An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
Some people are like slinkies... not really good for anything, but it's
still fun to watch them tumble down the stairs.
Dear George:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose
and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you
said, "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man and a woman."
When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I
simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an
abomination... End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of
God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend
of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for
her? (I'm pretty sure she's a virgin).
3. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
4. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2.clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to
kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? How can I help you
5. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I don't agree. Can you settle this? Aren't there 'degrees' of
6. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does
my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
7. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?
8. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
9. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to
curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the
trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we
do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you
have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable
expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging. It must be really great to be on such close terms with God
and his son, even better than you and your own Dad, eh?
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full
of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to
build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do
you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said, "'Holy Crap! A
talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and
my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't
get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This
continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The
ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him
about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey,
Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the
big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What the fuck do they want with a
A Man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "I'm sure you're wrong."
The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning Me. What
should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what
I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your
wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes, please."
"OK. Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
I know I'm really good in bed because women always ask me if there's any
possible way I could make it last longer.
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A
sign read: Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on center stage, was
a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man dropped
his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all three
walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Italian was carried off on
the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the salesman visited the same
little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign
"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian ". He couldn't believe the old guy was
still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again,
the center ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on
the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly drops his pants
and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with
him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian. "But I
have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyesa no whata they used to be!"
She was only the whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.
A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing through the native quarter,
and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw
a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.
As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the door greeting his
congregants. When our Brooklyn friend came up, the rabbi said, "You Jew?"
"Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.
"Funny," said the rabbi. "You don't look it."
According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was
not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly
Neanderthal woman were.
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas
season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that
the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he
asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!
He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long
seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs
on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
The Day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an
employee form when I came to : Single__, Married__, Divorced___ .
I marked single. Glancing the man next to me who was also filling out the
form, I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks. Instead he'd written,
"Yes, in that order."
A big mouth college student challenged a senior citizen saying it was
impossible for their generation to understand his world. "You grew up in
a different world," the student said.
"Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy,
computers, the internet..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior said,
"You're right sonny . We didn't have those things when we were young...
so we invented them!"
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
"One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows when to
When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that
says..."If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800- GAMBLER." So, I call
them and say, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage
direction. In my script it clearly said: "Enter Juliette from the rear."
A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of
toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?' He declines. 'Thanks for
asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's
really taken the edge off my appetite.'
At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'
He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
'Would you like a juicy ribeye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe
a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'
He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra... I'm still
not hungry.'
'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm fucking starving!
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor
asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have
sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with
the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for
$50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.
Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution; Passive-aggressive
disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex; Nope, no more booze for me; Sorry,
but you're not really my type; Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out
tonight? Oh, I just couldn't--no one wants to hear me sing!
I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!"
coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old
lady's handbag, but she was putting up a hell of a fight and wouldn't let
I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't
see anything.
I finally decided that I should help.
She was a tough old bird, but the three of us finally got that handbag.
A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start
talking and soon realize they're both doctors. After an hour,
the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings
The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in
the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like
she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10
At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man
says, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you
scrubbed up before we started," he says.
"That makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anaesthesiologist, aren't
"Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man.
The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break. Nina
asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"
Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."
"Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically.
"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."
Unsuccessful German Restaurants:
* LuftWaffle House
* BlintzKrieg
* What-a-Braten
* BurgerKraut
* Dolph & Eva's Secret Garden
* Mein Kaffe
* Reich's Chris Steakhouse
* Just-Stop-O
* Burgermeister & Jerry's
A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital
He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to put it in your ass but no, you
thought that might hurt!"
A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down he
notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. He waves
to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take
long before he is on the stool next to her.
They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman,
"You're really hot!"
"You're pretty cute, too," she says. "I'll tell you what, I live just
around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?"
"It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies. "Before we go up there
though," the woman says, "I have to ask you one question: Do you like
doing it Greek style?"
"Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is," man answers, "but it
sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!"
So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they get inside
the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his
eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body.
"Now, you're sure," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?"
"Definitely!" the man replies.
"All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up
on the bed on yours hands and knees."
"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and
climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and
gets onto the bed right in front of the man. She kneels down in front of
his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek
"Yeah! Yeah!" says the man.
The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting
him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right
into her chest. One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do
it Greek style?"
The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts.
"Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!"
The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, "OK,
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive
me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family.
Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the
one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for
your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he
walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally
got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the
text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how
much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.
"You'll get $24," said the clerk.
"This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check.
"I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a
person who buys a finance book for $96 and then sells it back for $24
should fail the course."
Amazing Home Remedies
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by
using the sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed
for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. remember to
use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. then
you'll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. if it
doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. if it shouldn't move and does,
use the duct tape.
