A Summary of the World
If we could shrink the Earth's population to a village of precisely 100
people, with all existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look
like this:
There would be 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 from the Western Hemisphere
(North and South), and 8 Africans.
51 would be female; 49 would be male.
70 would be non-white; 30 white.
70 would be non-Christian; 30 Christian.
50% of the entire world's wealth would be in the hands of only 6 people,
and all 6 would be citizens of the United States.
80 would live in substandard housing.
70 would be unable to read.
50 would suffer from malnutrition.
Only 1 would have a college education.
No one would own a computer
When one considers our world from such an incredibly compressed
perspective, the need for both tolerance and understanding becomes
glaringly apparent.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for
possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing
time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try
his
keys on five different cars before he found his. He then sat in the front
seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else
left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to
pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him
his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a
reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!!
Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know
everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says
"No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says "Yes I
do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then Bubba says "Pick
anyone... and I know him or her!"
Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom
Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck!
Tom and I were in boy scouts together
when we were kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba
says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom
Selleck's
house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes
"Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes
and Bubba's boss can't believe it.
But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he
tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!" This time Bubba's
boss has someone else in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't
know President Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I do!
Bill and I were on the debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss
says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to
Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference.
They work their way through the crowd until Bubba get's close enough to
catch Clinton's eye and waves and says "Bill!" and the President waves
and says "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up
for
30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it.
But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that
doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and
Bubba says "OK, pick anyone out from the whole world spectrum and I know
him or her!" And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The
Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope
BAPTIZED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba says "Yes
he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is saying Mass in front
of hundreds of thousands of people. They try to work their way through
the crowd -- without much luck -- so Bubba says "Boss, we're never
gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--
I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that
shows you that I know the Pope!" Then he leaves.
Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to
give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there
beside
him is Bubba! Bubba's boss passes out.
Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says
"Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what
happened!"
Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can
see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody
standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a
little
more than I can take!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Funny Town Laws
In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
there is a man either running or walking in front of it
waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall
proceed until the other has gone. In one of those "true facts" books
there was an explanation for this law. It seems that one
of the state senators did not want a law passed. To keep this particular
law from passing, he attached the train law to it. He
hoped that his fellow senators would discover the train law attached, see
how ridiculous it was, and not pass the laws.
Nobody saw the the train law attached and passed both laws. This may not
be the real reason, but it sounds good. And it
might explain some of the laws we have to live with.
It is against the law to fish from horseback in Utah.
Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box
of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
In Denver, it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next door
neighbor.
In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas.
In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of
concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are
exhibited to public view."
San Francisco is said to be the only city in the nation to have
ordinances guaranteeing sunshine to the masses.
I understand that in Germany, there is a law that every office must have
a view of the sky, however small. So the office
buildings are all long and skinny.
Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
any of its streets.
The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
In certain sections of Pennsylvania many years ago, the Farmer's Anti-
Automobile society set up some "rules of the road."
In effect, they said: 1. "Automobiles travelling on country roads at
night must send up a rocket every mile, then wait ten
minutes for the road to clear." 2. "If a driver sees a team of horses, he
is to pull to one side of the road and cover his
machine with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted to blend into
the scenery." 3. "In the event that a horse refuses
to pass a car on the road, the owner must take his car apart and conceal
the parts in the bushes."
In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
moving automobile.
In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
the supervision of a licensed engineer.
In Calgary, there is a by-law that is still on the books that requires
businesses within the city to provide rails for tieing up
horses.
There is/was a law on the books in Washington state that stated that a
motorcar driven at night must be preceded by
something like 100 yards by a man carrying a lantern...
In England, it is illegal to sell most goods on a Sunday, (this law is
mostly ignored), it is however legal to sell a carrot. It is
also legal to sell it at any price and to give free gifts with it, such
as anything else one might want to buy on a Sunday!
In Bexley, Ohio, Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the
installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.
A Kentucky statute says: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any
highway within this state unless she is escorted by
at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club." Later, an
amendment proposed: "The provisions of this statute
shall not apply to any female weighing less than sixty pounds nor
exceeding 200 pounds; nor shall it apply to female
horses."
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
Boulevard at one time.
In Cupertino, California, it is illegal to count backwards audibly in
hexadecimal.
In Israel, there's no legal way for a man named Cohen to marry a divorced
woman.
In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the
corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person
with whom he is unacquainted."
In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same
time.
In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs,
cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.
In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants
that do not match.
In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to
sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and
chickens.
In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or
other theater and from riding a public streetcar within
four hours of eating garlic.
In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of
strapless gown.
In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and
drink beer from a bucket.
In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless
the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on
the couple's own property.
