A priest and a rabbi are sitting at an outdoor cafe when a 10-year-old

boy walks by. The priest says, "Want to fuck him?"

The rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" the woman asked her

husband.

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her

blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft,

silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

"Uh...no, I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and

seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a

crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little

quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started

looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came

in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to

send him away.

He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said: "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a

north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.

"That's correct," said the boss.

Another glass.... "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western

slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the

room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The drunk tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get

the job, I'll name who the father is."

His father says, "We are making you a little brother."

The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A couple of old guys in Palm Desert were golfing when one mentioned that

he was going to go to Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His elderly buddy remarked that he too had gone to the very same dentist

going at least 100 mph when it smacked me right in the balls."

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have

to do with your dentures?"

"It was the first time my teeth didn't hurt..."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing

computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy to focus more attention

on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Lincoln was your

age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

The son replied, "But Dad, when Lincoln was your age, he was President of

The United States!"

"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.

"No," he replies, "a 1999 Cadillac."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at

the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a minute, shifting from one foot to the

other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if

I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know

how much he charges for Howard."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in

a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"

Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"

"I'll say. What was the occasion?"

"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work

early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the

bedroom."

know my hand was caressing her thigh and she was whispering dirty

nothings in my ear.

She asked me if I'd ever had a sportsman's double, a mother and daughter

3-some?

I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says tonight was my lucky night.

We went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted

upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this

soon."

"Why father?" he asked.

"Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and

the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started

adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she

started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door

and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her

boyfriend."

to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a

ticket. So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the

officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him

for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but

lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along

with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred

Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the

time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

I Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my

assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was

Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking

away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred

Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just

Fred."

"98," she replied, "Two years older than me."

"So, you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it

upon which was written: "Broken."

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the

meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to

write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building.

family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido,

I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver

so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your

Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches an attractive young

woman sitting by herself and asks, "May I buy you a drink?"

"No thank you," the woman replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Bad for your legs? Do they swell or something?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I was absolutely disgusted after I accidentally clicked on some gay porn

last night. It was the worst half hour of my life!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship

and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large

shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when

wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but

the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane

gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the

instruction "Stow High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors

to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came

into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the

production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T", (Stow High In Transit) which has come

down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely

forget what that purpose was? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame

for these strange memory lapses.

Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that

passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an "event boundary" in

the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your

brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a

blank slate for the new locale.

Two old men were sitting together talking about the good old days.

Finally one old man sighed and said "What I miss the most is playing

golf. I know I can hit the ball just as good as I ever could but my

eyesight has gotten so bad now that I can't see where the ball goes!"

The second old man says, "That's the one thing that I didn't lose as I

got older! I can still see like an eagle! Tell you what, let's go to the

golf course some day and I'll watch the ball for you and tell you where

it goes."

So they get together one day and go to the golf course. On the first tee

the first old man hits a great tee shot straight down the middle of the

fairway. Excited he asked the second old man if he saw the shot.

"I sure did, that was a good shot!" said the second old man.

I just got off the phone with a friend living in Northern Wisconsin.

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high

and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is

increasing to near gale force.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just

Do you take the bible literally? If so, here are a few questions:

1. Do you really believe that Mary was the virgin mother of Jesus?

2. Is Jesus the Lamb of God?

3. Does this mean that Mary had a little lamb?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A story of one woman's self-control and marksmanship with a little .25

cal. against a fierce predator.

"While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my husband we were surprised by

a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have

been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive," the woman

recalled. "If I had not had my little .25 caliber Beretta with me I would

not be here today!

"Just one shot to my husband's knee was all it took. The bear got him and

I was able to escape by walking away. It's one of the best pistols in my

collection!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

He took along his girl's younger sister for advice, and together they

went to the department store and bought a pair of gloves. The sister

purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the

gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents,

the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the

following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing

you again.

"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them

away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

"I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night!"

All my love.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you."

He replied:

Doctor: "Let me schedule you for some tests."

Translation: I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

Doctor: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."

Translation: I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea

pig.

Translation: I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab

can solve it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

While visiting Annapolis, a lady tourist noticed several students on

their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards

in hand.

guide: "So, what's the answer?"

The guide replied: "One."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother

2. He liked Gospel

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials

really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the

Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."

blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk

about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ

tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible

passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the

hills."