1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
6. You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong.
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
12. If you go into heat, package your meat.
13. While you're undressing Venus, dress up your penis.
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse.
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
16. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
18. The right selection will protect your erection.
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
20. A crank with armor will never harm her.
21. No glove, no love!
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub
and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but
serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three
more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and
drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is
whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of
the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why
you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and
one went to America , and the other to Australia . We promised each other
that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way
of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon
the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of
pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to
watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender
pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the
evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers
are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first
of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother.
You know-the two beers and all."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear
that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have
decided to give up drinking for Lent."
Two businessmen were out at their private golf club enjoying a beautiful
afternoon with a round of golf. Since it was just the two of them, they
were moving around the course in short time until they came upon a
twosome of ladies on the twelfth hole.
The two men watched as the ladies hit their shots, carried on animated
conversations and taking their own sweet time to finish play totally
ignoring the twosome behind them. The more they watched, the more
frustrated and angry the two men became as their round was slowed to a
snail's pace.
Finally one of the men said, "I'm going to drive up to those ladies, give
them a piece of my mind and tell them they better let us play through or
As his companion watched, the first man drove up the cart path got about
half the way to the ladies, abrubptly turned around and returned to the
The second golfer asked, "What did they say?"
The first said, "I couldn't say anything. As I got closer I realized that
one of the ladies is my wife and the other is my mistress."
"That's OK, I'll go talk to them," replied the second man
as he jumped into the cart and headed toward the women.
Suddenly he too made a U-turn and headed back to his playing partner.
As he approached the tee he said, "Small world, isn't it!"
Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my first grade class."
Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at nursery school!"
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "That's nothing. I can remember
going to the senior prom with my dad, and coming home with my mom."
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns
Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for
work in my Volvo 1800 leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as
usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked
out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my
husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our
bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have
been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would
leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling
increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever
since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He
won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear SheilA: An 1800 stalling after being driven a short distance can be
caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that
there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum
lines and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding
wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that
the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the
carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around her family
dairy farms since she was old enough to walk with hours of hard work and
little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in
grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best
slogan/rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all..."
She said, "I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this!"
She sent in her entry and about a week later a black limo drove up in
front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry
so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able
to use it." Here is her entry:
Carnation milk, best milk in the land
Comes to you in a little red can.
Carnation milk is best of all
No tits to pull, no hay to haul.
No buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping
This letter was sent by WalMart's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the WalMart
Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering
banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband
stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few
months, all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15 : Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
3. July 7 : Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
feminine products aisle.
4. July 19 : Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14 : Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15 : Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department
and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and
a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23 : When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help
him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me
8. October 4 : Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10 : While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
antidepressants were.
10. December 3 : Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
the Mission Impossible' theme.
11. December 6 : In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna
look' using different size funnels.
12. December 18 : Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,
yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. December 21 : When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23 : Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
Terri Munday.
WalMart Customer Services.
A guy was driving around the back roads of Virginia when he saw a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '.
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting
there. ? ?
'Do You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,
what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA
and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed
services...the United States Marines! . You know one of their nicknames
is 'The Devil Dogs.'
'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting
in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down'.
'I retired from the Corps (eight dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed
up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering
near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of
puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is totally amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he
wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
'Because he's such a liar..!.. He never did any of that crap.'
666 is the Number of the BEAST
670 - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
665.9999954 - Number of the Pentium Beast
0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
/666 - Beast Common Denominator
666 x sq. rt (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 - Binary of the Beast 6
1-666 - Area code of the Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement
$606.66 - Wal-Mart price of the Beast
$566.66 - Costco/Price Club price of the Beast
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 - Way of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
- Number of the Blonde Beast, uh...what was the number
Sport Gaffes
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the
cox of the Oxford crew."
--- Harry Carpenter (BBC TV, University Boat Race 1977)
"The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey."
--- Brian Johnston (as Michael Holding faced Peter Willey)
"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and
showing his class."
--- David Coleman
"We estimate, and this isn't an estimation, that Greta Waitz is 80
seconds behind."
--- David Coleman
"On another night, they'd have won 2-2."
---Ron Atkinson (commenting on a Valencia-Liverpool Match)
"He is accelerating all the time. That last lap was run in 64 seconds and
the one before in 62."
--- David Coleman
"That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as fast as the world
--- David Coleman
"And Britain defeats the rest of the world to pick up the bronze medal."
--- Unknown
"The Americans sowed the seed, and now they have reaped the whirlwind."
--- Sebastian Coe
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and
it was amazing!"
--- Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
--- New Zealand Rugby Commentator
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
--- Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator
"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that
before each tee shot his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my
god!! What have I just said?"
--- US PGA Com mentator
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"
--- A female news anchor to the weatherman who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."
--- Steve Ryder covering the US Masters
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
--- Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
--- Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come
in his shorts."
--- Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage
Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out
of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the
coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the man inside
alive! They help him out and call an ambulance and in a medical miracle
he lives another ten years before eventually keeling over.
Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers
carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the church, the
wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts, "Watch the wall!"
Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the conversation got
around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove.
"I'm a veterinarian," said the first fellow, "so, naturally, I drive a
white Vette."
As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign company, so
I drive a purple Neon."
Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other
two. "Well", he finally said, "I'm a proctologist...and I have a brown
Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked
during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body,
which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal
size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is
a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of
this." With that, she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question.
Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in
dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say
to you: one, you have not studied the chapter I assigned. Two, you have a
dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful
An older, very dignified gentleman went to his travel agent and tried to
book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent
said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight
at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get
them onto a three-day cruise. The gentleman was disappointed that it was
such a short cruise, but booked it, and then went to the drugstore to buy
Dramamines and three condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could
upgrade him to a five-day cruise.
