THE WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ?
------------------------------------
(Answers at the bottom Hey - NO Cheating)
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2) Ecuador.
3) From sheep and horses.
4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5) Squirrel fur.
6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of
Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8) Distinctively crimson.
9) New Zealand.
10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Performance Reviews - British Officers
The British Military requires annual officer performance
reviews. These are actual excerpts taken from people's
reviews....
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely-won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever
foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning
around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since
then he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port
to
port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to
dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion, this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250
feet.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What if....
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd be
Cat
Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry
Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman
Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married
Jerry
Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg
Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd
be
Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to
marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name,
so
he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard
Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then NathanHale,
she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar,
then
moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu
the
elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of
Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she
would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory
Peck,
divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in
show
business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short,
then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod
understandingly
when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we
don't carry it." The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any
duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The
clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've
never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me
again, I'll nail your feet to the floor!!" The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck feed?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an
embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're
soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've
farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day
for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office:
"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse!
I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell
terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly.
"Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As he cross-examined the coroner, the defense attorney asked, "Before
you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?"
"No," the coroner replied.
"Oh? Did you check for breathing?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate," the attorney asked with a
smirk, "you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had
you?"
"Let me put it this way," the badgered coroner replied. "The man's
brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But," he added, "I guess he
could still be out there practicing law somewhere."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
So the 2.30pm flight from San Jose to Seattle doesn't take off until 5pm.
But that's a different story. The point is it's now 8pm: I'm tired, I'm
irritable, I'm hungry, I'm lazy. So I decide to avail myself of that
characteristically American service industry: The fast-food restaurant.
I arrive at the counter and order a Whopper with cheese combo.
There is an odd pause. A bad sign. Upon further examination, I realize
why: There is no "Whopper with cheese combo" on the menu. There's a
"Whopper combo" and a "Bacon Whopper with cheese combo", but no "Whopper
with cheese combo."
Burger King Droid: You mean a Bacon Whopper with cheese combo?
Me: No, just a regular Whopper with cheese combo.
BKD: You mean a Whopper combo?
Me: No, a Whopper with cheese combo.
The BKD is now very confused. So I decide to change my order to get the
ordeal over with.
Me: Nevermind. I'd like a Whopper combo. ... Number 2 on the menu.
The BKD's demeanor suddenly changes: I'm back on script! Thus relieved,
the BKD then asks the next question on the script, the question that
demonstrates why this story is being retold:
BKD: Would you like cheese on your Whopper?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
****************** Questions ****************
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister,
but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of
games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern
exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are
the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was
an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one
would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half
hour.
How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?
****************** Answers ****************
1. Yes. It falls between the 3rd and the 5th.
2. One
3. All of them (12)
4. The beggar is her sister.
5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
6. 6
7. No - because he is dead.
8. They aren't playing each other.
9. 70
10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
11. 2
12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
13. The match.
14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
15. 1 Hour
16. 9
17. None - Noah took them on the ark.
18. Meat
19. 12
20. Same as it is now.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The following are rumored to be signs seen across the good ole' USA:
At a Sante Fe gas station:
"We sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
In a New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
-- Sisters of Mercy"
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
"38 years on the same spot."
In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
In a Florida maternity word:
"No children allowed."
In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."
In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center."
On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is give the customers the lowest possible prices and
workmanship."
At a number of military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "Ilove you only" Valentine's cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargain for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits. $10. They won't last an hour."
On a shopping mall marquee:
"Archery Tournament--Ears pierced."
Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
In a Maine Restaurant:
"Open 7 days a week and weekends."
On a radiator repair garage:
"Best place to take a leak."
In the vestery of a New England Church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is
extinguished."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
graves."
On a roller coaster:
"Watch your head."
On the grounds of a public school:
"No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee Highway:
"When this sign is underwater this road is impassable."
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot
overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with
the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a
computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped
to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked
up,
cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this
magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then
asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look
like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about
twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rejected state mottos
Alabama....We'll look better if you drive in through Mississippi
Missouri....Loves Company
Minnesota....Land of 10,000 Frozen Carcasses
New Jersey....No slogan. You got a problem wit' dat?
Michigan...Pay your union dues, and nothin' bad will happen to you.
Arizona...Come here to Die
Wisconsin...Try our thick, creamy shakes.
Arkansas...Support Educashen
West Virginia...Giving a new meaning to family values.
Georgia....Confederate money still welcome.
Texas...Se habla Ingles
Ohio...The easy-to-spell state
Delaware...the sensible state
California...Surf's up, dude
Wyoming...always plenty of free parking.
Pennsylvania...Free lube job with every oil change
Nebraska...At least we didn't call it North Kansas.
North Dakota...Tax scam for South Dakota
Hawaii....Everybody gets lai-ed
Illinois...Land of the voting dead.
Mississippi....Literacy ain't everything
Maine...Not many stray dogs
Rhode Island...Visit or we shoot your mom
Nevada...7 to 5 you'll like it here
Massachusetts....just paak the caah
Utah...bring your wives
South Carolina...gateway to North Carolina
Montana...hate or die
New York...almost like visiting America.
