The pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a
limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the
chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur
didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo
and the pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds onto Hwy. 95, and starts accelerating to see what the
limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue
lights of the State Patrol in his mirror.
He pulls over and the trooper come to his window. The trooper, seeing
who it was, says, "just a moment please, I need to call in."
The trooper call in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that
he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and how to handle it.
"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.
"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."
"Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Is it the PRESIDENT??? Replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
Well WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the chief.
"I don't know Sir. " replies the trooper, " but he's got the Pope as
his chauffeur."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You
open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You
open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said,"I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and
everything inside is colour coded"
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless,
spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you
have a few parts left over at the end..."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It was the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he
was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly
congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine
cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led
him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up
the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most
passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured
him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar
bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I
asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw the mailman! Give him a
dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Slogan translations
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations.
It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into
trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands
of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole"
or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then
researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic
equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as
"happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the
Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from
the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good"
came out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got
translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so
refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was
apparently unaware that "nova" means "it won't go." After the company
figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its
Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The
company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male
genitals." Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel,
which means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were
supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."
However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar"
meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It won't leak in your
pocket and make you pregnant."
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the
Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a
tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A
photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over
Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a
chicken aroused."
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as before
finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this
case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on
sales.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into
Schweppes Toilet Water.
Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered
English- speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex
tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company
changed its name.
In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental
breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extol the drink's
eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence the slogan, "Orange juice. It
gets your pecker up."
When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in
Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked."
Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read
as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they
were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is "f,"
which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."
Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product,
only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a
whorehouse.
When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the
same packaging as here in the USA--with the cute baby on the label.
Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on
the label of what is inside since most people can not read.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Free drinks
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The
bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, " You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you
something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, " Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a
hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the
bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board
and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that
before! That hamster is truly good on the piano!" The guy downs the
drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle, or else no drink", says the bartender. The
guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog
on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and
great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar
runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the
stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender
says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for
$300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Nah", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could
buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have
another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's
have
another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go
to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I
graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk
again."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
One Liners
1. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
2. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
3. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
4. He who laughs last thinks slowest!
5. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
6. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
7. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now
8. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies.
9. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
10. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
11. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
12. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
13. I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not
screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
14. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
15. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
16. When there's a will, I want to be in it.
17. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
18. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
20. All generalizations are false, including this one.
21. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
22. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
23. "90% of all statistics are made up"
24. "A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
subject."
25. "Every time I've built character, I've regretted it."
26. "Have you ever dated somebody because you were too lazy to commit
suicide?"
27. "If the shoe fits, buy it." Imelda Marcos
28. "It is not the fall that kills you. it's the sudden stop at the end.
29. "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
30. "Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove
all doubt."
31. .... Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant
32. A Smith & Wesson *ALWAYS* beats 4 Aces.
33. A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
34. A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying
it.
35. A day not wasted is a day wasted!
36. A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
37. A dirty book is rarely dusty.
38. A friend in need is a pest indeed...
39. A friend: someone who likes you even after they know you.
40. A mind is a terrible thing to ugg.. I forgot.
41. A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
42. All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power
44. Alone: In bad company.
45. Always remember no matter where you go, there you are.
46. Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.
47. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
48. Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly.
49. Any fool can criticize, condemn, & complain. And most do.
50. As I said before, I never repeat myself.
51. As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
52. Bigamy : one wife too many. Monogamy : same thing.
53. Borderline psychotic with hermit-like tendencies.
56. Confusion not only reigns, it pours.
57. Constant change is here to stay.
58. Death is life's answer to the question 'Why?'
59. Do steam rollers really roll steam?
60. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the
expected?
61. Don't Take Life Seriously, It Is Not Permanent.
62. Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric
system.
63. Efficiency takes time! Frugality: who can afford it?
64. Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid
65. Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
66. Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
67. Floggings will continue until morale improves.
68. Forgive your enemies...but REMEMBER THEIR NAMES!
69. Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
70. Friendship is one soul in two bodies.
71. Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
73. Grow your own dope... plant a man.
74. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!