7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical
Daily Thought:
Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything but
they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
A man is sitting in a fancy restaurant when his food finally arrives at
his table. As the plate is being served the man notices the waiter has
his thumb resting on the edge of his steak.
"Umm, excuse me," the man says, "but I couldn't help but notice you had
your thumb on my steak."
"Yes, I know, sir," the waiter responds, "but I didn't want to drop it
Heavy snow had buried my van in our driveway. My husband, Scott, dug
around the wheels, rocked the van back and forth and finally pushed me
free. I was on the road when I heard an odd noise. I got on my cell and
called home. "Thank God you answered," I said when Scott picked up.
"There's this alarming sound coming under the van. For a minute I thought
I was dragging you down the highway."
"And you didn't stop?"
I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman
spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began
furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.
Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains, I asked, "Can I
bring you some club soda?"
"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to
drink. Bring me another martini!"
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful
examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles
out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles
down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the
examining room.
Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after
the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes."
During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was
giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.
After he presented a number of different situations in which they might
find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if
someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?"
The student replied, "BIG ones."
My children have never been thrilled about taking naps, but one day they
were putting up more of a fuss than usual. In the middle of the tantrums,
a friend called.
"What's all the commotion over there?" she asked.
"Oh, nothing," I said. "Just the siesta resistance."
Some of my friends started a company built around an innovative idea for
an online business. A debate broke out about what to name the venture.
"We have to call it Imagination," one passionate participant cried out.
Everyone thought the idea over for a minute, and then a voice of reason
replied, "Are you sure you want your business card to read 'Imagination,
*-- Doctor's Reports --*
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared
3. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
5. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
6. Healthy appearing decrepit 99 year-old male, mentally alert but
7. The patient refused an autopsy.
8. The patient has no past history of suicides.
9. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
10. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical
20. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
a stockbroker instead.
21. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
22. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit
on the abdomen and I agree.
23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
A government warning was recently issued that anyone traveling in icy or
blizzard conditions should take:
- Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
- 24 hours supply of food and drink
- De-icer
- 5 lbs of rock salt
- flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares and reflective triangles
- Tow rope
- 5 gallon gas can
- First aid kit
- Jump cables
I felt like a complete idiot on the bus this morning.
A young couple honeymooning in Las Vegas were down to their last two
dollars. The groom told the bride that he had a feeling that he could
turn the two bucks into a fortune if he went down to the casino alone.
Once in the casino, he put one dollar each into two slot machines and won
Jackpots on both totaling $10,000. He then played blackjack for an hour
until he had $50,000 in chips. Next, he played poker and upped his
winnings to $100,000.
He was about to cash in his chips when he got a hunch that his luck
hadn't run out. So he took all his money and placed it on Black at the
roulette table, hoping to double his money. But the ball came up Red. He
returned to his hotel room.
"How did you do?" asked the bride.
The groom shrugged and said, "I lost two dollars."
We had been up in the attic together doing some cleaning. The kids
uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked, "Hey Mom...what's this?"
"Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy
their curiosity.
"Well what does it do?" they asked.
"I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She
rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving
black letters of print on the page.
"WOW!" they exclaimed, "that's really cool...but how does it work like
that? Where do you plug it in?"
"There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."
"Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.
"It doesn't need batteries either." she continued.
"Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented
this a long time ago!"
A literature buff, my friend Larry installed an answering machine on his
telephone. Instead of the usual instructions about leaving a message,
Larry recorded a parody of Hamlet's famous soliloquy: "To speak, or not
to speak, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to leave
a message after the beep, or to take arms against a sea of answering
machines, and by opposing, end them. To dial, to speak, no more. Thus
answering machines do make cowards of us all."
The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy
Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo,
and walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.
William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the
top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans
moving towards the Alamo.
With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim,
are we, by chance, having any landscaping done today?"
I wondered if I could get my husband to help me address Christmas cards,
as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully
pulled up a chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let's get these out of the
He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den,
only to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed,
and addressed.
"They're last year's," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let's go out
to dinner and relax."
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story:
"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into
some very severe turbulence.
As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even
the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them
noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came
over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose
you could, I don't something religious?'"
"So I took up a collection."
Why is it when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut?
But when a guy does it, he's all of a sudden gay?
*-- According to Women... Men Are Like... --*
they only show up when there's food on the table.
they usually run at the first sign of emotion. helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.
...government bonds
they take so long to mature.
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.
...lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright. accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of
...high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
...curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair. skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks a little odd,
so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually
from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What's up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid.
Husband: Well, don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, you
saw the baby had pooped his diaper. Then you said: Please go change the
baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left
the messy one there.