Subject: Signs

Outside a jeweller's shop:

EARS PIERCED WHILE YOU WAIT

Outside an electrical store:

WHY GO ELSEWHERE TO BE CHEATED WHEN YOU CAN COME IN HERE!

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN

THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a dress shop window:

DON'T STAND OUTSIDE AND FAINT - COME IN AND HAVE A FIT

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT

BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm:

HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG

20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In the window of a dry cleaner's:

SAME DAY DRY CLEANING - ALL GARMENTS READY IN 48 HOURS

Road sign:

TURN RIGHT FOR THE FAIRY GLEN. BEWARE OF HEAVY LORRIES

At the zoo:

PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ELEPHANTS. IF YOU HAVE ANY PEANUTS OR

BUNS

GIVE THEM TO THE KEEPER ON DUTY.

In an office:

AFTER TEABREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN

ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:

'THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.'

(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAUGHT.

PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a furniture shop:

OUR MOTTO: WE PROMISE YOU THE LOWEST PRICES AND WORKMANSHIP

MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT

BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

In a grocery shop:

TRY OUR LOCAL BUTTER. NOBODY CAN TOUCH IT

In a Chinese restaurant:

IF YOU ARE SATISFACTORY PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS. IF YOU ARE NOT

SATISFACTORY PLEASE TELL THE WAITER

Outside a farm:

CATTLE PLEASE CLOSE GATE

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of

Wales:

THE TWON HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER

BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW

Outside a photographer's studio:

OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Sign on a farm gate:

DOGS FOUND WORRYING WILL BE SHOT

In a restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITING STAFF RUDE SHOULD SEE THE MANAGER

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:

SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a smart shop:

NO CHILDREN ALOUD

Seen outside a travel agency:

WHY DON'T YOU GO AWAY?

Notice in a pet shop:

BIRDS GOING CHEEP!

Outside a disco:

SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

LET US PUT YOU IN THE PICTURE AND FRAME YOU

In an electrical shop:

WHY SMASH YOUR PLATES WASHING UP? LET ONE OF OUR DISHWASHERS DO

IT FOR YOU

Sign at a garden fete:

BABY SHOW. ALL ENTRIES TO BE HANDED IN AT THE GATE

In a cafe window:

WAITRESSES REQUIRED FOR BREAKFAST

Found in a butcher's shop:

THESE SCALES ARE ACURATE NO TWO WEIGHS ABOUT IT

Seen in a shop selling calculators and computers:

YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON US

Notice in restaurant:

OUR CUTLERY IS NOT MEDICINE SO PLEASE DO NOT TAKE IT AFTER MEALS

Seen in an American department store at Christmas:

VISIT SANTA'S GROTTO. NO WAITING - WE'RE THE ONLY STORE IN NEW

YORK WITH THREE SANTAS

Seen at an American undertaker's

OSCAR'S FUNERAL PARLOUR - WHERE YOU'LL ALWAYS FIND A SMILE

Notice in a London park:

NO WALKING, SITTING OR PLAYING ON THE GRASS IN THIS PLEASURE PARK

Seen in a Coventry Factory:

ANY MEMBER OF STAFF WHO NEEDS TO TAKE THE DAY OFF TO GO TO A

FUNERAL MUST WARN THE FOREMAN ON THE MORNING OF THE MATCH

Sign warning of quicksand:

QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.

BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:

DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST

ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO TO THEIR

BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

WE DISPENSE WITH ACCURACY

Spotted in a garden centre:

UP THESE STEPS FOR THE SUNKEN GARDEN

Sign on a newly painted bench:

WET PAINT. WATCH IT OR WEAR IT

Seen in a watch shop:

PLEASE WAIT PATIENTLY TO BE SERVED. I ONLY HAVE TWO HANDS

Notice in the window of a fabric shop:

REPAIRS AND ALTERATIONS DONE HERE. DYING ARRANGED

Road sign:

STEEPLE BUMSTEAD: LEFT 3 MILES

RIGHT 3 MILES

STRAIGHT AHEAD 3 MILES

Sign outside pet shop:

NO DOGS ALLOWED

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:

ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE

DISPOSED OF

Spotted in a Blackpool guest house:

HOT AND COLD RUNNING IN ALL ROOMS

Notice in Keighley restaurant:

FROM MONDAY OUR CATERING ASSISTANTS WILL BE PLEASED TO SERVE

CUSTOMERS TO THE VEGETABLES

Seen outside a fire station:

FIRE STATION - NO SMOKING

Notice on Norfolk village shop:

HALF-DAY CLOSING ALL DAY WEDNESDAY

OPEN 24 HOURS - EXCEPT 2 A.M. - 8 A.M.

Seen outside dancing academy:

PLEASE MIND THE STEPS

Sign on motorway garage:

PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE

WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Circus poster:

BIFFO BROTHERS' CIRCUS, FEATURING MARVO, THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE

WORLD. IN TOWN ALL WEAK

Sign outside a church in Hemel Hempstead:

THE LAST WORLD WAR. WHERE AND WHEN WILL IT BE FOUGHT? ST.