In Harford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on
your hands.
In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her
husband's permission.
In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story
window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion
to the movies.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while
standing in front of a man's picture. (ed: ???)
In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell
jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a
church service.
In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet
of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in
public (includes legs and face).
In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather
belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2
inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap.
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person shall
be permitted under any pretext whatever, to
come nearer than fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room,
from the opening of the polls until the completion of
the count and the certification of the returns."
It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
Urbana, Illinois.
Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's
tie.
The good burghers of Redwood City have outlawed the frying of gravy.
In Santa Clara, it is forbidden to dedicate parking spaces to the patron
saint of television.
Prostitutes in San Francisco are not obliged to make change for bills
larger than $50.
The city of Mountain View proscribes calling pet fish by "names of
aggressive content, e.g. 'Biter', 'Killer', 'Sugar-Ray'"
Bicycles may not be ridden without "appropriate fashion accessories"
anywhere in Santa Clara County (de facto law).
It is illegal to skateboard on walls "or other vertical surfaces" in Palo
Alto.
Wearing a sweatshirt inside-out is deemed a "threatening misdemeanor" in
Half-Moon Bay.
Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
wear tail lights.
New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in any
way keep time to the music in a tavern,
restaurant, or cafe.
In 1930, the City Council of Ontario (California) passed an ordinance
forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits.
Harthahorne (Oklahoma) City Ordinance, Section 363, states that it shall
be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a
display window.
The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge
in Little Rock.
In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that is
over six feet in length.
In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
the sidewalks when a concert is on.
A D.C. federal judge has ruled that begging is a form of free speech
protected by the Constitution. That means that
mugging is free speech too, only more persuasive.
From an Associated Press news wire: The state of Massachusetts is
drafting regulations prohibiting large-scale bakers to
allow the odor of bread to be released into the atmosphere because it
contains ethanol, which can break down into ozone,
a component of smog. "If people have such a visceral response to this
smell, they can bake their own bread," said the
engineer at the state Department of Environmental Protection who drafted
the regulation.
From an AP bulletin: The New York City Transit Authority has ruled that
women can ride the city subways topless. New
York law dictates that if a man can be somewhere without a shirt, a woman
gets the same right. The decision came after
arrests of women testing the ordinance on the subways. A transit police
spokesman said they would comply with the new
rule, but "if they were violating any other rules, like sitting on a
subway bench topless smoking a cigarette, then we would
take action." Smoking is not allowed in the subways.
But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be
proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once
existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including
confession) upon which certain women were convicted of
witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable.
The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic
and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved
than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for
which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony
and human reason are alike destitute of value. -
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
From the National Review West: Starting January 1 1995, it is illegal in
California to possess bear gall bladders. Also, it is
no longer permissible to trip horses for entertainment.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
VANITY PLATE SUMMARY
6/19/88
10SNE1 ;tennis, anyone?
14U2C ;One for you to see ("Sky-Hi" Toyota 4wd)
1GOTO1 ;Silicon Valley License plate
2DBCH ;To the Beach!
2ED4ED ;Certainly Ed owns the car
2GOOD4U ;on a cheap oldsmobile
2HSPRN ;2 required at bed time?
2QIK4U ;RX-7
3NON ;Read this upside-down
4GETIT ;on a black TA driven by a married lady!!!
4SURE ;fer shure
55N-UP ;55mph and up
6 KIDS ;on a Chevy Suburban in UTAH
9FOFO ;9 four four, on a Porsche 944
A 4X4X8 ;on a Honda
A-SLAAB ;on a Saab
ALICE ;on a white Rabbit
ASLAAB ;on a Saab
AU YLOKS ;(Goldilocks)
BAA BAA ;Baa Baa 'on a ' Black Jeep
BCNU2 ;Be seeing you too
BEACHN ;Beaching!
BESIDES ;Sideline beekeeper
BEYOND ;On a 'blue' plymouth 'HORIZON', Beyond the horizon
BIG BUX ;on a Ferrari 308
BIRDIE ;Driven by good looking lady from New Zealand
BKEEPR ;Bee keeper
BY YALL ;on a Porsche 911
BYE-BYE ;on a Porsche 911 Turbo
BYMYHNY ;Buy my honey, a beekeeper
CAR BUF ;on a car owned by Bill Buff
CLICHE ;on a BMW!
CME4DK ;See me for decay, on a dentist's car.
