Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In
court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," said the
lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened.
I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the
question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign
and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole
Bessie moaning and groaning. knew she was in terrible shape just by her
groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the
scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After
he looked at her then he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and
looked at me.
He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are
you feeling?' "
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor.
He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to
him after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he
returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
"Two Hundred dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with
you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors.
Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"
"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new
country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The
next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up
and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard,
r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman,
obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run
ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at
three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up
yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans
giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his
embarassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and
screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious
telephone problem. But unlike most people she did
something about it.
The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel
opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone
number as Leola.
From the moment the motel opened, Leola was
besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone
number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade
the motel management to change its number.
Naturally, the management refused claiming that it
could not change its stationery.
The phone company was not helpful, either. A number
was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone
else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After
her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into
her own hands.
At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis
was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following
Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?"
A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary
wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened,
Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available
for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and
asked
if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola
said. "We trust you."
The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning,
she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for
Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd
Airborne veterans from World War II.
She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she
could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came
in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her
daughter's wedding in June.
Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if
she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take
care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle
the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.
Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet
parking, but we always recomend that the client tips the drivers."
Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.
People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet
Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that
the
motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from
Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."
Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone
number."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
THE BEST OF CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT
ANSWER: Nestea Plunge.
QUESTION: What does the president of Nestea use when his toilet is
stopped up?
A: Peter Pan.
Q: What do you use to fry a peter?
A: Mount Baldy.
Q: How do you play piggyback with Telly Savales?
A: The ZIP Code.
Q: What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom?
A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?
A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
Q: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.
A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.
A: "Coming home."
Q: If voters have their way, what message will Jimmy Carter be
sending Georgia soon?
A: An unmarried woman.
Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?
A: Cyclone.
Q: What do call the clone of a guy named Cy?
A: "Hi diddly dee."
Q: How do you say "Good morning" to your diddly dee?
A: Henry R. Block.
Q: Name one guy who's rich after April 15th.
A: Rosy red cheeks.
Q: What do you get when you squat on a rosy red fire?
A: The Orient express.
Q: What is a drink made with soy sauce and prune juice?
A: Bible belt.
Q: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants?
A: Tail of Two Cities.
Q: What do you call a guy who streaks Minneapolis and St. Paul?
A: Gatorade.
Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?
A: Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
Q: What's the best thing to do if you swallow a hand grenade?
A: Until he gets caught.
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?
A: Old wive's tale.
Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest?
A: Kumquat.
Q: What do you say when calling your quat?
A: De-frost.
Q: On a cold morning, what forms on de-grass?
A: Head and shoulders.
Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?
A: High rollers.
Q: Describe a stoned bowling team.
A: Gunga din.
Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?
A: A full moon
Q: What would you see if Orson Welles dropped his pants?
A: Crabgrass.
Q: What do crabs get high on?
A: "Follow the yellow brick road."
Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office?
A: At both ends.
Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?
A: Igloo.
Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?
A: 20,000 Leagues Beneath the Sea.
Q: Where is the American dollar headed?
A: Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.
Q: What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?
A: Fondue.
Q: What do you get on your fon if you leave it out all night?
A: Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious and detente.
Q: Name two words that have no meaning.
A: Executive action.
Q: What does a president look for in a singles bar?
A: The Laughing Policeman.
Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?
A: Dustin Hoffman.
Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.
A: Eleven.
Q: What is the total of Bo Derek and Phyllis Diller?
A: Trapper John.
Q: What do you call an outhouse built on quicksand?
A: Mr. Coffee.
Q: Name the father of Mrs. Olsen's illegitamate baby.
A: Superbowl.
Q: What would you find in Superman's bathroom?
A: Plumber's helper.
Q: What do you need after Hamburger Helper?
A: Milk and honey.
Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?
A: Supervisor.
Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?
A: Lo-fat.
Q: Name a Chinese diet doctor.
A: Rub-a-dub-dub.
Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?
A: Black feet.
Q: What have the oil companies given our wildlife?
A: Zippo Marx.
Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo?
A: Touchback.
Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?
A: O'Hare.
Q: How does Howard Cosell call his toupee? "Oh, hair..."
A: Over 15 billion served.
Q: What will be written on the Happy Hooker's tombstone?
A: Kitchy-kitchy-koo.
Q: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy-Kitchy?
A: Flyswatter.
Q: What do you call a sadistic tailor?
A: Lorne Green.
Q: What happens when your lorne rots?
A: Ironware.
