "But what are you going to do if you have any
"Well," says the boy, "so far we've been lucky."
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday
School every week.
One Sunday an out of town gentleman was in the pew right behind her and
noticed what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and
said: "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.
On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in
that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked
over at her and suggested: "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood. "What ever would I
tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after
dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked: "Would you
like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School
class if I did !"
Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car
and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.
He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to
lose so he ventured forth with: "Ahhh, mmmm, how would you like to stop
at this motel?"
"Oh yes, that would be exciting," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right then
and there, drove back to the motel and checked in!
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most
incredible lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.
He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin' lying there in the bed and with
remorse thought: "What the hell have I done?"
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I hope I haven't compromised your
virtue. Whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said: "The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to
smoke and drink to have a good time.'"
A woman and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a flight from LA
to NY. The lawyer asked if she would like to play a fun game.
The woman, tired, just wanted to take a nap. She politely declined and
rolled over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persisted and
explained that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explained, “I ask
you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and
vice versa.”
Again, she declined and tried to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you
pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the woman’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to
this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth
to the moon?”
The woman doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00
bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay,” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four legs?
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop and searches all his
references. No answer. He searches the net and the library of congress.
No answer. Frustrated, he sends an email to his friends and coworkers to
no avail. After an hour, he wakes the woman, and hands her $500.00.
The woman says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the woman and asks,
“Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the woman reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00,
and goes back to sleep.
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex..
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s
status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until
then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
“Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!”
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned
fine sermon. Damned good!
The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!”
The preacher said, “No $hit?”
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With
some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared
to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small peni$.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?
“Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of
us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term
harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one
thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat
it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief
and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised
his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As
they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process
of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the
group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they
no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your
old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that
customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's
a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler.
The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."
Hygiene is in the eye of the beholder, I have decided. One lunchtime I
watched the woman in the sandwich shop spreading mayonnaise on my bread,
and noticed part of her grubby work shirt was dragging across it. "Excuse
me," I ventured, "your sleeve is in the mayo."
"No problem," she reassured me. "I need to wash it anyway."
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,
Ma'am,' he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes,' the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away.'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.
"IT'S A BOY," I shouted. "A BOY! I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY!" And
with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai
A psychiatrist, who is nameless, but we will call Dr. Phil, was
conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their
small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he
said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter
"He turned to the 2nd mom, Ann and said, "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.
"He turned to the 3rd mom, Joyce. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the 4th mother, Alice, quietly got up, took her little boy
by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what
he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "R" and
all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it.
To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home:
"Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare."
In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the
sentence out loud.
The boy nervously eyed his classmates - many of them already laughing at
him - then replied, "Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny
wasn't cooked enough."
My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone
prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to
go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered
list of seven items.
Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the
grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four
boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven
green peppers.
I was attacked by a woman in an elevator. I was in the elevator when a
very well endowed young woman got in.
I was casually staring at her endowments when she said, "Would you please
press '1'?"
So I did... and I don't remember much afterwards, but I guess I pressed
the wrong one!
Someone asked me, "Now that you're retired, do you still have a job?"
I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."
Somewhat shocked, they said, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by
"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice,
she'll ask me for it."
A doctor said to his patient: "You have a slight heart condition, but I
wouldn't worry about it."
"Really, Doc?" the patient replied. "Well, if you had a slight heart
condition I wouldn't worry about it either."
Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of the
collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see
how much it's all worth."
"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so
how could you sell it."
"Simple... If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to
the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a
potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a
powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When
you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life,
and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded, "but when she does, the
medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in
the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, '1-2-3'
and Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
The best illustration of the value of brief speech was given by Mark
His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher
telling of the heathen, he wept, and was going to contribute fifty
dollars... after ten minutes more of the sermon, he reduced the amount of
his prospective contribution to twenty-five dollars...after a half hour
more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars.
At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed, he stole two
Pauly walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for everyone, on
me!" The bartender says, "Well, Pauly, seems you're in a really good mood
tonight, eh?"
Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go
around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"
The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says
"Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this
new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your
Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out
quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll
PAY me on top of it?
A 60 old woman decided she needed to spice things up with her husband.
She remembered when they were first married, in their 20s, she would go
braless and he couldn't keep his hands off of her. So she goes into the
bedroom and takes off her bra and puts her blouse back on, then goes to
the living room and stands between the TV and her husband.
She asks, "So! What do you think?"
He says, "Oh my goodness. you look 40 years younger!"
She asks, "Do you really think so?"
He says, "Yes. Your tits are sagging so much that it's pulled all the
wrinkles out of your face."
