Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the
proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the
fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, "You
did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised
and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you,
The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a
two-bit whore."
"Yeah," says the bartender. "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"
Two old ladies are sitting on the porch at the old folk's home. One
turned to the other and asked "Martha, you were married a long time, did
you and your husband have mutual orgasm?"
The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, no,
I think we had State Farm."
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience
with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the
authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session"
out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with
friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.
Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over
the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it
was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know
where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do
with it.
I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS. They remind me of some co-workers.
They all hang together, half of the fuckers don't work, and the ones that
do aren't that bright.
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual
checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating.
I asked why. She said, "Because I am trying to examine you!"
Some of our old favorites have now been re-released. The following songs
are on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies."
Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon -- 'You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations -- "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra -- "These Boots Are Made For Bunions"
ABBA -- "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out"
Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
Steely Dan -- "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"
Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs -- "Bald Thing"
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the
department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent
this reply...
"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by
age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the
other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we are going live in America, we
might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor
and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and
hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and
begin to unwrap their "dogs."
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a
moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did
you get?"
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are
the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment.
But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added,
"Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.
The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and
the father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first
two sons Mark and Frank."
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She
told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-
stuffed the turkey.
She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for
dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to
remove the stuffing.
When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the
little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia,
you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news,
my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
When my wife came home yesterday afternoon to find the kitchen and living
room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the
couch having done nothing but eat chips and watch TV all afternoon.
She shook her finger at me, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to
make me do something I don't want to do!"
"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids to
help them out a bit. The team's performance soars. They win the county
and state championships and are favored to win the national competition
Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I
have a problem. I'm starting to grow hair where I never had it before."
"What?" the coach says in a panic, "Where are you growing hair?"
She replies, "On my balls."
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage
direction. In my script it clearly said: "Enter Juliette from the rear."
A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs for
breakfast? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?' He
declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'
At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'
He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
'Would you like a juicy steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'
He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra... I'm still
not hungry.'
'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm fucking starving!'
So I hear Chicago has a soccer team named the Chicago Fire. That's pretty
cool, naming a team after the worst disaster in their city's history.
That takes balls. You don't see any other cities doing that. You don't
see the New Orleans Katrina's. Or the Boston Massacres. Or the Oklahoma
City Bombings. Or the New York Jets. Wait a second...
A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."
A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three
phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."
A husband and wife were sitting watching TV. He turned to his wife and
said... "Here's a riddle for you, Honey. Can you tell me something that
will make me happy and sad, all at the same time?"
She thinks about it for a minute and says, "You have the biggest dick of
all your Friends."
Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather forlorn and
down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the
whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and
left me ten thousand dollars."
"I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck for you, eh?"
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew
kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand, free and clear."
"Well, you can't be disappointed with that!"
"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost one
hundred thousand dollars."
"Incredible... so how come you look so glum?"
"Well, this week...nothing!"
Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex:
10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. It's okay if the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,
because you actually are.
5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. There's a lot less guilt the morning after.
1. You can do the whole neighborhood.
My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper
pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia. Hoping to get off with
a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked
how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I
am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my
release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass
when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the
ground?" he was again asked.
The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
These two guys go to a whorehouse.
The first guy goes in then comes out and says, "My wife is better."
The second guy goes in then comes out and says, "You know what? Your wife
IS better."
A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a
marriage counselor.
The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to
begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in
The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."
Two hunters were relaxing in their lodge, making small talk.
One of them asked, "So, what do you hunt?"
"Unicorns," came the surprising answer.
Startled, the first hunter gasped, "Really? How do the hell do you do
"Well, I find a virgin and hire her to help me. They're the only thing
that attracts unicorns. I have her wait in the woods until a unicorn
comes up to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."
The first hunter sighed, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of
'em, but I've never seen one."
The second hunter said, "Yeah, and there ain't many unicorns either."
At the end of his sermon the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation
wanted to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood up and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a
praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, was in a terrible bicycle wreck
and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the
doctors didn't know if they could help him."
A muffled gasp arose from the men in the congregation as the thought of
the pain poor Phil must have experienced sank in.
