The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with
me because she can't afford batteries!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in
Alabama, I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends
in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more
gentle and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the sexy nurse began my
procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an
erection," the nurse told me.
"I haven't got an erection," I replied.
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A dog lover, whose bitch was 'in heat' agreed to look after her
neighbour's male dog while they were away on holiday.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart, but as
she was drifting off to sleep one night, she heard awful howling sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious
stress and unable to disengage, as can sometimes happen when they mate.
She was unable to separate them and was worried as what to do next.
Although it was late at night, she called the Vet, who answered in a very
grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the Vet advised, "Hang up the phone
and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the
sound of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to
withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked doubtfully.
"Why not? It just did for me." He replied.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS. They remind me of some co-workers. They all hang
together, half of the fuckers don't work, and the ones that do aren't
that bright.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Arriving home from work as usual at 5:30 p.m., I discovered that it had
not been one of my wife's better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be
right.
By 7 p.m. things had not changed, so before a fight started in earnest I
suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all
over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey,
I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven
o'clock!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the
afternoon.
Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded:
"Where the hell are you?"
Husband: "Darling, you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the
diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money
that time and said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."
Husband, "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery
salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like.
"You'll have a beautiful view of the swan pond," he assured them.
Dad wasn't sold: "Unless you're including a periscope with my casket, I
don't know how I'm going to enjoy it."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A guy has been drinking in a bar all day and asks the bartender where the
toilet is. So the guy goes to the toilet and he's there pissing away when
he looks to his left and sees a big guy come in.
The guy pulls out his dick and it's huge. The guy goes over to a urinal,
swings his dick like a bat and smashes the urinal in two. He then goes
over to the sink, swings it and smashes the sink in two. He then goes
over to the toilet doors and smashes it in half.
He says to the first man, "I'm gonna stick this up your ass!"
The guy goes, "Phew! For a minute I thought you were going to hit me with
it."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An art professor asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the
professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he noticed that
a rather nicely built, young female student had sketched the man with an
erection.
The professor said, "Oh, my, no, I wanted it the other way."
She replied, "What other way is there?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Little Johnny goes to school and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody have an example of a multi-
syllable word?"
Johnny raises his hand and says, "Mas-tur-bate."
The teacher smiles and says, "Wow Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one morning when
he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital
and peppered with questions.
"Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic.
"No," John whispered. "I quit."
"That"s good. When did you quit?"
"Around 9:30 this morning."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If sex with three people is a threesome, AND sex with two people is a
twosome...I now understand why they call you handsome.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's
pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He
thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the
dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its
fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house,
hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear
that Fluffy died?" ]
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but
the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and
someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.
There must be some real sick people out there!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Renault and Ford are collaborating on a new small car for women which
should be far less susceptible to theft. They are mixing the Renault Clio
and the Ford Taurus, calling it the Clitaurus. The average male thief
won't be able to find it, let alone operate the damn thing!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Lesson in punctuation
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no
feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you
let me be yours?
Jane
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no
feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy.
Will you let me be?
Yours,
Jane
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family,
she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told
her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until
then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar
stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at
the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year,
hire a car, and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful Country...the history, the
beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and
Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English;
they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Maury and Pauly were in the barn, and Pauly was relating his quandry:
"I don't know what decision I should make. I'm currently being pursued by
a 23-year-old aspiring model who hasn't got a dime to her name and also
by a 69-year-old widow with bazillions of dollars."
"Hmmm," said Maury. "In your place, I wouldn't hesitate a second. With
your age and looks, it's obvious that you're never again in your lifetime
going to get the attention of a 23-year-old, even if she is broke and
only an aspiring model. What counts is youth and beauty. In your place,
I'd send the old bat off and then set up housekeeping with that young
beauty."
"You're right!" says Pauly. "It's just amazing how friends can see the
situation so clearly and offer such good advice."
"No problem," says Maury, "but, uhhh, could you give me that widow's name
and number?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The administration of this particular elementary school decided to start
a more inclusive policy on which words were "bad" words. Among those
initiated to the category was "suck" (when not referring to the principle
of suction).
One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the
other students had said a bad word.
"What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher.
"I can't say it."
"It's ok to tell me, you won't get in trouble for it."