A father buys a lie-detecting robot that slaps people when they lie. He
decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
"Ok! Ok! I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." And the robot slaps him again.
The son says, "Alright, already! We were watching porn."
"What!?" Yells Dad. "At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot promptly slaps Dad.
"Ha!" laughs Mom, "he certainly is your son."
And the robot slaps the mom.
I was reading an article last night about fathers and daughters and
memories came flooding back of the time I took my daughter out for her
first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house. I
got her a Fosters. She didn't like I had it.
Then I got her a Carling Black Label, she didn't like it... so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider. By the time we
got down to the Scotch I could hardly push the stroller back home.
Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a board in some hospital's
ICU, tubes up my nose and down my throat, wires monitoring every function
and all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous
nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
She looked at me steady and I heard her slowly say, 'I want to let you
know right up front, may not feel anything from the waist
I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'
Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation
and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive, and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
Rabbi's additional children were costing the shul, and how much more it
could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his chair
and spoke, "Children are a gift from God and we will take as many gifts
as He gives us."
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back of the shul, little old Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand, and
finally said in her frail voice, "RAIN is also a gift from God, but when
we get too much of it, we wear rubbers!"
A pair of strip club patrons are ogling the cuties who are leaving the
dressing room. "Do you see that redhead over there? I feel like screwing
her again."
"Wow," said his buddy, "Do you mean to tell me you've been doing it with
that great looking broad?"
"No, but I felt like it before, and I feel like it now."
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and declares,
"Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I
broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want
to forget that it ever happened!"
The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says. "Not again..."
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue,
the wife murmurs, "I love you."
"Is that you or the wine talking?" asks the husband.
"It's me," says the wife, "talking to the wine."
I went out with some friends last night and had a couple too many drinks.
Knowing that I was over the limit, I did something that I have never done
I took a bus home.
I arrived home safe and sound, which seemed really surprising as I have
never driven a bus before.
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young
couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the home-owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of
her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this
guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot
of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed
your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't whatever he
tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.. Be
strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
'Be strong, honey. I love you, too!'
I just read that on average, an adult U.S. male will have sex two to
three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two
times a year.
This is very upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was Japanese!
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So
he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free
sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8,
and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex
this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for
another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck
guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were
close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that
game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
Someone asked me what I do since I have retired. Do I have a job?
I replied, "I am my wife's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, they said, "What do you mean by that?"
"Very simple," I said, "My wife told me that when she wants my fucking
advice, she'll ask for it."
A man goes into the home improvement store and says, "I'd like to order
5,000 finishing bricks."
"Certainly," says the salesman, "Are they for a garage?"
"No," says the man; "They're for a Bar-B-Q."
"Why do you need so many bricks for a bar-b-q?" asks the salesman.
"Well," says the man, "we live in a 3rd floor flat."
After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or
brother, a young man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was
"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but
it didn't work out and they brought you back."
When the U.S. Mint reissued two-dollar bills, I thought they might
someday become collectors' items. I went to the bank and picked up a
hundred, serially numbered and still in their original band. On my next
trip to my parents' house, I gave the $200 to my mother and said, "Take
good care of these. They might be worth something someday."
Several months later I asked Mom if she was keeping the two dollar bills
safe. "Oh, yes!" she replied. "I deposited them in the bank the day after
you left."
I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"
She said. "No. I hate myself now."
--Rodney Dangerfield
A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then
goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"
"Sir, you stepped away from the counter," said the cashier. "We don't
make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now.
That's the policy of this bank."
"Well, ok," answered the customer. "Just thought you'd like to know that
you gave me an extra twenty. Bye."
A government warning was recently issued that anyone traveling in icy or
blizzard conditions should take:
- Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
- 24 hours supply of food and drink
- De-icer
- 5 lbs of rock salt
- flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares and reflective triangles
- Tow rope
- 5 gallon gas can
- First aid kit
- Jumper cables
I felt like a complete idiot getting on the bus this morning.
Back and forth...back and forth. In and and out. A little to the
right...a little to the left. She could feel the sweat on her forehead,
between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end. He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on
his face as his wife moved... Forwards then backwards...forward then
backward... Again...and again!
Her heart was pounding now...Her face was flushed...She groaned... softly
at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream, "OK, you smug
bastard, so I can't parallel park. You do it!"
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two cases of "Victoria
Bitter" beer cheap at my local grocery.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a
service station where a drop-dead gorgeous Sheila in a short skirt was
filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my
passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in
barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "what kind of beer 'ya got?"