Science magazine came out with a report on the difference between men and
women's brains.
Apparently women are more controlled by a part of the brain called
Men are more controlled by a part of the brain known as the penis.
A white guy was having trouble satisfying his wife, so he went to his
black buddy at work for advice.
"Listen," said the inept white guy, "I know you soul brothers always
satisfy your women. How do you do it?"
"Oh, dat ain't no problem," said his friend. "What I does is stick it in
'em real slow, and then pull it out from 'em real fast. Keep doin' that
and dey come every time."
The white guy went home that night and tried his friend's technique out.
He stuck it in real slow, and then pulled it out real fast, just like his
buddy said. After a while he asked his wife, "Honey, do notice anything
different about the way I'm doing it?"
"Yeah," she said, "you're screwing just like black guy."
The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and
immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children
anxiously waiting to play on it.
After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A
into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman
working in a neighboring yard.
The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while
had the set completely assembled.
It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even
reading instructions."
"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you
can't read, you've got to think."
The problem - There's a box with a hole at each end and there's a rabbit
in the box. The rabbit sticks his head out of the hole in one end, and a
minute later he sticks it out the other end.
Half a minute later, his head appears at the opposite end, a fourth of a
minute later it appears at the end opposite to that one, an eighth of a
minute later... etc., etc.
How long will it take before the rabbit sticks its head out of both ends
of the box at the same time?
In theory, two minutes. In practice, no answer is possible unless, of
course, you split hares.
Why is it when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut?
But when a guy does it, he's all of a sudden gay?
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue
needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer
hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and
fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him
over." The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't
Stanley ."
The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to
confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said,
"Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him
over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Stanley."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Stanley had
two ass-holes." "What! He had two ass-holes?" asked the mortician. "Yup,
we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, There's Stanley with them
two ass-holes."
I went through the McDonald's take-out window and my total was $4.25, so
I gave the clerk a $5 bill and I also handed her a quarter. She said,
"you gave me too much money."
I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but
they could not do that kind of thing."
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's. Or do. Who knows, you might get
One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to my neighbor,"
she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I
think that's so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but
have you ever heard me say a bad word about him?"
Someone asked me, "Now that you're retired, do you still have a job?"
I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."
Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by
"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice,
she'll ask me for it."
A very handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the
perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous
daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his
mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came
to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the
man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly
notice ... pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so
the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well, "the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can
hardly tell... cross-eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things
might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just
perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man
visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most
pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked
how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the Redneck, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you
could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."
A wife asked her husband, "Honey, could you please run to the store and
get a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
A while later the husband returned with a case of quart milk cartons.
Staring incredulously at the 12-pack case of milk, his wife asked, "Why
the hell did you buy so much milk?"
Her husband said, "They had eggs."
A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just
thinking about his future.
He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you this fine day?"
"I'm the Class of 2012, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait
to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."
"Congratulations," said the driver reaching back to shake the young man's
hand. "I'm Mitch. Harvard Class of '79."
Dewey was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him,
his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you
start dreaming in French."
Dewey ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I
had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!"
"Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?"
"I don't know," Dewey replied; "I couldn't understand a word they were
Last June, my friend told me about her plans for our upcoming prom. "I'm
renting a stretch limo and spending $1,000 on a new dress, and I've
reserved a table at the most expensive restaurant in town," she said.
Our teacher overheard her and shook her head. "I didn't spend that much
on my wedding."
My friend answered, "I can have three or four weddings. But a prom you do
only once."
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes
into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
Procrastinating is like masturbating: You're only fucking yourself.
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to
be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
Dr. Smith asks his patient, "Which do you want first, the good news or
the bad news?"
The patient replies, "Give me the good news."
Dr. Smith says, "You're about to have a disease named after you."
An elderly couple in their 70's were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays.
A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed, great-looking
suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of after-shave, presenting a
well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady. The
gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a
sip, turns to her, and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a
fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at an academic function, and his hostess
naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental
deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone
should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on
the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world
and died during one of them. Which one?'"
The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You
wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't
know much about history."
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them
unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a con- ciliatory
attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said.
With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"
At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards,
finally shaking her head, "No." A clerk came over and asked, "May I help
you?" "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'I'm Sorry I
laughed at your dick' cards?"
"Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company."
"Would you spell that, please?"
"Certainly. That's C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in
eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."
"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell
all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other
asshole using my stuff."
She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another
Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking
beer. Larry turns to Doug and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through
life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community
College and sign up for some classes."
Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave. The next day, Larry goes
down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for
the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Larry says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you
would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
"Yep, I have a family alright."
"I'm not done yet.. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be
a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual! That's amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to
go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is
signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Doug says, "What's that?"
Larry says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
"Yer a homo, ain't ya?"
A friend said there was nothing worse than waking up with a sore head and
less money than you thought you had.
I said, "Could be worse, you could have a sore ass and MORE money than
you thought you had."
On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for
St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to
wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple
are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were
allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.
'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
'Yes,' he informs them, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things
don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a
priest up here!
Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?!'