CRAY Z ;Crazy
CULATR ;See you Later,
DAD IOU ;on a Trans Am
DNTSMKE ;Don't smoke
DUTY ;for a Honda 'Civic Duty'
DUTY ;for an Audi, 'Audi Duty'
DV-DT ;on a Honda Civic Si
E FUDD ;A bugs bunny fan
FIT2SKI ;Fit to ski
FLEWBYU ;flew by you (this was on a Corvette)
FORDBBQ ;on a ford pinto
FRAUD ;on a Porsche 911 "Carerra"
FUNHOG ;seen in Montana
GO4IT ;Go for it!
GONSNO ;on an 85 Jeep CJ-7
GR8LAKE ;Great Lake(s)
GR8SPCL ;Great Specials
GSNDHT ;Gesundheit, on an Isuzu
GUT-SEE ;on a Porsche 911 Turbo
HIHO AG ;hi ho silver!
HITECH ;High Technology
I SK8 ;I skate/ice skate
I12BNZC ;I want to be in the Sea, a diver
I8NY ;stolen from a Gary larson Cartoon
IAML8 ;I am late on a white rabbit
IAMYY4U ;I am too wise for you
IB2BAD ;I Be too bad
IBCNU ;I'll be seeing ya!
ICU812 ;I see you ate one too!
IMA10 ;I'm a 10!
IMATEN ;I'm a 10!
IMB4U ;I'm before you!
IMEZRU ;I'm Easy, Are you
INYORI ;In Your Eye...
IOAA ;(I owe AA)
IONO1 ;I owe no one
IOGMAC ;I owe GMAC seen on a GEO
IX XIV ;on a Porsche 914
IXIVIV ;on a Porsche 944
KPOOM ;on a small car
LEMON ;on a late model Mustang convertible
LUV DAD ;on a convertible 86 Z-28
MAGIC ;on a Corvette
MINE ;on a Lincoln Town car
MY CAR ;at least now we know who owns that car...
MY DEBT ;on a New York car
MYREVNG ;My Revenge (Divorcee)
MYZRATI ;Seen on a Mazerati in San Jose
NICE EH ;on a REALLY beat up car
NOBODY ;on a Rolls Royce
NOBRKS ;no brakes!
NONE ;Funny when this one is on paper
(registration,tickets,etc)
NOPLATE ;Funny when on paper
NOT FAT ;on a RX7 (woman owned)
NOT HOT ;on a Porsche 924
NRVOUS ;on a red porsche 911 (he was driving cautiously)
NTOTO2 ;And toto too
OBJET ;on a Dodge Dart
OHGOOD ;You say this when you are buried in traffic
OK DIE ;on a NH 'Live free or Die' automobile.
OMEGA1 ;on a Jaguar Xj6
PAWSH ;on a Porsche
POORSCH ;on an RX-7 Turbo
RACN ;Racing
RARE ;on a 55 Chevy
REBOS ;(sober, backwards)
REDDVL ;on a 911 turbo
RU4REAL ;Are you for real?
RUAG8D8 ;Are you a great date?
RUBZ ;Are you busy?
RUBZ2NT ;Are you busy tonite?
RUMRS2 ;Are you Mrs 2? (on a Toyota Mr2)
RUNVUS ;Are you envious?
STOP ;Get the message?
STORK1 ;on an Obstetrician's Mercedes
SWTPEA ;on a green Porsche 911
THANXDAD ;well, what can I say?
TIN CAN ;on a Toyota
TOFLY ;on a late model Olds 442
TWEETY ;on a yello 57 Thunderbird
U LOSE ;on a Mustang GT
UCLAFOX ;on a Woman's 280ZX
UNIXINU ;Unix, forwards and backwards
UNV ME ;You envy me
UR2LOW ;on a Jacked up 69 Camaro 4WD + Lift kit
UWANT12 ;You want one too?
VAN GO ;for a vanpool
VANITY ;plain and simple
W8LFTR ;Weightlifter
WAS HIS ;After a divorce, on a jaguar
WHOCARZ ;Who Cares?
WHOOSH ;on a porsche
WHORU ;Who are you?
XXXXXX ;on a Mercedes
XYZZY ;Seen on an Ohio car, the magic word
YOT YM ;My toy, backwards
ZPDUDA ;Zippity doo dah....
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Murphy's Laws Of Combat
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire.
( For this reason aircraft carriers have been called "Bomb
Magnets")
4. There is always a way.
5. The easy way is always mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
( Trivia devotees will recall the sudden disappearance of rank and
distinctive caps on the uniforms worn by Soviet officers in
Afghanistan)
7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. when you're ready for them.
b. when you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to
get out.
( This seems to be the guiding design principle behind the Soviet's
BMP and our Bradley infantry vehicle, both of which nicely package
the
troops in armored boxes for group destruction)
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
21. Friendly fire isn't.
22. If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
23. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never
stay awake when you can sleep.
