NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK SLOGANS

1. Cover your stump before you hump.

2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.

7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.

9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

16. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

18. The right selection will protect your erection.

19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub

and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but

serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three

more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and

drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is

whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of

the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why

you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and

one went to America , and the other to Australia . We promised each other

that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender

pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the

evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers

are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first

of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother.

You know-the two beers and all."

Two businessmen were out at their private golf club enjoying a beautiful

afternoon with a round of golf. Since it was just the two of them, they

were moving around the course in short time until they came upon a

twosome of ladies on the twelfth hole.

The two men watched as the ladies hit their shots, carried on animated

conversations and taking their own sweet time to finish play totally

ignoring the twosome behind them. The more they watched, the more

frustrated and angry the two men became as their round was slowed to a

snail's pace.

half the way to the ladies, abrubptly turned around and returned to the

tee.

The second golfer asked, "What did they say?"

The first said, "I couldn't say anything. As I got closer I realized that

one of the ladies is my wife and the other is my mistress."

"That's OK, I'll go talk to them," replied the second man

as he jumped into the cart and headed toward the women.

Suddenly he too made a U-turn and headed back to his playing partner.

As he approached the tee he said, "Small world, isn't it!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "That's nothing. I can remember

going to the senior prom with my dad, and coming home with my mom."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for

work in my Volvo 1800 leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been

having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would

leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling

increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever

since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He

won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that

there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum

lines and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding

wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that

the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the

carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

-Walter

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around her family

dairy farms since she was old enough to walk with hours of hard work and

little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in

front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry

so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able

to use it." Here is her entry:

Carnation milk, best milk in the land

Comes to you in a little red can.

Carnation milk is best of all

No tits to pull, no hay to haul.

No buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,

Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!

This letter was sent by WalMart's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the WalMart

Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering

banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband

stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few

months, all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15 : Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in

feminine products aisle.

4. July 19 : Walked up to an employee and told her in an official

tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14 : Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15 : Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department

and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and

a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23 : When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help

him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me

alone?'

10. December 3 : Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming

the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6 : In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna

look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18 : Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,

yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

14. December 23 : Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a

while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

Yours,

Terri Munday.

WalMart Customer Services.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting

there. ? ?

'Do You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,

what's your story?'

The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when

I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA

and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed

services...the United States Marines! . You know one of their nicknames

is 'The Devil Dogs.'

'I retired from the Corps (eight dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed

up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering

near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible

dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of

puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is totally amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he

wants for the dog.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

666 is the Number of the BEAST

soul

"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the

cox of the Oxford crew."

--- Harry Carpenter (BBC TV, University Boat Race 1977)

"The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey."

--- Brian Johnston (as Michael Holding faced Peter Willey)

"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and

showing his class."

--- David Coleman

---Ron Atkinson (commenting on a Valencia-Liverpool Match)

"He is accelerating all the time. That last lap was run in 64 seconds and

the one before in 62."

--- David Coleman

"That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as fast as the world

record."

--- David Coleman

"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and

it was amazing!"

--- Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

--- New Zealand Rugby Commentator

"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

--- Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator

"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that

before each tee shot his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my

god!! What have I just said?"

--- US PGA Com mentator

"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"

"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like

this."

--- Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North

"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

--- Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports

"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come

in his shorts."

--- Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male

coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the man inside

alive! They help him out and call an ambulance and in a medical miracle

he lives another ten years before eventually keeling over.

Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers

carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the church, the

wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts, "Watch the wall!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign company, so

I drive a purple Neon."

Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other

two. "Well", he finally said, "I'm a proctologist...and I have a brown

Probe."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked

during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body,

which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal

size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is

a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of

"Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say

to you: one, you have not studied the chapter I assigned. Two, you have a

dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful

disappointment."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An older, very dignified gentleman went to his travel agent and tried to

book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent

said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could

upgrade him to a five-day cruise.

The gentleman said, "Great, I'll take it!" And he returned to the same

pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was

delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises

coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the

bed, sweating and panting.

"What the hell's going on?" he asks.

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived

full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make

the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the

first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician.

"In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him

in confession."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my

annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating.

I asked why. She said, "Because I am trying to examine you!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Suzy Lee fell in love, she planned to marry Joe.

But after telling pappy this, he said "There's trouble still

You can't marry Will, my gal, and please don't tell yo mother,

cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother."

But mama knew and said, "Honey child, do what makes yo happy.

Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Lady Interviewer: How long have you been drinking like that?

Man: 30 years

Lady Interviewer: That means you have spent roughly $150,000 on booze.

Man: OK

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink you

could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady Interviewer: No

Man: So where is your Ferrari?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy

is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know

why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him

of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade,

right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to

the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and

when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what

it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that

you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving

record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to

and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this

ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"

underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he

put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner

told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number

was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is

rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end

the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.

Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that

Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that

Nobody would do it.

So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody

could have done in the first place.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a

Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies

with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses'

followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the

Ram's horn sounds a long blast."

evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of

Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler:

"Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." And,

following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda...

"The Apostles were in one Accord."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

gets their GPA messed up because they might have been

celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like

to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the

test."

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up,

walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up

on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor

looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked,

"Anyone else? This is your last chance."

One final student rose up and opted out of the final.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those

students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourselves,"

he said. "You all get 'A's."

the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the

stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than

up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep

the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start

sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided

taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle

of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and

vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to

five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about

might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable

sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round

and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger

compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going

hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the

ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience

usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as

much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's

not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast

of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church

beside me wife."

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night

at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,

he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,

and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Q: How do two psychiatrists greet each other?

speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and

then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and

looked around and couldn't find any.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he

pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write

with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and

said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*