In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main
cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who
might have some theories on the matter.
The interview went as follows:
The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible
sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Did you know that a bull
mounts a cow only once a year?"
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of
information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow
Farmer: "Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about
getting to the point?"
Farmer: "I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine, if I was playing
with your tits twice a day... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't
YOU get mad?"
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their
cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a
no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon Anna went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to
send Larry a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me
your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send
me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
Larry texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all
aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad
asked Mom.
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing
situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little
younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.
Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Probably the same thing."
Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off
from his penis after his girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket
and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.
Which is worse...
Having your girlfriend find out you're married...
Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis...
Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring?
This is a frightening statistic !
25 percent of the women in this country are on medication for mental
That's scary. It means 75 percent are running around untreated.
After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-
million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he
He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st
day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
On the 2nd day she had tthe movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted
on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-
eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the
curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the
first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning
mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and
carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they
had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the
expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the
The Maid quit.
Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return
their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank
to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her
the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she
missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce
settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if
she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour
his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
This Strange English Language.
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his
address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where
Vermont was.
As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid
or anything, just tell me what state it's in."
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint
and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at
his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol
is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know, Sister? Have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you
be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is
evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers
his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a
"Oh no! It's not that drunk Nun again is it?"
A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards...
You need a Heart to love him
A Diamond to marry him
A Club to smash his fucking head in
And a Spade to bury him.
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time
they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank
on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he
accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five
and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the bills?"
To his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
A beautiful woman loved gardening, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes
to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman
neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked him, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato
garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from
blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing
to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two
weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way,
how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
All but two of the ballerinas were in costume early for the matinee
performance. At 1:55 the distressed director asked this pair of women why
they were not yet in costume. The first one said, "it may seem like a
silly superstition but I never put mine on until 1:58." 'What about you,
the same thing?" he asked the other dancer.
She replied, "Oh yes, I have a two to two tutu, too!
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided
that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice
together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they
put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.
The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not
acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High
Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives -
thumbs down again.
Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in
Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and
Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons -
forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.
Everybody loved it.
Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position of
having to buy condoms, something I hadn't had to do for nearly twenty
The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy clerk for some
He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in
the dark (assuming you can't find it any other way), Magnum size (no
laughing), and more.
At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which condom he
recommended. He replied, "The condoms made of lambs intestine has a more
natural feel."
I said, "Not to us city boys."
A woman phoned her neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time
you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and
laughing at you yesterday."
To which the man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you, because I
wasn't even at home yesterday!"
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation
and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how
much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair
and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts
as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said
in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too
much of it, we wear rubbers." The entire congregation said, "Amen."
A tobacco company sent Dave several packages of cigarettes with the
explanation: "We are sending you some of our finest cigarettes. We hope
you enjoy them and will want more."
After several months the tobacco company received this reply from Dave:
"I got your cigarettes and soaked them in a quart of water which I
sprayed on my bug-infested rosebushes. Every bug died!
These cigarettes make best poison ever! Please send me some more next
month in case any bugs survived."
At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling
the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said,
"And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."
As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said,
haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."
Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean
is, my wife is inconceivable."
As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the
intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is,
my wife, she is impregnable!"
The lawyer says: "I have some good news and bad news."
The CEO replies: "I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news
The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures that are now
worth a minimum of $2 million."
The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, very good news indeed!
You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"
The lawyer answers: "The pictures are of you in bed with your secretary."
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I
might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and
sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write with your other hand."
Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer,
"Honey, I can't do both!"
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
Your Honey, dressed provocatively, catches your eye and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to
go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"Getting a little action" means, "I don't need to take any fiber today."
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was
amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do
you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more
to it. How old was your father when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my father's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father is still
alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me
this morning. That's why he's still alive, he's a golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it.
How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's
still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he
went golfing with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got
The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy
want to get married?"
The old timer shot back, "Who said he wanted to?"
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive
me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family.
Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the
one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for
your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he
walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
A guy walked into a crowed bar, waving his 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol
with an 8 shot clip, and yelled, "I want to know who's been screwing my
A voice from the back of the room called out, "You're gonna need more
After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or
brother, a young man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was
"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but
it didn't work out and they brought you back."
Back and forth...back and forth. In and and out. A little to the
right...a little to the left. She could feel the sweat on her forehead,
between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end. He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on
his face as his wife moved... Forwards then backwards...forward then
backward... Again...and again!
Her heart was pounding now...Her face was flushed...She groaned... softly
at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream, "OK, you smug
bastard, so I can't parallel park. You do it!"
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two cases of "Victoria
Bitter" beer cheap at my local grocery.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a
service station where a drop-dead gorgeous Sheila in a short skirt was
filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my
passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in
barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "what kind of beer 'ya got?"
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a prostitute with
Irritable Bowel Syndrome?
