Sometimes...
when you cry,
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes...
when you are in pain,
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes...
when you are worried,
no one sees your stress.
Sometimes...
when you are happy,
no one sees your smile.
But fart just ONE TIME!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Child Support Agency Forms
The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing fathers' name details.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered
by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B,
but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if
this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex
with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that
I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his
phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's
had It replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ
risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the
country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look The
same to me.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember
for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party
at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*-- TOP 10 OLD FOLKS PARTY GAMES --*
1. Sag, You're It!
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
6. Doc, Doc Goose
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There was this guy who was half Irish, half Scottish. He wanted a drink,
but he couldn't bring himself to pay for one!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be
when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then make a
billion dollars, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest
whore, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in
Paris, a jet to travel around Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the
while banging her like a screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible
response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and
simply tries to continue with the lesson...
"And how about you, Sarah? What do you want to be?"
"I wanna be Kevin's whore."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in
which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or
unexpected, frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right--only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency,
Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder
for me to find one now.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels:
one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy,
and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.
One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you,"
he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away from you?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
My area had a really bad storm a couple days ago and my neighbor lost the
roof of his house. The poor guy doesn't have insurance so I've decided to
start a gofundme campaign to raise some cash so I can go to Hawaii for a
week because he's about to start construction and I hate being around all
that noise.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to
An upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle Of
wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children Became
quiet as she began the ritual uncorking.
She poured a small Amount for me to taste, and then our six- year-old
piped up, "Mom usually Drinks a lot more than that!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"A woman in Muncie, Indiana was arrested after she stabbed her friend in
the eye with a fork for taking the last rib at a barbecue. I am strongly
against eye-stabbing. That being said, if you're going to stab someone in
the eye, this is a reason I can get behind." -James Corden
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and I intended to
stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few
skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the
butcher.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready
for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the
public-address system: "Will the gentleman who was looking for bigger
breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Mattea has
all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino. After a few
minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's Rosolino,
leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his ankles, and Olson is
banging away from behind.
Chief Mattea says, "What the hell is going on?"
Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation."
The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to-
mouth resuscitation!"
Olson says, "I did, Chief. That's how this shit got started."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The phone rang. Startled at getting a call so late, the woman picked it
up.
She heard heavy breathing, and then a hoarse voice whispered in her ear,
"I bet you have a tight ass with no hair."
"Why, yeah," the woman said. "He's drinking beer and watching TV. Who
shall I say is calling?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law,
Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife
telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home and
guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe
Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage.
I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down, Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is
something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There
must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find
out what happened."
Minutes later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation... she never got
your email!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me
which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when
stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to
look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body
expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing. "Mrs. Samson, I don't think you should be
asking those kinds of questions," she says. "I'm going to tell the
principal and tonight I'm going to tell my parents. We shouldn't be
discussing this kind of thing in class."
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks if
anyone else in class can answer the question. This time Sam raises his
hand. "The answer is the pupil of the human eye, Mrs. Sampson."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says,
"Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not
done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one
day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dewey was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him,
his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you
start dreaming in French."
Dewey ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I
had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!"
"Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?"
"I don't know," Dewey replied; "I couldn't understand a word they were
saying."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As I slipped my finger inside her hole, I could immediately feel it
getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger out and in seconds she was
going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If you are over 45-years-old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test.
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S
*****
Answers:
1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
You do NOT have Alzheimer's
You are a Pervert.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why the Military can't communicate with each other...
If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights
and lock the door.
If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid
entry to those without a pass.
If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault with heavy
fire, capture the building, fortify it and call for an air strike.
If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will negotiate a
three year lease with an option to buy.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during the
year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he
needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
He makes no contribution to the running or maintenance of the house.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these
accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses what- soever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out, work hard, and earn
a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick
in the head...
I think my dog might be in Congress!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A husband is trying to reintroduce some romance into his marriage. So one
night he says to his wife, "Tonight, I'm going to make you the happiest
woman in the world."
She replies... "I'll miss you."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like
Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them.
He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to
show the Mrs. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the
kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Jane, at age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed
and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf
shoes. Again he asked Jane, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
different NOW?"
Jane looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's
different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and
it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, JANE?"
"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!"
Without missing a beat old Jane replies, "Maybe You shoulda bought a new
hat."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by
the side of the walk. Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked
the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a young
woman standing next to him smiling.
Noticing the rather distinct bulge she asked, "What do you have in your
pocket?"
"Tennis ball," the man said, smiling back.
"Wow!" said the woman looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis
elbow and the pain was terrible!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home, and I took my
computer down to the bar to do some work. I sat down at the bar and I
asked the bartender, "What's the wifi password?"
Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first."
Me: "Okay, I'll have a beer."
Bartender: "We have Molsons Canadian on tap."
Me: "Sure. How much is that?"
Bartender: "$8.00."
Me: "Ok. Here you are. What's the wifi password"
Bartender: "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst, no spaces and all lowercase."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under
the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Hank?" the others asked.
"Hank had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Hank layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they asked.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one's gonna steal
Hank!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Honk
if you love Jesus."
So I honked. The driver leaned out his window, gave me an very impolite
gesture, and yelled, "Can't you see the light is still red, you MORON!?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Life Lesson
BEFORE SEX: You help each other get naked.