Q: Describe Raymond Burr's undershorts.
A: Hickory Dickory Dock.
Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?
A: The big ten.
Q: Describe the five finalists in the Miss Universe contest.
A: Disjoint.
Q: What was dat hippie smoking?
A: "Rose Bowl."
Q: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley?
A: Sanford and Son and Ed McMahon.
Q: Name three people who sell a lot of junk.
A: David Frost.
Q: On a cold morning what forms on your david?
A: That darn cat.
Q: Who ruined that darn rug?
A: SAG Strike.
Q: What do you call it when old topless dancers refuse to work?
A: A man with a mistress and a Russian Olympics judge.
Q: Describe two people who like to cheat.
A: Damnation Alley.
Q: What do they call the entrance to "The Gong Show"?
A: All the President's men.
Q: Who won't be let out to see the picture?
A: Madame Kitty.
Q: Where does Morris the Cat go when he's lonely?
A: Mop and Glow.
Q: Which floor wax was used by the Three Mile Island cleanup team?
A: Bi-focal.
Q: Name a focal that goes both ways.
A: Skalliwags.
Q: What does your skalli do when it's happy?
A: The American people.
Q: Name the loser in the 1976 presidential race.
A: "I never promised you a rose garden."
Q: What's the only thing President Carter didn't promise us?
A: Quarter Pounder.
Q: What did Jimmy Carter's mother call his first baby tooth?
A: "Sorry bub, no pub."
Q: What does President Carter say to Billy on Air Force One?
A: Grape Nuts.
Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?
A: The American condor, the American eagle and the American car
industry.
Q: Name three things on the endangered species list.
A: Snap, crackle, pop.
Q: What noise does Mr. McMahon's liver make?
A: Shake-N-Bake.
Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering
Inferno.
A: A mule, a horse, Billy Carter.
Q: Name three things that go to the bathroom outdoors.
A: Hog jowls, chitlins, black-eyed peas, cornpone, hush puppies and
red-eye gravy.
Q: What does Billy Carter eat on a sesame-seed bun?
A: Shareholder.
Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?
A: "Gung Ho!"
Q: What do you say when you want to get your Gung to stop?
A: Timbuktoo.
Q: What comes after Timbuk-one?
A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
Q: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"?
A: Jello and "Charlie's Angels."
Q: What looks delicious, quivers all over and can't talk?
A: Los Angeles Dodgers.
Q: Who was just arrested for impersonating a baseball team?
A: "The Dumplings."
Q: What do you call tiny little dumps?
A: Double hernia.
Q: What do you see if you hold your hernia up to a mirror?
A: Blazing Saddles.
Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?
A: Evon Guligan.
Q: Describe the sound you make when you break loose from a plunger.
A: Sueeee, sueeee.
Q: What do you do if a Chinese laundry ruins your shirts?
A: The Rock of Gibralter.
Q: What's the one thing Sammy Davis is not wearing around his neck?
A: Baja.
Q: What noise do sheep make when they laugh?
A: KKK, IRS, UCLA.
Q: How do you spell kkkirsucla?
A: Rough cut.
Q: When you do get from a near-sighted rabbi?
A: Ninety-nine and nine-tenths.
Q: What price will gas be if it's under a dollar?
A: Once is not enough.
Q: What's the major cause of divorce?
A: The Loch Ness Monster.
Q: Who will they find sooner than Jimmy Hoffa?
A: Beethoven's Fifth.
Q: What made Ludwig blind as well as deaf?
A. Whacka-doo, whacka-doo, whacka-doo.
Q. What do you look for when you're tracking three whackas?
A: Around the world in 80 days.
Q: Where does the line go outside an unemployment office?
A: E.S.T., P.M. and B.M.
Q: Name three movements
A: "Leave it to Beaver."
Q: What did the dead raccoon say in his will?
A: Keep your eyes on your prize.
Q: What's good advice to give a Japanese tailor?
A: The diamond lane.
Q: What does Zsa Zsa Gabor call the center of a church?
A: Jaques Cousteau.
Q: Who's the new traffic advisor to Los Angeles?
A: A nine foot base with two feet of powder.
Q: Describe Mick Jagger's nose.
A: 13 Queens Boulevard.
Q: Name an address Anita Bryant will never have.
A: WKRP In Cincinnati.
Q: Where will the president of NBC be working soon?
A: 60 Minutes.
Q: How much time has Governor Brown spent in California this year?