"No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it."
"Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me
what it is without saying it?"
"Well... it rhymes with 'fuck'"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day
was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."
"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comeshome!" says
the mom.
A while later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your
son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."
Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I
had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.
"Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think
like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right?
Wow. That's my boy! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you
out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"
So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike
in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.
The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he
said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter
Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little
boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what
he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get
dinner."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting it up."
The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to
bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that
will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in
one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why
don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"
The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor
says, "What did you decide?"
He says, "We're going to re-do the kitchen."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time
they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank
on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he
accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of twenty
and fifty dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the bills?"
To his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Q. How many Freudian analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, one to screw in the light bulb and one to hold my penis, I mean
the ladder.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man and his wife were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. The
wife says to her husband, "We've been married so long, sweetheart, I hope
you feel you can ask me anything you want. After all this time I want us
to be completely open in our relationship."
The husband replies, "Okay, there is one thing that has been bothering me
for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before...but I have
noticed that all six of our children look similar to one another except
one. I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a
different father than the rest?"
The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she
replies, "yes. Yes he did have a different father."
Her husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay, I must know. Please tell me. Who
was that child's father?"
Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed,
and after a long silence she slowly said, "YOU."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I'd just come out of a Supermarket with a roasted chicken, French fries,
large chips, and a 12 pack of beer.
A poor homeless man sat on the curb and said to me as I passed by, "I
haven't eaten for two days!"
I told him, "That's great. I wish I had your will power."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the
Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with
the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them
back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of
matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with
all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete dick."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be
married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The
conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex
lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in
some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink,
the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day
I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the
other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather
bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we
made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my
fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,
leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that
we not only screwed all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning.
I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight
leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch
stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home
from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey,
Batman, what's for dinner?'"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An older, very dignified gentleman went to his travel agent and tried to
book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent
said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight
at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get
them onto a three-day cruise. The gentleman was disappointed that it was
such a short cruise, but booked it, and then went to the drugstore to buy
Dramamines and three condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could
upgrade him to a five-day cruise.
The gentleman said, "Great, I'll take it!" And he returned to the same
pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was
delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.
The gentleman was elated and, went back to the drugstore. He asked for
three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not
trying to pry, but if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
After a visit to the whore house, a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctor.
"That's serious," says the doctor. "You know how wrestlers get
cauliflower ears?"
"Yes," says the man nervously.
"Well," says the doctor: "You've got brothel sprouts."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What Gets Longer When Pulled, fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole, AND works best when it is jerked?
A Seatbelt.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An Irish Man is sitting in the pub with his wife when he says, "I love
you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me, talking to the beer."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A couple, both age 68, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor
asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have
sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with
the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then
leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for
$50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jew who was now a very
militant atheist. But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite
its denominational roots, it's a great school, and completely secular.
After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad, do
you know what Trinity means? It means the Father, the Son, and the Holy
Ghost."
The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the
shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now and I
want you never to forget it. There is only one God... and we don't
believe in him!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Anyone who's ever been to a "teaching hospital" knows to expect a group
of students to descend upon them at any time. At one such hospital, in
the recovery room, a bunch of students gathered around a beautiful blonde
who, even in a gown, was obviously very well endowed.
Recovery is an excellent place for student doctors to become familiar
with variations in heartbeats while the body comes back to normal from
the operation and the anesthesia.
The first student approached the patient calmly and proceeded to listen
intently to her heartbeat through the stethescope.
The group was silent as he did so. The woman hesitated, then looked
sympathetically into the eyes of the doctor-to-be. Reaching up, she
gently placed the earpieces into his ears.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Little Billy wakes up in the middle of the night and hears strange sounds
coming from his parents' bedroom. He sneaks up and nudges open the door,
and sure enough, Mom's got her legs wide open and Dad is plowing her like
there's no tomorrow. Billy sees this, gasps and runs away.
Dad just chuckles, but Mom slaps him and says "Dear, you'd better go and
talk to Billy, I'm afraid we've upset him!"
Dad walks down the hall to Billy's room, and nobody's there. So he walks
further down the hall and hears strange noises from the guest room. So he
sneaks up and nudges the door open to find little Billy pumping away,
fucking his grandmother hard in the ass.