Vermont...live free or not
Louisiana...no complicated laws and stuff
Idaho...you want fries with that?
Florida...still plenty of good landing strips
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crossbred Dogs:
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500
SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to
and from class"
>>>>> - George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
>>>>> - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"You guys line up alphabetically by height"
>>>>> - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach >>>>>
"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't
seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't
been through in school."
>>>>> -Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman
because of academic requirements
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to
prison for three years, not Princeton."
>>>>> -Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with
promoter Don King
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@#
clothes."
>>>>>Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he
keeps a color photo of himself above his locker
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
>>>>> -Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during
his visit to Greece
"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see
the game anymore."
>>>>> -Yogi Berra
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
>>>>> -Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."
>>>>> -Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann >>>>>
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records
as dictated by physicians...
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day
it had completely disappeared.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and
then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the
floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get
Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness
of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home
while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought
you would like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I worked in a central reservation office for American. After more than
130,000 conversations-all ending with "Have a nice day and thanks for
calling American Airlines"--I think it's fair to say I'm a survivor.
I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know the
difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military recruits
who didn't trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the woman
who called to get advice on how to handle her teen-age daughter, from
the man who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so he
wouldn't have to pay for seat, from the woman who wanted to know why
she had to change clothes on our flight between Chicago and Washington
(she was told she'd have to make a change between the two cities) and
from the man who asked if I'd like to discuss the existential humanism
that emanates from the soul of Habeeb.
In five years, I've received more than a boot camp education regarding
that astonishing lack of awareness of our American citizenry. This
lack of awareness encompasses every region of the country, ethnic
background and level of education. My battles have included
everything from a man not knowing how to spell the name of the city he
was from, to another not recognizing the name "Iowa" as being a
state, to another who thought he had to apply for a foreign passport
to fly to West Virginia. They are the enemy and they are everywhere.
In the history of the world there has never been as much communication
and new things to learn as today. Yet after asking a woman from New
York what city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked, 'Oh...is it
a big place?"
I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati, a man
in Minneapolis who didn't know there was more than one city in the
South ("wherever the South is"), a woman in Nashville who asked,
"Instead of paying for your ticket, can I just donate that money to
the National Cancer Society?" and a man in Dallas who tried to pay for
his ticket by sticking quarters in the pay phone he was calling from.
I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortly after signing on,
a man asked if we flew to Exit 35 on the New Jersey turnpike. Then a
woman asked if we flew to area code 304. And I knew I had been
shipped off to the front when I was asked, "When an airplane comes in
does that mean it's arriving or departing?"
I remembered the strict training I had just received--six weeks of
regimented classes on airline codes, computer technology and telephone
behavior--and it allowed for no mean of retaliation. "Troops," we
were told, "it's real hell out there and ya got no defense. You're
gonna hear things so silly you can't even make 'em up. You'll try to
explain stuff to your friends that you don't even believe yourself,
and just when you think you've heard it all, someone will ask if they
can get a free round- trip ticket to Europe by reciting 'Mary Had a
Little Lamb'."
Well Sarge was right. It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit
from a woman who wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, N.Y. After assuring
her that there was no such place, she became irate and said it was a
big city with a big airport. I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany
or Syracuse. It wasn't. Then I asked if it was near Buffalo.
"Buffalo!" she said, "I knew it was a big animal!"
Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by a
man who tried to catch our flight to Maconga and we certainly didn't
fly to it. But he insisted we did and to prove it he showed me his
ticket; Macon, Ga.
Now I've done nothing during my confrontations to indicate that I
couldn't understand English. But after quoting the round-trip fare
the passenger just asked for he'll always, always ask:"...Is that
round trip?" I never understood why they always question if what I
just gave them is what they just asked for. Then I realized it was
just part of the hell Sarge told us about.
But I've survived to direct the lost, correct the wrong, comfort the
wary, teach U.S. geography and give tutoring in the spelling and
pronunciation of American cities. I have been told things like, "I
can't go stand-by for your flight because I'm in a wheelchair." I've
been asked such questions as: "I have a connecting flight to
Knoxville. Does that mean the plane sticks to something?" And once a
man wanted to go to Illinois. When I asked what city he wanted to go
to in Illinois, he said, "Cleveland, Ohio."
After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a wise old veteran
of the communications conflict and can anticipate with accuracy what
the next move by "them" will be. Seventy-five percent won't have
anything to write with or on. Half will not have thought about when
they're returning. A third won't know where they're going; 10 percent
won't care where they're going. A few won't care if they get back.
And James will be the first name of half of the men who call.
But even if James doesn't care if he get to the city he never heard
of; even if he thinks he has to change clothes on our plane that may
stick to something; even if he can't spell, pronounce or remember what
city he's returning to he'll get there because I've worked very hard
to make sure he can. Then with a click in the phone he'll become a
part of my past and I'll be hoping the next caller at least knows what
day it is.
