My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and
looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables
are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that
A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said,
"Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic
The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft for
the rest of the night."
There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few
days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her
vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The
nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus
to bring the woman out of her coma.
She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he
agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the
room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door.
Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that
all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a
doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not
worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought
to save, asked the man what had happened.
"I'm not sure," said the husband, "but I think she choked!"
A guest on Groucho Marx's "You Bet Your Life" television show was a woman
who had given birth to twenty-two children. "I love my husband," the
woman explained sheepishly.
"I love my cigar too," Groucho said, "but I take it out once in a while."
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The
teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl.
"My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before
she could say 'Fuck!' the Rottweiler ate her!"
A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should have dinner.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen
restaurant because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses.
Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is
very good and the wine selection is good also.
Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat
there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is
wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never
been there before.
This girl I met last week says she wants a guy who is "funny and
But when I tapped on her kitchen window late at night dressed up as a
clown it's all panic and screaming.
It is only when you notice a mosquito has landed on your testicles that
you realize there is always some way to solve a problem without using
5 Kinds of Sex
1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you
both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage;
you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have
kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass
each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get
divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a
young female, and drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've
seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any
way I can."
"Well," I said, "I think my dick tastes funny..."
One day Steve's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a
bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting to her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home.
When Steve's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine
to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in your son's closet."
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
After an uncomfortable minute of silence she finally asked him, "Well,
what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I DON'T think you should spank him."
My wife asked me to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman' the
other day.
She hit me when I came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'.
A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there
were fortunes in Race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in
the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he
ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he
might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the
donkey came in third.
The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines, "Preacher's Ass
The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
races again and this time he won! The papers said, "Preacher's Ass out in
Front" The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The newspaper printed this headline, "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass".
This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get
rid of the animal.
The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The
headlines the next day read, "Nun has the Best Ass in Town"
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she
finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00.
The paper states, "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks"
They buried the Bishop the next day.
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality
from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the
kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a
big sigh and says, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she
turned to him and said calmly, "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you put
other men's penises in your mouth?"
Nervously, the guy said, "Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so."
His mother went back to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirled around
and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, "Don't you EVER
complain about my cooking again!"
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. Fighting; 2. Fleeing; 3.
Feeding; and 4. Mating.
--Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
A woman goes into the small-town hardware store and tells the owner she
needs a drawer pull handle to replace a broken one.
He gets out one that matches her description and asks her, "You wanna
screw for that?"
She thinks a minute, glances around, and replies, "No, but I'll blow ya
for that toaster over there."
With all of the products advertised for feminine hygiene, I recently saw
an ad for a male hygiene deodorant spray that is being brought to market.
The name of the product is 'Umpire.' It's for foul balls.
There was a teenage boy who worked in the produce section of the local
market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy
said he would go ask his manager about the matter. So he walked into the
back and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half
a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to
find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this here
gentleman wants to buy the other half..."
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in
a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around
here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Canada, Sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just up-tight, homely women and hockey
players up there."
"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get
the nerve up to jump. A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about
to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said, "Hell no! Get away from me you sicko!"
The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the
A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital
He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to put it in your ass but no, you
thought that might hurt!"
With all this talk of adding Puerto Rico as the 51st state, I feel like
our new goal number should be 53 states. A prime number. "One nation,
A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.
"Yes, darling?"
"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a
condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have
eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."
"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly. "It's just
that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would
make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be
protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my peace
of mind?"
"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented. "I'll do it for you.
But for safety's sake, better give me a couple."
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who
had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well,
we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end
the discussion.
With a flourish of finality, the Greek says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who
introduced it to women!"
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in
the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a striptease in front of an old John
Deere tractor.
Butt clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off the
right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls
fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his
stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt
from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya
doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble
lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do
something sexy to a tractor."
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when
they noticed a whaling ship. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim
under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it
should cause the ship to turn over and sink.
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and
were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were
going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble
them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow
him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
refuse to swallow the seamen."
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog Skipper had recently
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven
right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
An executive was interviewing a young woman for a position in his
company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he
asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead,
who would it be?"
The girl responded confidently, "The living one!"
A man once spent days looking for his new hat.
Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back.
During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the
front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about
the 10 commandments.
He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited
until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But
after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach
'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?"
The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to
preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat!"
A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob.
I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping
your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.
I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live
with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my
promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant
"WIFI", not "wife".
A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it
with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and
rushed out of the bar.
The bartender picked up the five-dollar bill, folded it carefully and
tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the
boss standing in the doorway staring at him.
Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow
just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar
tip, and rushed out without paying."
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her
mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It
reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No, Salty."
Mom Fainted.
