In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main

cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who

might have some theories on the matter.

The interview went as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible

information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow

disease?"

Farmer: "Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about

getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine, if I was playing

with your tits twice a day... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't

One afternoon Anna went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to

send Larry a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me

your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send

me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

Larry texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing

situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little

younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off

from his penis after his girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket

and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

Which is worse...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

This is a frightening statistic !

25 percent of the women in this country are on medication for mental

illness.

That's scary. It means 75 percent are running around untreated.

prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st

day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

On the 2nd day she had tthe movers come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining

room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted

on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning

mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and

carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they

had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the

expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the

house.

Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her

the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she

missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce

settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a

price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if

she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour

his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

This Strange English Language.

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;

but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;

and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,

yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

or anything, just tell me what state it's in."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint

and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at

his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol

is the blood of the devil!"

"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is

evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will

know"

"Oh no! It's not that drunk Nun again is it?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards...

You need a Heart to love him

A Diamond to marry him

A Club to smash his fucking head in

And a Spade to bury him.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time

they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank

on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A beautiful woman loved gardening, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes

to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman

neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked him, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way,

how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

All but two of the ballerinas were in costume early for the matinee

performance. At 1:55 the distressed director asked this pair of women why

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided

that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice

together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they

put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not

acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High

Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives -

forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

help.

He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in

the dark (assuming you can't find it any other way), Magnum size (no

laughing), and more.

At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which condom he

recommended. He replied, "The condoms made of lambs intestine has a more

natural feel."

laughing at you yesterday."

To which the man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you, because I

wasn't even at home yesterday!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation

and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that

whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation

decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the

pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said

in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too

much of it, we wear rubbers." The entire congregation said, "Amen."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A tobacco company sent Dave several packages of cigarettes with the

explanation: "We are sending you some of our finest cigarettes. We hope

you enjoy them and will want more."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling

the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said,

"And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."

As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said,

haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The lawyer says: "I have some good news and bad news."

The CEO replies: "I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news

first."

The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures that are now

worth a minimum of $2 million."

The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, very good news indeed!

You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"

The lawyer answers: "The pictures are of you in bed with your secretary."

a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses

whatsoever!"

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and

utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was

restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and

sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write with your other hand."

"Honey, I can't do both!"

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're

barefoot.

Your Honey, dressed provocatively, catches your eye and your pacemaker

opens the garage door.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to

go along.

An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was

amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do

you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.

I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more

to it. How old was your father when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my father's dead?"

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it.

How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's

still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy

want to get married?"

The old timer shot back, "Who said he wanted to?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive

me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family.

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for

your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he

walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend said, "He

must be crazy! Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He

won't even be able to get his pants down and we'll be 200 bucks richer."

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

20 minutes goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his

girlfriend's call. Finally, after a half hour the boy- friend calls and

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be

when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then make a

billion dollars, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest

whore, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in

Paris, a jet to travel around Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the

while banging her like a screen door in a hurricane."

"I wanna be Kevin's whore."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in

the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He

cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes

inside the wall.

"Honey!" he called excitedly. "You've got to come here and see what I

On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the magnificent

Inside Passage. Excitedly, I asked the ship's officer what it was called.

"It's some dumb glacier," he replied.

Disappointed by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it out for myself.

I calculated our location and found the name of the ice mass. It was

called, just as he had said, "Sumdum Glacier."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

For 40 years my grandfather put in long hours at his job, so I was more

than a little curious about the way he filled his days since his

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.

It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and

everyone was happy.

to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very

wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he

approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from

the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks

away to the other side."

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow

from Sicily?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Sicily."