"Phil was hurt so badly that he couldn't even hold me or the kids," Suzie
continued. "Every movement caused terrible pain. We prayed when his
doctors performed the delicate operation required to repair the extensive
damage. Luckily they were able to piece the crushed and broken remnants
of Phil's scrotum together and wrap it in wire to hold everything in
Again, the male half of the congregation squirmed uncomfortably, cringing
at the thought of what Phil went through.
"Today," Suzie announced in a quivering voice, "Thanks to the Lord, Phil
is out of the hospital. His doctors say that with time, his scrotum
should recover completely."
A great sigh of relief arose from the pews. The shaken pastor stood and
tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He looked around the
congregation and said, "I'm Phil." The entire assembly held its
collective breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is
The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of
his family waiting for the news, "We had twins!"
The family was so excited, they immediately asked, "Who do they look
With a confused look the father said, "Each other!"
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman
signaled a car to pull over to the curb.
When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the
big dog sitting on the seat beside him.
"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.
"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one; I always do the driving."
Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, "I think I'm going
to see a dietician."
Nina asked, "Why?"
Rosy answered, "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories
are in sperm."
Nina replied, "I really have no clue, but if you're swallowing that much
of it, no guy is going to care if you're a little chunky."
"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front
desk to check out.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!"
I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a
couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was.
"Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly
that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"
There were two old men sitting on a park bench talking. One old man asked
the other, "How is your wife?"
Second old man replied, "I think she may be Dead!"
First old man, "What do you mean you THINK she may be dead?"
Second old man, "Well... the sex is the same but the dishes are starting
to pile up."
Two nuns sat at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks
pulls up alongside.
"Hey! Let's see your tits, you stuck up penguins!" shouts one of the
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata and says, "I don't think
they know who we are. Show them your cross."
So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off you
little shits, before I come over there and rip your balls off!"
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that
cross enough?"
A kindergarten class was given a homework assignment to find out
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the
teacher called on walked up to the front of the class. He picked up a
piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," he replied.
"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a
"Darned if I know," said the boy, "but yesterday my sister was missing
one, Mom fainted, Dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined
the Navy."
I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our
anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I
appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers
and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up
with me so long.'
When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.
"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" I said.
She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for
putting up with me. So long."
Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers":
"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins."
"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding
"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."
"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes
out of the tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."
"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."
"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"
"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."
"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up
out of his ashtray.
"And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third
wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish
was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your
first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it
was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've
always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on
inside their heads."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever,
"That was your first wish, too!"
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend
and her twin. I said, "How can you tell them apart?"
He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."
A guy goes into U.S. Postal Service to apply for a job. The interviewer
asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points
for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and you might as well plan on
starting at 10:00 am every Day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
PM, why don't you want me here until 10?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No
point in You coming in for that."
As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students
she read, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset."
She wrote at the bottom of the page, "You obviously have problems with
homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro is an ass. At your
age it's time to learn the difference."
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the
raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The
first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
I was reading an article last night about fathers and daughters and
memories came flooding back of the time I took my daughter out for her
first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house. I
got her a Fosters. She didn't like I had it.
Then I got her a Carling Black Label, she didn't like it... so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider. By the time we
got down to the Scotch I could hardly push the stroller back home.
Here are 10 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on
British TV and radio...
1) Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator:
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning
and it was amazing!"
2) New Zealand Rugby Commentator:
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
3) Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
4) Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977:
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing
the cox of the Oxford crew."
5) US PGA Com mentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that
before each tee shot his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my
god!! What have I just said?"
6) A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"
7) Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."
8) Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this."
9) Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
10) Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only
come in his shorts."
11) Michael Buerk, as he watched Phillippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only
come in his shorts."
12) Carenza Lewis, about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live', said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
13) 'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead:
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
14) Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
15) Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open (an old favourite):
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it
by himself."
16) James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
17) Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
18) Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a
big race when he said:
"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from
different positions."
19) Metro Radio:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on
the field."
An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of
attacking anything that moved including people. His friends told him that
if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggressions and quit this
So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his front
room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog jumped up and went right
thru the screen door and attacked the mailman. The old man ran out and
pulled his dog off and began apologizing to the mailman.
He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My friends told
me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know
what to do."
The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have had his teeth
pulled, I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to screw me."
In 1923, Who Was...
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their
Now, 82 years later, history tells us what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison
to die at home
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the
most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
So, what became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, and died in 1999 at the ripe old age of
95! He was *very* financially secure at the time of his death.
The moral here:
Forget work.
Play golf!