MARGARET'S, HARTFORD STREET ON TUESDAY 22ND FEBRUARY AT 7:00 P.M.

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY

CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

TODAY'S SPECIAL. POT OF TEA WITH STONES AND JAM, L1

Spotted in a golf club:

GOLFERS PLEASE DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE

Seen in a college:

THIS WEEK'S LECTURE: UNDERWATER LIFE BY PETER FISH

Notice in hairdresser's window:

STYLIST WANTED. GOOD PAY AND FRINGE BENEFITS

Notice in a field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE

BULL CHARGES

Sign at the tennis club:

WOULD SPECTATORS PLEASE BE QUIET BURING MATCHES AND LET THE

PLAYERS RAISE A RACQUET

Spotted at the railway station:

PASSENGERS ARE ASKED NOT TO CROSS THE LINES - IT TAKES AGES FOR US

TO UNCROSS THEM AGAIN

Notice at the zoo:

CHILDREN FOUND STRAYING WILL BE SENT TO THE LION ENCLOSURE

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL

DOESN'T WORK)

LIFT OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE ELEVATOR

Traffic sign:

PARKING RESTRICTED TO 60 MINUTES IN ANY HOUR

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:

BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST

LEFT

Notice in church hall:

ELECTRICAL SPECIALIST WILL BE HERE ON THURSDAY MORNING TO SHOW

PARISHIONERS HOW TO WIRE PLUGS AND MAKE SMALL REPIARS. FOLLOWED BY A

LIGHT

LUNCH

Sign spoted in farmyard:

MANURE FOR SALE. BRING YOUR OWN BUCKET

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

SPORTS JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT NO TROUSERS

DO YOU WISH TO CHANGE IN ZURICH? DO SO AT THE HOTEL BANK!

DO NOT ADJUST YOR LIGHT HANGER. IF YOU WISH MORE LIGHT SEE MANAGER

IN CASE OF FIRE PLEASE DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HALL PORTER

IN THE EVENT OF FIRE THE VISITOR, AVOIDING PANIC, IS TO WALK DOWN

THE CORRIDOR TO WARN THE CHAMBERMAID

Sign outside a French cafe:

PERSONS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO OCCUPY SEATS IN THIS CAFE WITHOUT

CONSUMING

IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE, PLEASE OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT, `ROOM

SERVICE!'.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Computers in the movies

(From Computerworld, which got it from the Internet [original author

unknown])

Word Processors never display a cursor. You never have to use a space bar

when typing long sentences. All monitors display inch-high characters.

Government computers have either easy-to-understand graphical interfaces

or incredibly powerful text shells that correctly understand and execute

commands typed in plain English.

You can get all the information you want by typing "access all of the

secret files" on any keyboard. Likewise, you can infect any computer by

typing "upload virus".

All computers are connected. You can access information on the villain's

desktop computer even if it's turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes.

Really advanced systems also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

All computers have thousands of volts and flash pots just beneath the

surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a

shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces the user backward.

Users typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

Screens are so bright they project themselves onto the user's face.

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before

intermission, and guess the password in two tries.

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data are accomplished

in less than three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at the rate of

2Gbit per second.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it's readable by any system

it's put into.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

LICENSE TO STEAL

Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine

by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their

pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the

machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They

panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the

machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their

license plate still attached to the bumper.

IN THE BAG

A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at

the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs

official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a

handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to

demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial

amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV

Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged

gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old

woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced

to four years in jail.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600

in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For

payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his

prison term back, plus eight more years.

YOU MEAN ME?

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously

waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When

his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

DEADHEADS

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for

driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four

frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be

counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to

qualify.

THIS WOULD BE ME

The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook.

The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called,

"Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the

courtroom.

LEARN YOUR LESSON

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a

traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge

rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a

schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with

delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not

pass through a red light' five hundred times."

AHH, THAT'S BETTER!

A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too

far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who

was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge

reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this

creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the

window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not

himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole

individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put,"

the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the

defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany

it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his

lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it

on the bench, and walked out.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Strange Sex Laws (may be offensive to offenders)

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting

or fishing on your wedding day.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,

onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his

wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed

to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you --

or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between

members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown

-- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from

the law!)

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have

twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart

when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to

make love on the floor between the beds!

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide

each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if

they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have

sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton

nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from

having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called

master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset.

(There was a civil service job -- for men only -- called a corset

inspector.)

However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing

corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous,

unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal,

red-blooded American male."

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police

officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any

suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up

from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two

minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a

table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two

ounces of clothing.

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their

lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while

they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a

parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car

or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you

can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Women aren't allowed to wear patent leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio

-- a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within

the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged

with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the

local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Today's headlines

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

"Crack Found on Governor's Daughter"

"Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash"

"Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"

"Iraqi Head Seeks Arms"

"Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?"

