Eddie, wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot
girl in his office...but she was dating someone and wouldn't give him the
time of day.
Finally Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I know
you're not interested in a relationship with me, but I'll give you $100
if you just let me have sex with you."
The girl responded with an immediate and offended, "NO!"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up. I promise!"
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
boyfriend.
So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend said, "He
must be crazy! Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He
won't even be able to get his pants down and we'll be 200 bucks richer."
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
20 minutes goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his
girlfriend's call. Finally, after a half hour the boyfriend calls and
asks, "Well...what happened???"
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all
quarters!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man told a woman, "I would tell you a joke about my cock, but it is too
long."
The woman tells him, "I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you
will never get it."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect
repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee
it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie
you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there
is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from
you."
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The
farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.
Back to the house went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the corn
field. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a
single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and
drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on
you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying
out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a Mother!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
** THE NAME GAME **
If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry
Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman
Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married
Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg
Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd
be Boog Alou.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale,
she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of
Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she
would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE MENTAL HEALTH HOT LINE...
If you're obsessive/compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you're co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you're a multiple personality, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you're paranoid and delusional, we already know what you want and who
you are. Just stay on the line while we trace your call.
If you're schizophrenic, please hold, and a little voice will tell you
what to press.
If you're depressed, it probably doesn't matter what you press, it won't
do you any good anyway.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to
get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women
and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay,
Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Real Signs In Shop Windows
Signs In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In the window of an Oregon general store:
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
graves."
On a Tennessee highway:
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat pocket: "If
you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a
crew member."
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and
workmanship."
On a delicatessen wall:
"Our best is none too good."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Here is a segment from a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a
female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to
sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery,
and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and he was beginning his
pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over
the clubhouse loudspeaker:
"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee please back up to the men's
tee!!"
Our man was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the
interruption. Again the announcement:
"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."
Our golfer simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more
the man yelled:
"Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"
Finally our focused golfer stopped. He turned, looked through the
clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back,
"Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut the hell up and let me
play my second stroke?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the
defendant not guilty.
Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found
this man innocent?"
The foreman replied, "Insanity."
The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Suzy Lee fell in love, she planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy about it all, she told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal, you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo maw don't know, but Joe is yo half-brother."
So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this, he said "There's trouble still.
You can't marry Will, my gal, and please don't tell yo mother,
cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother."
But mama knew and said, "Honey child, do what makes yo happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Last June, my friend told me about her plans for our upcoming prom. "I'm
renting a stretch limo and spending $1,000 on a new dress, and I've
reserved a table at the most expensive restaurant in town," she said.
Our teacher overheard her and shook her head. "I didn't spend that much
on my wedding."
My friend answered, "I can have three or four weddings. But a prom you do
only once."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Joe found some spam in his mailbox this morning that said in big letters,
"Satisfy the girl with a bigger dick!"
"Hell," Joe said, "I wouldn't be caught dead with a girl with a dick
that's bigger than mine."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor
asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have
sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with
the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then
leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for
$50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out
of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the
coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the man inside
alive! They help him out and call an ambulance and in a medical miracle
he lives another ten years before eventually keeling over.
Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers
carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the church, the
wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts, "Watch the wall!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
666 is the Number of the BEAST
670 - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
665.9999954 - Number of the Pentium Beast
0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
/666 - Beast Common Denominator
666 x sq. rt (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 - Binary of the Beast 6
1-666 - Area code of the Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only
$6.66/minute.
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$606.66 - Wal-Mart price of the Beast
$566.66 - Costco/Price Club price of the Beast
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 - Way of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
- Number of the Blonde Beast, uh...what was the number again?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He
rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,
what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'
'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
at the front?
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters?
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put
our useless junk in the garage?
EVER WONDER...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for
your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up
like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway...
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs !
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't
he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but
call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is
not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to
give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in
which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or
unexpected, frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right--only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency,
Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder
for me to find one now.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a
prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the
toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going to take a piss."