A: The eye of a frog, the wing of a fly and the throat of a lizard.
Q: Name the only three things you can afford to eat nowadays.
A: Fun with Dick and Jane.
Q: What do you see in the next car at a drive-in movie?
A: Roots.
Q: What is it that Ronald Reagan keeps trying to hide?
A: Kris Kristofferson
Q: Name a Kristofferson.
A: "The Front."
Q: What does it say on the side of Phyllis Diller's dress?
A: Sex.
Q: What would you keep if you had to choose between sex and
violence?
A: The Sugarland Express.
Q: What do you call Hershey's Prune Kisses?
A: The Newlywed Game.
Q: Where won't you see Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor?
A: Putting on the dog.
Q: What do you call dressing up as a tree?
A: Stick 'em up!
Q: What should the oil companies' new slogan be?
A: Pot luck.
Q: What do you call not getting busted?
A: Burn the candle at both ends.
Q: What does a stupid altar boy do?
A: "Yes man."
Q: What should you answer to everything George Foreman says?
A: Touch and Go.
Q: What's the name of a drive-in massage parlor?
A: 2001.
Q: How many hospitals has Evil Knievel been in?
A: Rocky, Network and The Silver Streak.
Q: Name two movies and a suppository.
A: Fort Knox.
Q: Where do supermarkets store their meat?
A: Shake and bake.
Q: What does the Galloping Gourmet do during an earthquake?
A: General Curtis LeMay, the Red Baron and Carnac.
Q: Name three people who like to bomb.
A: 2001.
Q: When is the next RTD bus scheduled to arrive?
A: "Small craft warning!"
Q: What does the Tidy Bowl man yell when he hears flushing?
A: Fists of fury and five fingers of death.
Q: What will you get if you ignore a trucker's blockade?
A: Sale of the Century.
Q: Describe the Nixon income tax deductions.
A: Chariots of the Gods.
Q: What are the only things that can move on Sundays?
A: Kaiser wrap.
Q: What do you call getting slapped around by a German king?
A: Ultra-conservative.
Q: What's an Orange County toothpaste?
A: Roman Gabriel, Lance Ramsell and Howrd Cosell
Q: Name two rams and a goat.
A: Bedbug.
Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?
A: Lady-in-waiting.
Q: Describe Mrs. Stillman on a bus that doesn't make rest stops.
A: Unleash.
Q: What do you call a drink made with un-cola and prune juice?
A: Natural gas.
Q: What did Yul Givens give after eating a prune tree?
A: Kaleidoscope.
Q: What instrument does a doctor use to examine your kaleido?
A: Ransack.
Q: What's a drink made with dry sack and prune juice?
A: A thousand clowns.
Q: Who are the candidates for mayor of Los Angeles?
A: Last Tango in Paris.
Q: What do you call a French drink made with champagne and prune
juice?
A: Pussy Willow.
Q: How do you introduce your cat to a weeping willow?
A: Jaws 2 and Capricorn One.
Q: What was the final score of the Jaws-Capricorn game?
A: Buddy Holly.
Q: What kind of holly would you find growing on your buddy?
A: England, France and Greece.
Q: Name two countries and a luncheon special at the NBC Commissary.
A: Earth, Wind and Fire.
Q: What do you get from eating in the NBC Commissary?
A: You asked for it.
Q: How do you get it?
A: Cheetah, Leon Spinks and the American taxpayer.
Q: Name a chimp, a champ and a chump.
A: Pat and Debby Boone.
Q: Name the only two people who aren't sick of hearing "You Light Up
My Life."
A: Children under 16 not admitted unless accompanied by parents.
Q: What sign did Queen Elizabeth hang on Princess Margaret's door?
A: Pillbury cooking contest, a spasm of the diaphragm and the
memoirs of Richard Nixon.
Q: Name a bake-off, a hiccough and a ripoff.
A: A broken water pipe, Telly Savalas and Chuck Barris.
Q: Name a leak, a Greek and a freak.
A: 50 miles per hour.
Q: What should be posted on Howard Cosell's tongue?
A: 2001.
Q: How many football games were televised over Thanksgiving?
A: Never on Sunday.
Q: When should you plan on making a rest stop at a gas station?
A: The 11th Hour.
Q: When will you get to work going 55 miles an hour?
A: Rat pack.
Q: What do you call an agreement with Don Rickles?
A: The four musketeers.
Q: How would a wino see the three musketeers.
A: Fit to be tied.
Q: What is a mother of 27 children?