I was really peeved when I lost out on winning the pub quiz, by only a
single answer.
The crucial question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
Apparently, the correct answer is "Africa".
Example of a Republican / Christian pole
Should our tax dollars be used to rip little babies from their mothers'
womb and hack them to pieces in a Democratic Party sponsored Planned
Parenthood butcher shop?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
Do you support a political party that uses an ass as its symbol because
that is exactly what each and every person who votes for liberal garbage
Yes [ ] No [ ]
Do you want to persecute Christians and force their children to submit to
child molestation by satanic homosexuals in the boy scouts?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
Will you fund our military to the point that we can kill anybody we want
- any time, any way we want?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
Will you snatch our guns from our cold dead hands until the only people
who have guns in this country are them criminal colored folks?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
Will you support special rights for homosexuals, such as the so-called
"right" to keep a job if their boss finds out what a disgusting perverted
sinner they are?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
Do you support taxpayer money going to the people who most need it, such
as televangelists and Baptist churches?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
If elected, will you shut down churches, put Satan in control of the
White House, force children to look at pornography, force everyone to
become homosexual and generally work to destroy everything that is good
and decent?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
Ammo is getting scarce! This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two
boxes of ammo. I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home,
but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short
skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my
passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in
barter, big fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo 'ya got?"
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He Got
into the taxi, and said, "Perfect timing. You're just Like Andrew"
Cabbie: "Who?"
Passenger: "Andrew Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like your coming along when I needed a cab, things happen like that
to Andrew Sullivan, every single time."
Cabbie: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Passenger: "Not Andrew Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like
an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have
heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Cabbie: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Passenger: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change
a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Andrew Sullivan, he could do
everything right."
Cabbie: "Wow. Some guy then."
Passenger: "Yep, and he really knew how to treat a woman. He would never
answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always
immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never
made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Andrew Sullivan."
Cabbie: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Passenger: "Well, I never actually met Andrew. He died. I'm married to
his damned widow."
Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break. Nina
asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"
Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."
"Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically.
"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."
One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is
fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."
"If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked the second
"I'm seriously considering it, but I'd like to lose another 15 pounds
A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counselor. The
counselor asks the wife, "What's the problem?"
She says, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"
The husband replies, "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she
took it to the veterinarian... The vet found that the problem was hair in
the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this
from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair
remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the
register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under
your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body
lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know,
I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
A customer called our service line demanding help with her TV set, which
wouldn't come on.
"I'm sorry, but we can? send a technician out today due to the blizzard,"
I told her.
Unsatisfied, she barked, "I need my TV fixed today! What else am I
supposed to do while the power is out?!"
The wife left a note on the fridge, "It's not working! I can't take it
any more, I've gone to stay at my mother's!"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold...God only
knows what she was talking about.
My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone
prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to
go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered
list of seven items.
Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the
grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four
boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven
green peppers.
Five surgeons are having drinks together at a surgical convention and
making jokes...
The first, a Florida surgeon, says: "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is
The second, a Michigan surgeon, responds: "Yeah, but you should try
electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded."
The third, a California surgeon, says: "No, I really think librarians are
the best; everything inside of them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth, an New York surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over."
But the fifth, from Washington D.C. shut them all up when he observed,
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no
guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine, and the head and the ass
are interchangeable."
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the
freeway. You're going to be okay, however, your penis was severed in the
accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I
understand that you have been married for over twenty years and this is
something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher
before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a
nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now,
she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in
helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."
A friend and I were watching a film when a character called another a
"What's that mean?" she asked.
"It's a female who's addicted to sex," I answered.
"What do they call males who are addicted to sex?"
After giving birth, I quit my job. The exit questionnaire asked, "What
steps would have prevented you from leaving?"
My answer: "Birth control."
A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part
of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some
questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's
husband sweetly.
Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to
the other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."
As I Mature
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes,
After that you better have a huge schlong.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting, long after you think you're
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take
its place!
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your
house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from
you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away.
Mary was married to a something of a chauvinist. They both worked full
time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly....not any
housework. That, he declared, was 'woman's work.'
One evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a
load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on
the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was
astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.
It turned out that her husband Charley had read a magazine article that
suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they
weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to
holding down a full-time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her
friends in the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.
"Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up,
helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put
everything away."
"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.
"Oh, that part didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up.
What with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both
ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on
their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a
straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local
textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep
their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way I
was going to lay that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy
they've got it!
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look
around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a
Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good
you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to
know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with
a pen! And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it
in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had
to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or, we had to wait
around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk
over the beginning and mess it all up!
You want to hear about hardship?
We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone
and somebody else called, they got a busy signal!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you
had no idea who it was, it could be your boss, your Mom, a collections
agent, you didn't know!!!
You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-
resolution 3-D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids"!
Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there
were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!
And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster
until you died!
Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as stadium
seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front
of you, you watched his hairstyle!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20
channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book
called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday
morning... D'ya hear what I'm saying!?!
We had to wait ALL WEEK!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too
easy. You're spoiled!
You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!