"Prostitutes Appeal to Pope"

"Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over"

"Teacher Strikes Idle Kids"

"Miners Refuse to Work after Death"

"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"

"War Dims Hope for Peace"

"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile"

"Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"

"Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide"

"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"

"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"

"Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge"

"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group"

"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft"

"Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy"

"Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half"

"Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Todays Top Stories, part 2

A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river

near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out

and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.

Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers

of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a

low-level bridge -- killing him.

Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so

afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure

his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to

fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in

heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car

at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact

their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together.

Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars

weren't scratched.

George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly

escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one

wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to

search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing

him.

Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat

in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to

kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after

about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It

went off and killed his wife.

In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her

coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she

suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back

down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend was hurt

so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed

him to death.

Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out

the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found

himself in the city prison.

In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the

busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over

its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road,

another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on.

As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a

delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured

bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth

vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was

hit, Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a

fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries.

Hospital officials said he would recover.

While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti

came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down.

While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the

farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and

cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a

sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse

startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with,

Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the

horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the

motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement,

backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports car. At this,

the sports car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The

farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did

so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report,

the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.

In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged

eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years

in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when

one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting

for a train.

Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging

by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate

harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came

home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came

over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the

opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms

laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the

backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart

attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his

wife were reconciled.

An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express

was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had

left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was

removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it

was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on

the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into

the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open

and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward

the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, coming to read the

meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas

man blinked, excused himself and departed.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Today's headlines, part 2 - Earnest Gets Infected

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link

Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995

Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us

Holland Sentinel, date unknown.

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut

The New York Times, November 22

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find

The Los Angeles Times, November 2

'Light' Meals are Lower in Fat, Calories

Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30

Alcohol Ads Promote Drinking

The Hartford Courant, November 18

Malls Try to Attract Shoppers

The Baltimore Sun, October 22

Official: Only Rain Will Cure Drought

The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

Teenage Girls Often Have Babies Fathered by Men

The Sunday Oregonian, September 24

Low Wages Said Key to Poverty

Newsday, July 11

Man Shoots Neighbor With Machete

The Miami Herald, July 3

Tomatoes Come in Big, Little, Medium Sizes

The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows

The New York Times, March 10

Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies

The Los Angeles Times, March 2

Scientists See Quakes in L.A. Future

The Oregonian, January 28

Wachtler Tells Graduates That Life in Jail is Demeaning

The Buffalo News, February 26

Free Advice: Bundle Up When Out in the Cold

Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26

Prosecution Paints O.J. as a Wife-Killer

Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25

Economist Uses Theory to Explain Economy

Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8

Bible Church's Focus is the Bible

Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994

Clinton Pledges Restraint in Use of Nuclear Weapons

Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6

Discoveries: Older Blacks Have Edge in Longevity

The Chicago Tribune, March 5

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear

Journal of Commerce, April 20

Biting Nails Can Be Sign of Tenseness in a Person

The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2

Lack of Brains Hinders Research

The Columbus Dispatch, April 16

Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism

"Accusing some of her male colleagues of sexism, Los

Angeles Councilwoman Laura Chick lashed out at City Hall on Thursday

as [sic] the 'most sexist good-old-boys work environment that I've

ever been in.' ..."

The Los Angeles Times, June 23

How We Feel About Ourselves is the Core of Self-Esteem, Says Author

Louise Hart

Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5

Fish Lurk in Streams

Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29

And more headlines from elsewhere (sorry no sources):

Clinton Renames Greenspan

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse To Work After Death

Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found By Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years At Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A while

Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Interesting Stuff (Not necessarily humourous, but kinda neat!)

* Coca-cola was originally green.

* Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treas.

* Smartest dogs: 1)border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever

* Dumbest: afghan

* Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

* Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

* Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where he/she grew up:

1 in 2

* Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from

each salad served in first class: $40,000

* City with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong

* State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

* Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4

* Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12

* Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28

* Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38

* Estimated percentage of American adults who go on a diet each year: 44

* Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33

* Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36

* Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43

* City with the highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Wash.,

DC.

* Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if

they had it to do all over again: 80

* Percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50

* Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or

separation: 58

* Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85

* Number of different familial relationships for which Hallmark makes

cards:105

* Cost of raising a medium-sized dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

* Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

* Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70

* Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

* Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3

* Portion of potatoes sold that are French-fried: 1/3

* Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonalds each day: 7

* Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90

* Percentage of mammal species that are: 3

* Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools

are above national average: 50

* Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5

* Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7

* Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3

* Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanan

* Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt

* Only president to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy, for _Profiles in

Courage_

* Only president awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying

vessels over shoals

* Only food that does not spoil: honey

* Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce

Brothers (subject is boxing)

* Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird

* Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica

* Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: Pig

* Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.

* An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.

* In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.

* Polar bears are left-handed.

* Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

* Eskimos never gamble.

* The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

* The youngest pope was 11 years old.

* Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.

* Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.

* Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.

* Your nose and ears never stop growing.

* Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets combined.

* Hot water is heavier than cold.

* The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.

* They have square watermelons in Japan...they stack better.

* Starfish have eight eyes--one at the end of each leg.

* Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

* First novel ever written on a typewriter was _Tom Sawyer_.

* There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the

year.

* Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.

* It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

* Men get hiccups more often than woman.

* Armadillos can be housebroken.