AFTER SEX: You get dressed by yourself.
Moral of the story: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
ENGLISH for TOURISTS
Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN
THE BAR."
On an Athi River highway: "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER,
THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."
Taken from a menu, Poland: "SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP
WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE;
BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION."
Supermarket, Hong Kong: "FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS,
EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE."
From the "Soviet Weekly": "THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY
15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER
THE PAST TWO YEARS."
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO
MOSCOW, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT."
A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE
AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day.
Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each
agreed to hear the other's case.
The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's
table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended
both the fine and costs.
They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding,
too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him
to pay court costs.
The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you
threw the book at me!" he fumed. The first judge looked at him and
replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone
has to get tough about all this speeding!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If sex with three people is a threesome, AND sex with two people is a
twosome...I now understand why they call you handsome.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in
various states of panic so I can send the appropriate emergency
equipment.
One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed
to go to a hospital. After finding out where she lived and assuring her
that the paramedics would arrive shortly, I asked her, "Do you know what
caused the fall?"
"No," the woman nervously replied. "What?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every
morning the old guy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to
his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and
got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old
guy's keister.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart
reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You were right," the old guy said, "I finally did fart my guts out, but
by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back
in!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A woman came home from the store with two cases of beer, three bottles of
wine, a bottle of whiskey and two loaves of bread.
"Are we expecting company?" her husband asked.
"No," she replied.
"Then why did you buy so much bread?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A young, southern buck went to Las Vegas. Sitting in a cocktail lounge,
and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly,
"Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give
me a piece of ass?"
"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? You're
an attractive guy, and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we
just slip away up to your room?"
When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table
and the waitress smiled at him and asked, "Will there be anything else?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all
just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighborly of y'all. But
where ah come from in Alabama, we lak our bourbon cold, so ah still need
a piece o' ass for mah drink."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it and there was a young man standing there who said: "Hello.
I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
Having nothing to do I said, "Come on in and sit down! Now, what do you
want to talk about?"
He said, "Fuck if I know. I've never got this far before!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good
today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I
gave twenty dollars to someone who was needy and down on his luck."
"Twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did
your husband say about it?"
"He said, 'Thanks.'"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5
children, makes $55,555.55 a year, trusts the number 5.
One day a friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be
running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the
man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and
bets on Lucky 5.
Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A Swiss guy in New York is looking for directions, so he pulls up at a
bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.
The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns
to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign
language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do
him any good."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town
Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey,
show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says,
"I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya
fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother
Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There was a poor, distraught man sitting at the bar of his local watering
hole, just staring into his drink. He stays like that for a half hour.
Then a big trouble-maker walks through the door; leather biker jacket,
neck-beard, tattoos and sunglasses. He sees the poor, lonely man, moping
at the bar by himself and decides to have a little fun. Walking up to the
bar he reaches over and grabs the guy's glass and drinks it down in one
go.
Immediately the poor man starts crying. The bully says, "Come on man, I
was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to
see a man cry."
"No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears. "It's just that
this has been the worst day of my life. First, I oversleep go in late to
the office. My boss losses his temper and fires me. When I leave the
building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they
can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, and when I get out, I forget my
wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I
find my wife in bed with my neighbor. So I left my home, come to this
bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you
show up and drink my poison."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I just had a physical. The doctor said don't eat anything fatty.
I said, "Like bacon and cheeseburgers?"
He said, "No fatty, don't eat anything!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem.
”
Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem. ”
"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk," says Morty.
"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.
"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Seth, Fetch!"
Seth the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says,
"So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like
I'm nothing.
And you only call me when you want something.
And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis.
You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell
me it's a special diet.
It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself!
And do you ever take me for a decent walk?
NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home.
Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so
much!
I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"
Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"
Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
One of the women in my apartment building came at me real aggressively
the other day, and accused me of stealing her clothes out of the laundry
room.
I can tell you I was so scared of her I nearly shit her pants.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your
husband
is
suffering from severe long-term stress and it's affecting his
cardiovascular
system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If
you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die."
"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off
to work in a good mood."
"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and
put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."
"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't
burden him with household chores."
"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and
relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week
and satisfy his every whim in bed."
On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife
and asked, "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed
serious.
What did he tell you?"
"You're going to die, " she replied.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget
many
little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be
dangerous, as one of them may accidently forget to turn off the stove and
thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some
help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful
to
write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought
this
sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the
advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the
kitchen
and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you
won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better
write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some
strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd
really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem--
a
dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could
hear
him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with
his
preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He
emerged
from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and
eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said,
"Hey, where's the toast?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Subject: Things you don't want to hear during surgery
1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
5. Hand me that? uh? that uh? thingy.
6. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff
before?
8. There go the lights again?
9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of
'em."
10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my
concentration off.
12. What's this doing here?
13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
14. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch?!
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!
18. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of
nature.
19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
20. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
21. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
22. What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
23. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
24. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of
left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit
Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the
ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the
couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering
if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love
to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh
please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great!
When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it
rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift
to, let me stand and pee, oh please......." On and on he went like an
excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if
Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of
thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were
the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts.
"What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