75. Gun control is being able to hit your target!
76. Help stamp out mental illness, or I'll kill you!
77. Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
78. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog!
79. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
80. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
81. I Still miss my ex-wife.....BUT, My aim is improving!
82. I bet you I could stop gambling.
83. I can resist anything but temptation.
84. I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.
85. I hate to repeat gossip, so I'll only say this once.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Software Engineers v/s Customers
* A group of software developers and their customers went to a software
trade show by train. Each of the customers bought a train ticket, but
the developers bought only one ticket among them. The customers thought
the software developers must be pretty foolish.
One of the developers said "Here, comes the conductor," and all the
developers piled into the bathroom. The Conductor came aboard, said
"Tickets Please.". The developers pushed the ticket under the door.
The conductor took it, and the developers came out of the bathroom a few
minutes later. Now the customers were the one who felt foolish.
One the way back from trade show, the group of customers thought they
would be smarter this time, so they bought only one ticket for their
whole group. But this time the developers didn't even buy one ticket
and some of the customers snickered at them. After while, the developer
lookout said "Conductor Coming!". All the developers piled into the
bathroom and all the customers in another. Then, before conductor came
on board, one of the developers left the bathroom, knocked on the door
of customer's bathroom and said "Ticket Please!".
(MORAL: Not every solution invented by S/W developers is good for their
customers ;)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Laws of Work
1. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
2. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
3. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
4. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
done and what you're going to do.
5. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.
6. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
7. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a
clipboard.
8. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.
9. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
talking about themselves.
10. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a
damn fool about it.
11. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
12. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
13. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
14. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail
hour.
15. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
16. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she
is supposed to be doing.
17. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.
18. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are
really good, you will get out of it.
19. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your
desk.
20. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.
23. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
24. Following the rules will not get the job done.
25. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
26. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily
by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?
27. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
28. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
everything that goes wrong.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
These actually appeared in various church bulletins.
1. Tuesday, at 4 pm, there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
milk, come early.
2. Thursday at 5 pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the pastor in
his
study.
3. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward
and lay an egg at the alter.
4. On Sunday, a special offering will be taken to defray the expenses of
the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come
forward and get a piece of paper.
5. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
6. A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the church
basement. Music will follow.
7. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of
David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
8. Tonight's sermon: What Is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir
practice.
9. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
10. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
11. Potluck Supper: Prayer and medication to follow.
12. Don't let worry kill you off - Let the church help.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel
after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
************************************************************
A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the
face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans
off each other's head.
************************************************************
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed
its
workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job.
According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory
industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered
minor
injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others
fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head
falling off a
chair while watching the film.
************************************************************
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons,
setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
************************************************************
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the
time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the
bus and
had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
************************************************************
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book
about
Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied,
only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a
worker
confused the copier with the shredder.
************************************************************
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later
accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went
out
for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police
officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the
courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
************************************************************
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the
copy
button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
************************************************************
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand
over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the
police.
They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
************************************************************
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a
steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped
aboard
and brought the vehicle to a stop.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Here's more on why Arkansas is everyone's favorite state. This is
from the Arkansas Democrat Gazett: "Two local men were seriously injured
when their pickup truck left the road and hit a tree near Cotton Plant on
State Highway 38 early Monday morning ... "Thurston Poole, 33, of Des
Arc,
and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition
at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were
returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. [Note to city slickers:
frog-gigging, or frog-sticking, is how, armed with a small pitchfork, you
catch frogs from the bayou bank. Frog legs make a tasty supper.]
"On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights
malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the
older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not
available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit
perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon
inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate and the two
men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.
"After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the
river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in
the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting
the pavement and striking the tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and
abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other
wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.
" 'Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts
off or we might have been dead.' said Wallis. " 'I've been a trooper
for 10 years in this part of the world,' said Deputy Snyder, 'but this
is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how the
accident happened.'
"Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how
many frogs the boys had caught, and did anyone think to get them from
the truck."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A short history of medicine:
I have an earache...
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
1997 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