Well, one you have to shuck between fits.
If a bra is called an "over the shoulder boulder holder", do they call
men's underwear an "under the butt nut hut"?
This morning. the math teacher singled me out to ask me, "If you have
$200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sally and $60 to Susan, what would
you have?"
Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.
A literature buff, my friend Larry installed an answering machine on his
telephone. Instead of the usual instructions about leaving a message,
Larry recorded a parody of Hamlet's famous soliloquy: "To speak, or not
to speak, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to leave
a message after the beep, or to take arms against a sea of answering
machines, and by opposing, end them. To dial, to speak, no more. Thus
answering machines do make cowards of us all."
Every December it was the same excruciating tradition. Our family would
get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas tree farm and tromp across
acres of snow in search of the perfect tree. Hours later our feet would
be freezing, but Mom would press on, convinced the tree of her dreams was
"just up ahead."
One year I snapped. "Mom, face it. The perfect tree doesn't exist. It's
like looking for a man. Just be satisfied if you can find one that isn't
dead, doesn't have too many bald spots and is straight."
A man, while playing on the front nine (9) of a complicated golf course,
became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw
a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his
confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied; "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you
must be on the 6thole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine (9) the same
thing happened so he approached her again with the same request.
She said; "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be
on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same
lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew
the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the
course often.
He approached her and said; "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for
your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in
sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied; "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't" he promised.
"Well, if you must know," she answered; "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said; "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world, we can see
why American have not adopted it:
A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
Put your best .3 of a meter forward.
Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
A man driving in Southern Indiana, heading for Kentucky, saw a sign that
He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better
take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank cheap.
As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "So, how much
IS gas in Kentucky?"
The man replied, "A buck and a quarter."
Metric Conversion Chart
10**12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
10 cards = 1 decacards
10 rations = 1 decoration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
8 nickles = 2 paradigms
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologs = 5 dialogues
2 monograms = 1 diagram
2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
There were no injuries.
"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling in
her compartment. "I'm a naval surgeon," he replied.
"Goodness!" said the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days."
Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro
if they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar...
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in and hands him a
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was
almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just
came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was
laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she
composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said... "I
don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I
promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what is to be the
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with
me because she can't afford batteries!
Dear Dr Phil,
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my
bedroom window. As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just
standing there, arms folded...watching me.
Is she a pervert?
As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her,
"After this, you can't have sex for at least three days."
"Did you hear that?" she asked her husband. "No sex for three days."
"I heard," he said. "But she was speaking to you."
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards
legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products
that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the
cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely
scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area.
This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
We therefore propose that the following list of warnings appears on every
product offered for sale in the United States.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million
Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible
for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This
Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the
grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear
from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the
Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not
Be Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon,
the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.999999999% Empty Space.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer
Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will
Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its
Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the
Two hunters were relaxing in their lodge, making small talk.
One of them asked, "So, what do you hunt?"
"Unicorns," came the surprising answer.
Startled, the first hunter gasped, "Really? How do the hell do you do
"Well, I find a virgin and hire her to help me. They're the only thing
that attracts unicorns. I have her wait in the woods until a unicorn
comes up to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."
The first hunter sighed, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of
'em, but I've never seen one."
The second hunter said, "Yeah, and there ain't many unicorns either."
Eddie, wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot
girl in his office...but she was dating someone and wouldn't give him the
time of day.
Finally Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I know
you're not interested in a relationship with me, but I'll give you $100
if you just let me have sex with you."
The girl responded with an immediate and offended, "NO!"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up. I promise!"
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend said, "He
must be crazy! Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He
won't even be able to get his pants down and we'll be 200 bucks richer."
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
20 minutes goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his
girlfriend's call. Finally, after a half hour the boy- friend calls and
asks, "Well...what happened???"
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be
when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then make a
billion dollars, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest
whore, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in
Paris, a jet to travel around Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the
while banging her like a screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible
response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and
simply tries to continue with the lesson...
"And how about you, Sarah? What do you want to be?"
"I wanna be Kevin's whore."
My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in
the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He
cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes
inside the wall.
"Honey!" he called excitedly. "You've got to come here and see what I
I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole
that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet.
On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the magnificent
Inside Passage. Excitedly, I asked the ship's officer what it was called.
"It's some dumb glacier," he replied.
Disappointed by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it out for myself.
I calculated our location and found the name of the ice mass. It was
called, just as he had said, "Sumdum Glacier."
For 40 years my grandfather put in long hours at his job, so I was more
than a little curious about the way he filled his days since his
retirement. "How has life changed?" I asked.
A man of few words, he replied, "Well, I get up in the morning with
nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half-done."
The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.
It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and
everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never
have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried
to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the
bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able
to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very
wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he
approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from
the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks
away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they
had brought the cow over from Sicily.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow
from Sicily?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Sicily."