Dad shouts "Billy! What the hell is wrong with you!"
Billy looks over his shoulder and replies "Yeah, it's not so funny when
it's YOUR mom, is it?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Some scholars of ancient Hebrew are now suggesting that certain portions
of the Bible could have been written centuries earlier than others. The
scholars say they know this because the newer portions all begin,
'Previously, on 'The Bible.'" -Conan O'Brien
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it and there was a young man standing there who said: "Hello.
I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
I said, "Come in and sit down! Now what do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Fucked if I know. I've never got this far before!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There
was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to
get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she
neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got
many splinters in her vagina. In considerable pain, she hurried to the
nearest doctor.
He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and
he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours
before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"
The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of
Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
recreational area."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Back in my working days I was a union linotype operator in a daily
newspaper on Cape Cod. Our employment required 6 years of apprenticeship
prior to receiving a journeyman's credentials. We were required to be
proficient in English, particularly spelling and meaning of words, among
others.
One day a fellow worker while setting a story came across the word,
"butte" and asked his co-worker the difference between a butte, mountain
or mesa, etc. A discussion arose amongst several of us and the comparison
was made as well of canyons, escarpmets, bluffs. etc.
Someone suggested we ask Jeannie, one of our proofreaders to settle the
question. Well, Jeannie was what one might say a worldly lady, and when
approached by our representative with: "Hey, Jeannie, what's a butte?"
She promptly replied: "Offhand, I'd say, one about this long;" signifying
a distance of about 8 inches with her hands.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
So today at work some guy calls and asks, "Are you Mexican or Italian?"
I replied, "Sir, I'm white."
Then he says, "Not you, the restaurant."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Members of Congress should be compelled to wear uniforms just like NASCAR
drivers, so we can identify their corporate sponsors.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are
met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that
I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to
be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna." and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini." St. Peter looks
perplexed.
"Who?" he says."
Alberta Pipalini." replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just
doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her
and says. "No sister, the paper says it was the ' Alberta Pipeline' that
was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a
dead woman.
"How do you plead?" asked the judge. "Guilty or not guilty?"
"Not guilty," replied the man.
"On what grounds?" queried the judge.
"I didn't know she was dead...I thought she was British."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There was a church down in Texas that had a young, very big-busted
organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while
she played the organ. Her trim waist made the jiggle even that more
apparent.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably - especially
the men. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something
had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up
some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would
shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons
though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and
you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said,
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a Thermon
tewday."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a small corporation, called his vice-
president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks,
so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr.
Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three
kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the
first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see,
I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara
replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he tapped the
teacher on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my
daddy says if I don't get better grades.... somebody is going to get a
spanking."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man was walking in the country when he saw a pig with a wooden leg
sitting outside a barn. As he was wondering what happened to the pig, the
pig's owner came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig came to have
a wooden leg.
The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught
fire last April and he dragged my kids to safety!"
"Is that how he lost his leg?" the man asked.
"No," replied the farmer. "But a month ago, I almost drowned and that pig
swam through icy water to pull me to shore!"
"So that's how he lost his leg," the man asked.
"Oh, no. Just a week ago, my wife's car slid off the road onto the train
tracks. That pig broke through the window and helped her out just as a
freight train came through!" the farmer said.
"So THAT'S how he lost his leg!" the man said.
"No, sir," replied the farmer.
"Then HOW did he lose it?" the man begged.
"Well, sir," the farmer replied, "when you got a pig that terrific, you
don't want to eat it all at once!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a
twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.
"It's the wife," said Maurie. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and
since she's been playing she's cut my sex down to once a week."
"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner, "she's cut some
of us out altogether."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat
and ugly. I could really use a compliment right now."
So I said, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Husband says, "My olympic condoms have arrived tonight so I am going to
wear a gold one."
Wife says, "Why don't you wear a silver one and come second for a fucking
change."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An applicant for a job with the federal government was filling out the
application form.
He came to this question: "Do you favor the overthrow of the United
States government by force, subversion, or violence?"
Thinking it was a multiple-choice question, he checked "Violence."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no western man
has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter,
cook, and troubleshooter in one. One day early in the morning, they
arrive at a lake and find a handsome, black young man engaged in "playful
activities" with ten beautiful, black young women, all in the nude. The
young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Brit had ever seen, or
even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.
