An American is visiting in France for several weeks. As his

stay nears an end, he is sitting around with three of his

new-found French friends shooting the breeze. The subject

turns to language, and the American says, "Guys, I do have

one question left. I keep hearing this expression, 'sang

froid'. What does it mean? I know that it literally means,

'cold blood', but how is it used?"

The second Frenchman interjected, "You have eet all wrong!

If, in zis circumstance, zee gentleman can calmly stand

zere, and say, 'Please don't mind me; continue', zen *zat*

is sang froid!"

"Non, non, non!" burst out the third. "If ze gentleman

bursts een on his wife and his best friend, stands there

saying, 'Please continue', and his friend *CAN* continue,

*zat* is sang froid!"

share that knowledge with as many people as I can. For

example, when someone tries to defend the homosexual

lifestyle, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly

states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

However, I do need some advice from you regarding some of the

other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it

creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The problem

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she

is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24.

The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most

women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both

male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring

nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans,

but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.

Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I

morally obligated to kill him myself?

reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there

some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including

the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly

forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead

pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear

gloves?

of getting the whole town together to stone them

(Lev.24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a

private family affair like we do with people who sleep with

their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these

things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you

again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and

unchanging.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling

reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests

you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from

her at that moment.

4. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.

5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,

religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down

inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make

a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has

not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would

be "meetings."

10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy

people who are not in them.

11. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of

its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT

use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some

14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too

seriously.

15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one

individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very

often, that individual is crazy.

16. Your true friends love you, anyway.

every once in a while a $20 bill comes flying out of it onto the

pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.

"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Damn!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can

gather up some of them. Thanks!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "Where did you get that money?

Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my yard backs up to the

parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of

fans come and pee in the bushes right into my flower beds! So, I stand

behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time some guy sticks

his dick through the bushes, I say; '$20 or off it comes!'"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has

been unfaithful during his time away.

"Who was it?" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?"

"No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein."

"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"

Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my

friends are good enough for you?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their

days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went

ticket for having worn tires.

So Mary Ann called him a Shithead. He finished the second ticket and put

it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third

ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the

more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's

important at our age.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Games For The Elderly

· Simon says something incoherent

· Hide and go pee

· Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

· Musical recliners.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another

for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked

about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you.

I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left

the shop.

community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you'

card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he

tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money

from you. I'm doing community service this week' The professor is very

happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you'

card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business'

and 'Becoming More Successful..

'Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the

citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I

almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well,

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked

over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw

that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and

according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Yes Sir! Class of '08!" they answered proudly.

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class

of '94."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands from

shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Darn! Just missed it by a half

hour!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be

around for his 104th.

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out

marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing.

They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we

found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was

caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a

conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to one of

the political candidates.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, that candidate is a 'Post Turtle'".

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post

turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road you come

across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post

turtle'".

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A young boy answers the phone.

A man says, "Hello is your dad around?"

The boy whispers, "Yes."

The man then asks if he can talk to him.

"Can I talk to her?"

"No, she's busy," the boy whispers.

"Is there anyone else there?"

"Yes" whispered the boy.

"Who?" the man asked.

"Is there anyone else there then?"

"Yes" whispered the boy.

"Who then?" the man asked.

"A fireman," the boy whispered.

"Can I talk to him?"

"No," the boy whispered, "he's busy."

Annoyed, the man asked what they were all doing.

"Looking for me." the boy giggled.

One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the

new rabbi see right through the brothers' deceptions, but he also spoke

well and true about it. Due to the rabbi's honesty and integrity, the

temple's membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign

was started to build a much bigger temple.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought

out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for

the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the check for

the rabbi to see.

did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said about the dead brother.

"He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he commit

an unselfish act." He railed on and on about the deceased.

After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged

his shoulders. Finally, he said, "But compared to his brother, he was a

mensch."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your

research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has

medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing through the native quarter

and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw

a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.

As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the door greeting his

congregants. When our Brooklyn friend came up, the rabbi said, "You

Jew?"

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as

fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the

slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the

general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the

regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human

brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But

A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The

bartender asks the man what he wants to drink.

"I'll have a bourbon and Coke."

The man then turns to his dog and asks, "What are you going to have,

Rover?"

"I'll have a Scotch and soda -- light on the soda," says Rover.

He is a very valuable dog."

The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone.

"Aw, I didn't believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a some money

and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper."

"Let's go look for him," said the man.

The two went to the drugstore -- no Rover. They walked up and down

nearby alleys and streets -- no dog! Finally, they found Rover in an

alley on top of another dog, pumping away.

Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, "How come you are