A: Revenge of the Pink Panther.
Q: How did Marlon Perkins explain the rash on his thigh?
A: Double trouble.
Q: What's the name of a drink made with beer and prune juice?
A: Sir Lawrence Olivier, the Oscars and the oil shortage.
Q: Name a lord, an award and a fraud.
A: Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates' campaign promises.
Q: Name a clock, a jock and a crock.
A: Bambi, the White House grounds and the new TV season.
Q: Name a fawn, a lawn and a yawn.
A: A potato, Burt Reynolds and Sgt. Shriver.
Q: Name a spud, a stud and a dud.
A: Elmer, Roger and Billy Carter.
Q: Name a Fudd, a Mudd and a dud.
A: An emerald, a screwdriver, and Chuck Barris.
Q: Name a jewel, a tool and a fool.
A: Planter's Punch.
Q: What do you call getting hit with a fistfull of peanuts
A: Groundhog.
Q: What's in Jimmy Dean's sausages?
A: Pipe dream.
Q: What does the Tidy Bowl man have when he sleeps?
A: Green thumb.
Q: What does the Jolly Green Giant use to hitchike with?
A: The CIA.
Q: Where should you address all your mail?
A: "Breaking Away" and "Here's Boomer."
Q: What are two bad names for a laxative?
A: "Here's Boomer."
Q: What's a rude thing to say when you're dropping a bomb on a
country?
A: Short eyes.
Q: What do you get when you put Preperation H in your Murine?
A: "Oh God!"
Q: What do people always say when Howard Cosell is on?
A: Sha-na-na.
Q: How do you tell a Sha not to do something?
A: Eight is enough.
Q: Who old do you have to be to date Princess Margaret?
A: Kirk Douglas, Terhan Bey and Earl Butz.
Q: Name a Kirk, a Turk and a jerk.
A: Gatorade.
Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?
A: Bible belt.
Q: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants?
A: Milk and honey.
Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?
A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
Q: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.
A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.
A: Ben Gay.
Q: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?
A: An unmarried woman.
Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?
A: Disjoint.
Q: What was dat hippie smoking?
A: The Laughing Policeman.
Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?
A: Dustin Hoffman.
Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.
A: Until he gets caught.
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?
A: Old wives tale.
Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest?
A: Rub-a-dub-dub.
Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?
A: Shareholder.
Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?
A: Skalliwags.
Q: What does your skalli do when it's happy?
A: David Frost.
Q: On a cold morning what forms on your david?
A: Head and shoulders.
Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?
A: Hickory Dickory Dock.
Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?
A: "Rose Bowl."
Q: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley?
A: That darn cat.
Q: Who ruined that darn rug?
A: High rollers.
Q: Describe a stoned bowling team.
A: Gunga din.
Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?
A: "Follow the yellow brick road."
Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office?
A: At both ends.
Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?
A: Igloo.
Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?
A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
Q: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"?
A: Grape Nuts.
Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?
A: Supervisor.
Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?
A: Crabgrass.
Q: What do crabs get high on?
A: Shake-N-Bake.
Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.
A: Blazing Saddles.
Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?
A: Flypaper.
Q: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?
A: Deep freeze.
Q: Name an Eskimo porno film.
A: Bedbug.
Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Subject: Heaven and Hell
Definition of Heaven:
The Police are English, the Cooks are French, the Mechanics are German,
the Lovers are Italian, and the Whole Thing is run by the Swiss.
Definition of Hell:
The Police are German, the Cooks are English, the Mechanics are French,
the Lovers are Swiss, and the Whole Thing is run by the Italians.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
After a traffic accident, a woman rushed out of the crowd and leaned over
the victim. She was pushed aside by a man who directed "Step back, I've
had a course in First Aid."
The woman stood and watched the guy's ministrations for a few minutes,
then tapped him on the shoulder. "When you get to the part about calling
a
doctor," she said "I'm already here."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Weiner was in fact very absent minded. The following story is told
about him: When they moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing
that he would be absolutely useless on the move, packed him off to
MIT while she directed the move. Since she was certain that he would
forget that they had moved and where they had moved to, she wrote down
the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him. Naturally,
in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He reached in
his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea,
and threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went
home (to the old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there
he realized that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had
moved to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone.
Fortunately inspiration struck. There was a young girl on the street
and he conceived the idea of asking her where he had moved to, saying,
"Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner and we've just
moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the young
girl replied, "Yes daddy, mommy thought you would forget."
