One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being
introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them
around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He
is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in
Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a
thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found
a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and
fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a
noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn
lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this:
RRROOAARRR!!! ...........I tell you, I just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you,
I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then, just now,
when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"
It was rumored that a particular Native American had a fantastic memory.
Hundreds of people asked the Indian questions which he was able to
answer. A skeptical young man set out to find this Indian. When he did,
he thought he'd conduct a test.
After standing in a long queue of people asking questions it was finally
his turn. He asked the Indian what he had had for breakfast 10 years
ago. The Indian replied: "Eggs."
The young man went off not entirely satisfied because there was no
evidence to prove that the answer was correct.
Ten years later the man comes across the Indian again. Very pleased to
see him he greets him in the stereotypical "How."
The Indian looks up at him, pauses for a moment and then replies:
This morning. the math teacher singled me out to ask me, "If you have
$200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sally and $60 to Susan, what would
you have?"
Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young
couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the home- owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of
her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us
both.. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
'Be strong. I love you, too!'
When I was young, I wrote a letter to Santa every year and he always
brought me what I wanted.
Now that I'm an adult, I have my children write similar letters to Santa,
but the lazy bastard never brings them anything.
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and
he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
---Terry Pratchett
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before
passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm
still a virgin."
The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been
married three times before."
The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he
wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all
he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp
collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
*The Hokey Pokey*
(how we now sing it)
Put your left foot in,
Your left foot out,
Your left foot in,
And shake it all about.
You do the hokey pokey
And turn yourself around
That’s what it’s all about.
*The Hokey Pokey*
(from the original Shakespearean)
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven’s yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt.
Verily, I say, ’tis what it’s all about.
Good Writing Advice
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your
superficial sentimentalities and amicable philosophical or psychological
observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.
Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a
clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency and a concatenated
Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune
babblement and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descants and unpremeditated expatiations have
intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical
Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy and
vain vapid verbosity.
If you are really interested to know, the above means: “Be brief and
don’t use big words.”
Cecil and Morris are walking to services and Cecil asks, "I wonder
whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?"
"Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris.
Cecil sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to
smoke while I pray?"
"No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and
traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi.
Cecil goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him.
"I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if I pray
while I smoke?"
To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all
A woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time and asks,
"Do you have any turkey?"
The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only turkey and puts it on
the weighing scales. It weighs six pounds.
The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales and asks, "Do you have
one that's a bit bigger than this one, please?" The butcher puts the
turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out again, but this time
when he puts it on the scales he keeps his thumb on the turkey. The
scales now show eight pounds
"That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please!"
How Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a
desert. Congress said,
- "Someone may steal from it at night."
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said,
- "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to
write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress
- "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to
do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said,
- "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll
officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said,
- "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an
Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal
Secretary. Then Congress said,
- "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000
over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
Traditional marriage, Bible-style
In short, if we are to let the Bible define what "traditional marriage"
should look like, then our marriage laws should be amended as such:
A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man
and one or more women. (Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5)
B. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in
addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron
C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If
the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22:13-21)
D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden. (Gen
24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30)
E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the
constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be
construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)
F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the
widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does
not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise
punished in a manner to be determined by law. (Gen 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)
G. In lieu of marriage, if there are no acceptable men in your town, it
is required that you get your dad drunk and have sex with him (even if he
had previously offered you up as a sex toy to men young and old), tag-
teaming with any sisters you may have. Of course, this rule applies only
if you are female. (Gen 19:31-36)
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a
big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin.
I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter
alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and
shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and
you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have "rough
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear
than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully
Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and
managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is
shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come
here for the hunting, do you?"
In Alaska's National Forests, a tour guide was giving a talk to a group
of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory: "Most bear encounters
occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing
wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting surprise can be
To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their
clothing to warn the bears of their presence. "Also," he said further,
"be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area,
especially when you see bear droppings."
One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"
"Oh that's easy," the guide explained, "its the ones with all the tiny
bells in them!"
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help
me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I
end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed
for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to
strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I
won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
Several years ago, when I lived in New York and flew to customer sites
often, my wife would usually drop me off at Newark (N.J.) airport and
pick me up when I returned. On one trip, I was only going to be gone for
a few days, so I drove myself, and parked the car at Newark.
When I returned, the weather was lousy, and it was late at night. I
wanted nothing more than to get home to the comfort of my wife and my own
bed. When I arrived, the storm was very loud, with crashing thunder and
Severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two
children, Alex (3) and Cindy (12), in bed with my wife, Carolyn,
apparently scared by the loud storm.
I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next
day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep
with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please
don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.
After my next trip several weeks later, Carolyn and the children picked
me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late,
everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along
with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, Alex saw me, and came running shouting
"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "Hi, Alex! And what is the good news?"
"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this
time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at
Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if
they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
Church Bulletins
These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS ) appeared in church bulletins or
were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: ' Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon
tonight: 'Searching for Jesus .'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much
about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare 's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
A grasshopper goes to a bar and hops up on a stool.
The bartender is surprised to see a grasshopper and says "Say, you know
we have a drink named after you?"
The grasshopper responds "You have a drink named Roger?"
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're
Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering
backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine,
bourbon, and martinis into urine. And, we're pretty damn good at it
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and
beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks
to a meager looking group of farmers.
'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'
'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who
gives the hand-jobs?' ''Yes," she smiles and purrs, “I sure am.”
The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
"One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows when to
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'
And that's how the fight started ...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into
the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be
bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started ...
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It
warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started......
My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started......
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that's how the fight started ...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds.' So I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started ...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told
the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me', and
she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten Disability, too'
And that's how the fight started ...
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He
was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's how the fight started ...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah,' I said, 'she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started ...
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started ...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something
more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time
and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came
out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
And that's how the fight started ...
A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of
snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree
with several cuts and bruises.
Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police
station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. "What happened to you?
the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"
"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."
A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the register he
realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl
if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to unzip his
pants. He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the
intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen
was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live
female, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to
unzip his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a
quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said... "Cleanup,
Register 5."
Two elderly Irish drinking buddies are sitting at the pub pondering on
the future.
One says to the other, "You know Mr. O'Shea, we've had great sport
together for many years. It just came to mind that should it be I who
should happen to go first, it would mean a great deal to me if you would
say a few kind words at me grave."
The other friend responds, "That I'll do, Mr.O'Donnel, that I'll do. But
should it be I who should happen to go first, for old times sake I'd be
forever grateful if you would pour a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over me
The friend responds, "That I'll do. That I'll do. But would you mind it
so much if it should happen to pass through me kidneys first?"
A man boarded an airplane in Sydney, Australia, with a box of crabs. A
female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator, which she did.
Shortly before landing, she couldn't remember who gave her the package,
so she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me
the crabs in Sydney please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up.
So she took them home and ate them herself.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their
drinks from the bartender.
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words
as possible. The instructions were that the short story had to contain
the following three things:
(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery
Below is the only A+ paper in the class.
"God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who the father is."
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As
he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring
calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding
my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the Bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to
the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something
had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked
the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
DOE RE MI BEER, by Homer J. Simpson.
DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...(Looks into an empty glass)
Drunk guy: "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil
knows you're dead!"
Drunk girl: "What's that mean?"
Drunk guy: "It's an Irish toast."
Drunk girl: "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
Drunk guy: "Huh?"
Drunk girl: "That's French toast."