"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake,
Sir," came the reply. "This is his morning ritual."
"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to
be that size?"
The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very
agitated by the conversation.
"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.
"He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn't the white man's
shrink in cold water?'"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bored of the same old two-party system? Check out these actual political
parties that exist or existed.
THE RHINOCEROS PARTY - This Canadian Party existed with a very unusual
platform. It included: repealing the law of gravity, paving the province
of Manitoba to create the world's largest parking lot, providing higher
education by building taller schools, instituting English, French and
illiteracy as Canada's three official languages, making bubble gum the
national currency, putting the national debt on Visa, counting the
Thousand Islands to make sure none were missing, and banning lousy
Canadian winters.
BEER LOVERS PARTY - This post-Soviet assembly was founded in 1993 in the
state of Belarus. Among its major goals was the push for the cleanness
and quality of the national brew. Its logo was a cartoon of a drunken
hedgehog. The party was liquidated in 1998.
THE ABSOLUTELY ABSURD PARTY is another Canadian joke party which
advocates the following: Lowering the voting age to 14 (Because, after
all, when was the last time a 14-year-old started a war?), changing the
rules in federal elections so that the candidate in last place becomes
the elected official, raffling off Senate seats as a fundraising
mechanism, and replacing the Department of Defense with a crack elite
squad of Rock/Paper/Scissors commandos.
THE UNION OF CONSCIENTIOUSLY WORK-SHY ELEMENTS was an unusually
successful frivolous political party founded by comedian Jacob Haugaard
in Denmark in 1979. Haugaard eventually won a seat in the Danish
Parliament by making the following campaign promises: Tail winds on all
bicycle paths, better weather, better Christmas presents, more pieces of
Renaissance furniture in Ikea, Nutella in Army field rations, more bread
for ducks in the park, and free beer and sausages, funded by his state
party funding, served to his voters in the public park in Aarhus after
each election. (The last three were actually fulfilled during his term in
office.)
THE HUNGARIAN DOUBLE-TAILED DOG PARTY is a joke political party that was
founded in 2004. All of the candidates are named Istvan Nagy, two very
common first and last names in Hungary. While not an officially
registered party, it nevertheless made the following promises in the 2006
elections: Eternal life, world peace, one-day work weeks, two sunsets a
day, smaller gravitation, free beer and low taxes.
THE McGILLICUDDY SERIOUS PARTY is a joke party in New Zealand that
promotes the following: Replacing the Royal New Zealand Armoured Corps
with mounted knights, replacing money with chocolate fish as legal
tender, using beer as a national defense strategy by leaving many bottles
on all beaches so any invading army would abandon its attack and get
drunk instead, restricting the vote to only those under 18 (with actual
campaign ads run during children's programming), votes for trees (as New
Zealanders have a reputation as environmentalists), air bags for the New
Zealand Stock Exchange (in case of a crash), good weather (but only if
the voters behave), job creation by carpeting the nations highways, and
the sending-out of intelligence agents around the world to wipe New
Zealand off published maps so no one could invade the country.
THE DONALD DUCK PARTY is a Swedish joke political party that received
write-in votes before it even existed. Capitalizing on its popularity,
one man, Bosse Person, registered it. He is its only member. In 1991, the
party received 1,535 write in votes by promoting a platform which
advocated free liquor and wider sidewalks.
THE HAPPENING HAPPY HIPPY PARTY was a spoof political party that was
really more a Web site and "e-zine" that ran in the late '90's and early
'00's. It promoted easing the burden on Britain's National Health Service
by making accidents illegal and improving Britain's climate by towing the
island 200 miles south.
THE MARIJUANA PARTY actually exists and is a current US political party
that runs candidates who - you guessed it - work tirelessly toward the
legalization of marijuana!
THE YOUTH INTERNATIONAL PARTY was a highly theatrical and anti-
authoritarian political party that existed in the US in the 60's. Its
members were called "Yippies." Better known for street theatre and
politically themed pranks that mocked the status quo (such as running a
pig as its candidate in the 1968 Election and throwing money out to the
crowd at the New York Stock Exchange), this socialist countercultural
organization was amusingly dubbed the "Groucho Marxists."