24. The most dangerous thing in the world is a second lieutenant with a
map
and a compass.
25. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
26. A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four
seconds.
27. Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and
regrouping.
28. If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike.
29. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
30. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the
colonel's HQ.
31. The enemy never takes notice until you make a mistake.
32. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
33. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
34. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are
low
on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
35. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to
be repaired.
36. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
37. Interchangeable parts aren't.
38. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
39. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove ANYTHING.
40. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot
camp)
41. The one item you need is always in short supply.
42. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
43. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the
weapon's operator.
44. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
45. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the
most
important ones are always illegible.
46. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
47. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know
what
they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want.
48. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal
information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
49. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
50. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that
billet is filled by someone else.
51. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to
attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to
attack
that night.
52. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the
Medal Of Honor.
53. A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think
of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and luck enough to survive.
54. Murphy was a grunt.
55. You aren't Superman. (Freshly graduated recruits from Marine boot
camp,
and all fighter pilots, especially, take note)
56. Suppressive fires - won't.
57. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
58. When in doubt empty the magazine.
59. No plan survives the first contact intact.
60. If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.
61. The important things are always simple.
62. The simple things are always hard.
63. No-combat ready group has passed inspection.
Note: No marine unit has ever failed a combat readiness inspection,
which suggests peacetime inspections are readiness as mess hall
food
is cuisine)
64. Beer Math -] 2 beers time 37 men equals 49 cases.
65. Body count math -] 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37
enemies killed in action.
66. Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped
together.
67. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.
(Corollary: Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and
especially during both)
68. Tracers work both ways.
69. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming
friendly fire.
70. If you take more than your share of objectives, you will have more
than your fair share to take.
71. When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they're both
right.
72. The enemy never monitors your radio traffic until you broadcast on an
unsecure channel.
73. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and
grenades
always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your
feet.
74. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
75. Never tell the platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
76. The seriousness of a wound is inversely proportional to the distance
to
the nearest form of cover.
77. Walking point = sniper bait.
78. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of
marching
that day.
79. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is
usually
a stupid solution.
80. Recoiless weapons aren't.
81. Suppressive fire works on everything but the enemy.
82. All or any of the above combined
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Gov. David Paterson of New York, who is legally blind, is denying rumors
of having an affair by saying he's not seeing another woman." -Craig
Ferguson
"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks
right out of the bottle."
- Henny Youngman
"PETA was outside the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show last night
protesting. They want the dogs to stop wearing fur."
-David Letterman
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like
an idiot."
- Steven Wright
"The other day in Turkey, villagers in a small town were shocked when a
sheep gave birth to a calf with a human face. Sounds like there's one guy
in that town who has a lot of explaining to do." -Conan O'Brien
"My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping."
- Rita Rudner
"The next great civilization to arise was Ancient Greece, which came up
with an exciting new governing concept called "democracy," from the Greek
words dem, meaning "everybody gets to vote," and ocracy, meaning "except,
of course women, slaves and poor people." -Dave Barry
"If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled."
- P.G. Wodehouse
"In disturbing medical news, a new study of 1,000 Americans finds that
obesity in the United States has gotten so bad that there actually were,
upon closer scrutiny, only 600 Americans involved in the study." --Dave
Barry
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Things You Wouldn't Know Without Help From the Movies
1. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings -
especially if any of their family or friends has died in
a strange boating accident.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover
in a passing St Patrick's Day parade at any time of the
year.
3. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in
a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait
patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in
a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
predecessor.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of
French bread.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there
is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst
into flames.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect
hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you
in there and you can travel to any other part of the
building without difficulty.
8. All single women have a cat.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German
officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language.
A German accent will do.
10. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak
English to each other.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for
their family every morning, even though the husband and
children never have time to eat them
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his
wounds.
13. During all police investigations, it will be necessary
to visit a strip club at least once.
14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been
suspended from duty.
15. It is always possible to park directly outside the
building you are visiting.
16. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
17. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will
coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the
power and phone lines in the vicinity
18. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to
find him. Just relax and run a bath.
19. Police departments give their officers personality
tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a
partner who is their total opposite.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The detective was leafing through the suspect's crime history
folder. "Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit-
and-run, disorderly conduct, armed Robbery, sexual assault,
rape, manslaughter..."
"Yeah, I know." said the prisoner. "It took me quite a while
to figure out what I was good at."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a
beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer
and came over to harass the kid. "Aren't you a little young
to be drinking, son?" he asked.
"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer.
"I got laid when I was three."
"What? How did that happen?"
"I don't remember. I was drunk."