The gentleman said, "Great, I'll take it!" And he returned to the same
pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was
delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.
The gentleman was elated and, went back to the drugstore. He asked for
three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not
trying to pry, but if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the
bed, sweating and panting.
"What the hell's going on?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-
year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in
your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past
his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there
is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You bastard!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and
all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"
The Washington Post's Mensa invitational once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the 2009 winners:
1) Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2) Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3) Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
4) Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5) Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6) Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7) Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8) Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
9) Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running
10) Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11) Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
12) Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13) Glibido : All talk and no action.
14) Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15) Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16) Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17) Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
18) Prostitot (n.): A young child wearing overly revealing clothing.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words.
And the winners are:
1) Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2) Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one
has gained.
3) Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4) Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5) Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
6) Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when
wearing only a nightgown.
7) Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.
8) Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9) Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has
been run over by a steamroller.
10) Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11) Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12) Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
13) Pokemon , n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14) Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with
15) Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief20that, after death, the soul flies
up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16) Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of jockey shorts worn by
Jewish men.
Jim died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her
oldest and dearest friend. “Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,” she
“I'm sure you're right,” replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned
in close.
“How much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Sharon. “Forty thousand.”
“No!” Brenda exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?”
Sharon answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The
whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the
Memorial Stone.”
Brenda computed quickly. “$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?”
“Oh, about 4 ½ carats…”
Puns for Educated Minds...
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in
his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When
his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage
direction. In my script it clearly said: "Enter Juliette from the rear."
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor
asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have
sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with
the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for
$50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!"
coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old
lady's handbag, but she was putting up a hell of a fight and wouldn't let
I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't
see anything.
I finally decided that I should help.
She was a tough old bird, but the three of us finally got that handbag.
It wouldn't be funny if it weren't so true... Julie Andrews turned 69 and
to commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie
Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall
for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was
"My Favourite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music."
Here are the actual lyrics she used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things..
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city. Choosing the
best looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well-appointed
suite, where he has some of the best sex of his life. Satiated, the man
asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?"
The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls two
hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She fends off all his
attempts for an explanation.
Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the same
treatment, and is again given two hundred dollars.
The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the madam she
asks him for three hundred dollars.
"Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me two hundred
dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars. Now you want me
to pay you three hundred? Why?"
The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren’t being filmed."
"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm
destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to
the heavens, "Why, God? Why me?" and the thundering voice
of God answered, "There's just something about you that
pisses me off." --Stephen King
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home
from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road
which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael
O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe
old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick
O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that
got to be 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to
see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin."
"Colleges in India have banned all women form wearing jeans.
They say it's to protect them from sexual harassment. Seems
like it would be easier to ban sexual harassment."
-Jimmy Fallon
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25
years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of
the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give
a little speech at the dinner.
He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words
while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish
from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been
assigned to a terrible place. The very first person to enter
my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and,
when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of
it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his
employer, had an affair with his boss' wife, taken illegal
drugs and he had given VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people
were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine
parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived
full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make
the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the
first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician.
"In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him
in confession."
After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the
driver of the other vehicle was drunk. He told me the other
vehicle was a cow.
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my
annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating.
I asked why. She said, "Because I am trying to examine you!"
Suzy Lee fell in love, she planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy about it all, she told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal, you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo maw don't know, but Joe is yo half-brother."
So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this, he said "There's trouble still
You can't marry Will, my gal, and please don't tell yo mother,
cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother."
But mama knew and said, "Honey child, do what makes yo happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"
Lady Interviewer: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 1/2 a bottle of whisky.
Lady Interviewer: How much does whisky cost?
Man: Roughly $30.00.
Lady Interviewer: How long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 30 years
Lady Interviewer: That means you have spent roughly $150,000 on booze.
Man: OK
Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink you
could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No
Man: So where is your Ferrari?
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy
is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know
why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him
of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade,
questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather
explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to
the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and
when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what
it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that
you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving
record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to
represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run
the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;
"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature
and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he
put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner
told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number
was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the
correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is
rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week!
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who
had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well,
we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end
the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who
introduced it to women!"
Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were Everybody,
Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.
Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that
Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that
Nobody would do it.
So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody
could have done in the first place.
Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But
the initials really have been changed to stand for "What
would Jesus drive?"
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old
Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve
out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a
Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies
with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses'
followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the
Ram's horn sounds a long blast."
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't
like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St.
John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not
speak of my own Accord..."
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as
evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of
Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."
Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler:
"Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." And,
following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda...
"The Apostles were in one Accord."
A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic
biology students, about to hand out the final exam.
"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this
semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of
you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one
gets their GPA messed up because they might have been
celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like
to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the
There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up,
walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up
on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor
looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked,
"Anyone else? This is your last chance."
One final student rose up and opted out of the final.
The professor closed the door and took attendance of those
students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourselves,"
he said. "You all get 'A's."
Rules of the Air
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull
the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the
stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than
up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep
the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided
with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to
make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to
taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle
of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and
vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to
five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about
might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable
sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the
number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.
The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round
and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going
hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the
ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience
usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as
much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's
not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above
you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast
of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Q: How do two psychiatrists greet each other?
A: You are fine. How am I?
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and
looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables
are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that
A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he
pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write
with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and
said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."
A man and his wife are watching a pay-per-view boxing match on TV. After
a first round knock-out the husband sighs and says, "What a rip off! It
was all over in three minutes!"
The wife replies, "Now you know how I feel."