One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being

introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them

around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He

is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never

forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.

noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn

lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this:

RRROOAARRR!!! ...........I tell you, I just shit my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you,

I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then, just now,

when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"

After standing in a long queue of people asking questions it was finally

his turn. He asked the Indian what he had had for breakfast 10 years

ago. The Indian replied: "Eggs."

The young man went off not entirely satisfied because there was no

evidence to prove that the answer was correct.

Ten years later the man comes across the Indian again. Very pleased to

see him he greets him in the stereotypical "How."

This morning. the math teacher singled me out to ask me, "If you have

$200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sally and $60 to Susan, what would

you have?"

Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He

breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young

couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the home- owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of

her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen,

this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my

ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had

any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

'Be strong. I love you, too!'

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

When I was young, I wrote a letter to Santa every year and he always

brought me what I wanted.

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and

he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

---Terry Pratchett

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before

passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm

still a virgin."

he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp

collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*The Hokey Pokey*

(how we now sing it)

Put your left foot in,

Your left foot out,

And shake it all about.

You do the hokey pokey

And turn yourself around

That’s what it’s all about.

Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:

Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.

Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.

A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.

To spin! A wilde release from heaven’s yoke.

Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.

The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt.

Verily, I say, ’tis what it’s all about.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a

clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency and a concatenated

consistency.

Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune

babblement and asinine affectations.

Let your extemporaneous descants and unpremeditated expatiations have

intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical

bombast.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Cecil and Morris are walking to services and Cecil asks, "I wonder

whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?"

"Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris.

Cecil sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to

smoke while I pray?"

"No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and

traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi.

Cecil goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him.

means."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time and asks,

"Do you have any turkey?"

The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only turkey and puts it on

the weighing scales. It weighs six pounds.

"That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

How Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a

desert. Congress said,

- "Someone may steal from it at night."

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to

write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress

said,

- "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to

do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said,

- "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll

officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said,

- "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they laid off the night watchman.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Traditional marriage, Bible-style

In short, if we are to let the Bible define what "traditional marriage"

should look like, then our marriage laws should be amended as such:

C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If

the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22:13-21)

D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden. (Gen

24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30)

E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the

constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be

construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)

G. In lieu of marriage, if there are no acceptable men in your town, it

is required that you get your dad drunk and have sex with him (even if he

had previously offered you up as a sex toy to men young and old), tag-

teaming with any sisters you may have. Of course, this rule applies only

if you are female. (Gen 19:31-36)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a

big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed

revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and

shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and

you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have "rough

recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and

managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is

shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come

here for the hunting, do you?"

wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting surprise can be

catastrophic."

To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their

clothing to warn the bears of their presence. "Also," he said further,

"be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area,

especially when you see bear droppings."

One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"

"Oh that's easy," the guide explained, "its the ones with all the tiny

bells in them!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I

won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Several years ago, when I lived in New York and flew to customer sites

often, my wife would usually drop me off at Newark (N.J.) airport and

pick me up when I returned. On one trip, I was only going to be gone for

a few days, so I drove myself, and parked the car at Newark.

apparently scared by the loud storm.

I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next

day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep

with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please

don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.

After my next trip several weeks later, Carolyn and the children picked

me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late,

everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this

time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at

Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if

they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Church Bulletins

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS ) appeared in church bulletins or

were announced in church services:

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those

things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at

someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much

about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious

help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.

So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'

Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several

new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and

gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may

be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from

the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies

are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would

basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this

tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.

Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last

Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The grasshopper responds "You have a drink named Roger?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're

retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering

backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine,

bourbon, and martinis into urine. And, we're pretty damn good at it

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and

beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks

to a meager looking group of farmers.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy

and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a

lesbian.'

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the

girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something

had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the

maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a

major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night

(you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

DOE RE MI BEER, by Homer J. Simpson.

DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...

RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...

LA...... La la la la la la beer

TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...

That will bring us back to...(Looks into an empty glass)

D'OH!

Drunk guy: "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil

knows you're dead!"

Drunk girl: "What's that mean?"

Drunk guy: "It's an Irish toast."