A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey when he walked up to
one man's door, "Excuse me, Sir, how many times a week do you sleep with
your wife?"
"Three times," the man said without hesitation.
"Hmm, that is once more often than your neighbor," the survey taker said,
making a note.
"That makes sense," the man replied, "after all, she is MY wife."
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while
sitting at a bar.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all
the time. I just don't know what to do."
A senior fellow about my age sitting a couple of stools down had also
over-heard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with
the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit!"
Bob a young journalism graduate from Tennessee had gone to work for the
New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest
story. An idea came to Bob and he returned to one of the most remote
areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas. Deep in the woods, Bob
came upon a farmer's house and decided this would be a good place to
start. He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why
he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Dick) agreed to answer his
questions. Bob asked Farmer Dick what event in his life had made him the
happiest? Farmer Dick replied, "One time a neighbor lost one of his
sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all had sex with it,
we took it back to the farmer that lost it."
"I can't print that," said Bob, the reporter. "Is there another event
that made you really happy?"
Farmer Dick thought for a minute and said, "Yep. One time the daughter of
another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin' young girl. We all
formed a posse and found her. After all of us had sex with her, we took
her back to her daddy."
Again Bob knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a
different tack. He asked Farmer Dick, "Is there any event in your life
that has made you really sad?"
Farmer Dick hung his head and replied, "Well, I got lost once."
Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine;
Tropisms make the ivy twine;
Rayleigh scattering makes skies so blue;
Testicular hormones is why I love you.
Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."
On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jew who was now a very
militant atheist. But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite
its denominational roots, it's a great school, and completely secular.
After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad, do
you know what Trinity means? It means the Father, the Son, and the Holy
The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the
shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now and I
want you never to forget it. There is only one God... and we don't
believe in him!"
When I checked into my motel, I asked the lady at the desk: "I hope the
porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
Anyone who's ever been to a "teaching hospital" knows to expect a group
of students to descend upon them at any time. At one such hospital, in
the recovery room, a bunch of students gathered around a beautiful blonde
who, even in a gown, was obviously very well endowed.
Recovery is an excellent place for student doctors to become familiar
with variations in heartbeats while the body comes back to normal from
the operation and the anesthesia.
The first student approached the patient calmly and proceeded to listen
intently to her heartbeat through the stethoscope.
The group was silent as he did so. The woman hesitated, then looked
sympathetically into the eyes of the doctor-to-be. Reaching up, she
gently placed the earpieces into his ears.
The best illustration of the value of brief speech was given by Mark
His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher
telling of the heathen, he wept, and was goingto contribute fifty
dollars... after ten minutes more of the sermon, he reduced the amount of
his prospective contribution to twenty-five dollars...after a half hour
more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars.
At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed, he stole two
I was walking up to my apartment building today and saw my Afghani
neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
My brother-in-law and I were fishing, not having any luck when he told me
to row faster. I rowed and rowed when all of a sudden both oars snapped
right in half.
Stranded my brother-in-law said, "What now dipshit?"
"Don't worry. Somebody is going to come by." I answered.
Just then around a corner came an Englishman and two ladies with
parasols. I yelled out, "Could I borrow one of your oars?"
The Englishmen said, "Them's not oars! One's me wife and the other's me
A Texan man whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a
diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The
stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend
if she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a
fee she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.
A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of
Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's loupe,
examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.
"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the next table. "These
Texas women are tough!"
A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat,
the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.
He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father,
"How do fish breathe underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my
asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn
Jim's doctor tells him he has only one day to live. When Jim goes home to
share the bad news with his wife, she asks what he wants to do with the
little bit of time he has left.
"All I want," Jim tells his beloved wife, "is to spend my last few hours
reliving our honeymoon." Which is exactly what they did.
But after hours of blissful romance, she announces that she's tired and
wants to go to sleep.
"Oh, come on," Jim whispers in her ear.
"Look," his wife snaps, "I've got to get up in the morning. You don't!"
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be
yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your
food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to
realize that you had set it either married it or gave birth
to it.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of
the family , so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later
that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the key-hole and sees his father in bed with the
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit.
A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free
professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little
boy on his third birthday?" she asked.
"First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.
The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted and
exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination,
expresses himself very well..."
"Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It's YOUR child!"
A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he
came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a
large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.
As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the
elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man
and stared at him intently. For a long minute the man stood frozen -
thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant
trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that
day. One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they
approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked
over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man
couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
After a while it trumpeted loudly, then it continued to stare at him. The
man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way
into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in
Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing,
killing him.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values.
Bill said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Larry replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at
"Me neither doc," said the husband, "but she's a great cook and really
Good with the kids."