The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Johnny replied, "Sorry, but I need to go to the toilet. I'll be back in a
minute."
The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet'
during a meal, is unpleasant."
So Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go
shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to be able to introduce
you to after dinner."
The teacher passed out.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It was very windy, and this particular little girl was only six years old
and small for her age. When her mother asked her to clean off the front
sidewalk, the wind nearly blew her away. She picked up the broom
countless times, but each time, the wind got the best of her and knocked
her over.
Her mother came out a few minutes later to see how she was doing and
found her stuffing rocks in her pocket. "I thought you were cleaning off
the sidewalk," her mother said. "What in the world are you doing?"
The little girl replied: "Now? I weigh me down to sweep."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year-old rancher in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was
marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom
if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked
Tom the age of his new bride to be.. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-
one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual
appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old
man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker
tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help
him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom
thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that
afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's
the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And
how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an
affair with the Maid.
So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell
the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:
"Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches", and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the Maid's bed. She switched the lights off.
When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with
her....
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't
expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the
light..."
"No madam", said the Gardener...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,has cheated him
out of $10,000,000.00.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first
place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never
have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million,
he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask
him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! OK!, The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,"He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow
”Ooh”, said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the
celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn
of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they
were in good condition?”
“Sticks”, said Paddy
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Hello?”
“Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle
Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone
down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout
to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.” A few minutes later the little girl comes
back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked. Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped
out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped
over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at
all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess
he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit
the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on
customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached
the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two
dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.
To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which
was for the exact cost of the pizza.
"Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.
"Yep," he replied proudly. "not bad for just a walk from the living room
and back!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When we decided to sell our house, we nailed "FOR SALE BY OWNER" signs on
two trees in our front yard. Before long, the doorbell rang. "How much do
you want for the trees?" a young man asked.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Recently we called a business phone number and heard the following: If
you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press one now. If you are
calling from a rotary phone, hang up and call back from a touch-tone
phone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The cruise ship docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide.
Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a
passageway to the dock far below. The staff stood motionless when a
passenger in her 70s appeared at the top of the plank.
There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and
finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone's relief. As she stepped
down, she turned, looked back to the top of the gangplank and shouted,
"It's okay, Mother, you can come down now."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A group of expectant fathers sat nervously in the hall. A nurse beckoned
to one of them and said, "Congratulations, you have a son!"
Another man dropped his magazine, jumped up and cried, "Hey, what's the
idea? I got here two hours before he did!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I was banging this sweet MILF over her kitchen table when we heard the
front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like
that every day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some
software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it
into operation.
At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to
help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down with one woman
and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she
sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him."
Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.
"Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get
nervous around really smart people."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an
emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears.
Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying
so much. I'm usually not such a big boob."
The bishop rose to close the session and remarked sympathetically,
"That's okay. We like big boobs."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
After the pastor finished his sermon, he stayed at the doors and shook
the people's hands as they went by, making sure to give a smile and a
kind word to each one.
By the time he finished, most of the people milling around in the church
lobby had left except for a few. The pastor noticed in particular one
elderly woman who was sitting on one of the hallway plush benches, nearly
in tears, rocking back and forth. Concerned, the pastor walked over to
her and heard her emit the words, "How long, Lord? How long?"
Touched, he laid a hand on the white head. "Ma'am, God has heard you. I
am sure that he will come through for you," he said soothingly. She
looked up at him with a small smile and thanked him.
Feeling that he had done a very good deed, he turned and was about to
walk out the doors when one of the bathroom doors opened and someone came
out.
The pastor definitely had a feeling of chagrin when the old woman yelled,
"Praise the Lord!" and ran inside.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man walks into a bar with a little salamander-looking creature in his
hand. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"His name is Tiny," replies the man.
"Why do you call him that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails
down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga.
She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. Her friend asked
her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them
instead."
