Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names:
19. Brussels Sprouts
18. Cannes Openers
17. Amsterdam Yankees
16. Vienna Sausages
15. Belgium Waffles
14. Manila Folders
13. Czech Bouncers
12. New Dehli Catessans
11. Buenos Airheads
10. Guadalajara Krishnas
9. Iraqi Raccoons
8. Bolivia DeHavillands
7. Seoul Brothers
6. Taipei Personalities
5. Syria Killers
4. Hungary Jacks
3. Dublin Mint Twins
2. Prague Tologists
1. Peking Toms
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Moskowitz met Finklestein on the street one day and said, "Finkelstein,
have I got a bargain for you! An elephant! A whole living elephant for
just one hundred dollars."
Finklestein said, "Are you crazy? What do I want with an elephant?"
"It's a beautiful elephant," continues Moskowitz, "all grey, ten feet
tall, complete with a trunk."
"But I have nothing to feed it on," cried Finkelstein. "I live in a
three-room apartment. I have no place to put it in."
But Moskowitz went on: "Two beautiful tusks, maybe two feet long. It is a
magnificent beast. They don't make them like that anymore."
"Moskowitz," said Finkelstein, almost screaming, "I have a three-room
walk-up apartment on the fifth floor. Where will I keep an elephant?"
"You are a hard man, Finkelstein," said Moskowitz. "I will tell you what,
I will throw in a second whole elephant for only $50 extra."
Finkelstein smiled and said, "Now you are talking!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
This lady goes to the drug store to buy her husband some toiletries. A
clerk comes up to her and asks if she needs some assistance.
"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband," she says, "but I
don't know what type he uses."
"Is it the ball type?" The clerk asks.
"No," replies the lady, "it's for his underarms."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't
seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his
phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the
word "service"... the act of doing things for other people.
Then I heard the terms Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil
Service, Service Stations, and I became confused about the word
"service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then recently, I overheard two horse breeders talking and one of them
mentioned that he was having his stallion service a few of his mares.
SHAZAM!
It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service"
agencies are doing to us!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor, crawled
painfully onto a stool, and ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "it's just arthritis."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
NEBRASKA CORNHUSKER QUIZ
Q. What's the difference between the Nebraska Cornhuskers and the
Taliban?
A. The Taliban has a running game.
Q. What do the Nebraska Cornhuskers and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ."
Q. How do you keep a Nebraska Cornhusker player out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts.
Q. Where do you go in Lincoln in case of a tornado?
A. Memorial Stadium - they never get a touchdown there.
Q. Why doesn't Omaha have a Div 1A football team .
A. Because then Lincoln would want one.
Q. Why was Frank Solich upset when the Cornhusker playbook was stolen?
A. Because he hadn't finished coloring it.
Q. What's the difference between the Nebraska Cornhuskers and a dollar
bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q. What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the College
Championships?
A. The Nebraska Cornhuskers.
Q. What do the Nebraska Cornhuskers and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q. How can you tell when the Nebraska Cornhuskers are going to run the
football?
A. Diedrich leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
DEFINITIONS OF A BACHELOR
* One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
* One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
* One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.
* One who can get into bed from either side.
* One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
* One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.
* One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
* One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.
* One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his
shirt.
* One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip
on him.
* One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
* One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!
* One who never makes the same mistake once.
* One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.
* One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.
* One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out
than in.
* One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate at
her church. This went on for several weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her one day.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "Every week my son sends me money, and since I
don't need it all, I give $1000 to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful! How much does he send you?"
The old lady replied, "Oh, around $20,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful -- what does he do
for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he
practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "Well, he has two cat houses in Las Vegas and
a chicken ranch in Reno."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las
Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the brothels nearby.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union
house?"
"No," she replied. "I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the
street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam
responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."
"That's more like it!" the union man said. So he handed the Madam
$100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive
blonde. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85-year
old woman in the corner, "but according to union rules, Ethel here has
seniority."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take
her to dinner. He called his wife to tell her that he had to ‘work late’
and she said, ‘no problem.’
After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex for hours.
On the way home he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He fell into a
state of panic. What was he going to tell his wife?
He walked in the door and was greeted by his excited and happy dog.
Inspired, he fell to the floor and pretended to fight off the
affectionate dog.
Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and
exclaimed, "Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!"
His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing,
look at what he did to my tits!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A parish priest, Father O'Brien, was being honored at a dinner on the
25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish.
A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was
chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner,
but he was delayed in traffic.
Sooo.....Father O'Briend decides to say his own few words while they
await the politician's arrival......
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never
be broken. What is confessed in there to me, is never repeated on the
outside. However, I got my first impressions of this parish from the
first confession I ever heard here.
Realize, please, that I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came
here 25 years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen
a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the
officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of
business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as
the days went on I knew that my people at this congregation were not all
like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding
and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, apologized
for his tardiness and then started in on his speech.
"I want to thank you all for letting me say a few words this evening in
honor of Father O'Brien. 25 Years is a long time. In fact, when he
arrived here, I had the honor of being the first confession he heard at
this congregation."
Now that is bad timing.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as
good as it used to be. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife
is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her
a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question
until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen
feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, Honey?"
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.
Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for
supper?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf bastard!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A young boy answers the phone.
A man says, "Hello is your dad around?"
The boy whispers, "Yes."
The man then asks if he can talk to him.
"He's busy at the moment," the boy whispers.
"Then is your mom there?"
"Yes" the boy whispers.
"Can I talk to her?"
"No, she's busy," the boy whispers.
"Is there anyone else there?"
"Yes" whispered the boy.
"Who?" the man asked.
"A policeman," came the whispered reply.
"Well, can I talk to him?"
"He's busy too," the boy whispered.
"Is there anyone else there then?"
"Yes" whispered the boy.
"Who then?" the man asked.
"A fireman," the boy whispered.
"Can I talk to him?"
"No," the boy whispered, "he's busy."
Annoyed, the man asked what they were all doing.
Giggling, the boy answers "Looking for me."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese
twins, and they wind up back at his apartment.
He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes
that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd
like to do.
She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your
trombone."
So she plays it while he screws her sister.
A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment
building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."
The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to
absorb the culture.
When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By
the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father, "What
have I done?"
He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to
Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he
also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi."
They explained their problem to the rabbi.
"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too sent my son to Israel,
and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young
people?" They prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished
their prayer, a voice came from the heavens:
"Funny you should ask," said the voice. "I, too, sent my son to Israel.."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had
just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He
happened to mention that Guten-somebody- or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A
copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that
much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some
clown named Martin Luther."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper is Down
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with
Venus.
1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
On doctor's orders, George had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was
dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it
for the services.
George's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of.
"Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.
"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here."
The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the
casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.
"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just
the thing for him."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
How do you know when you're staying in an Alabama hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the
person at the desk says "go ahead."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
George Bush was out jogging one morning when he came across a little boy
sitting on the White House lawn with a box full of newborn puppies.
He was mesmerized by the cute little puppies and when the little boy
said, "You should take one, they're Republican puppies,"
George replied, "Well, that's just great, maybe I will."
The next day, he takes Dick Cheney jogging with him. "Dick, you gotta
come with me, there's something I have to show you."
As they approach the boy with the box, the boy says, "Would either of you
like a puppy? They're Democrat puppies."
A puzzled George asks, "But didn't you tell me just yesterday that they
were Republican puppies?"
The boy replied, "Yes, but that was before their eyes opened."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being
introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around
said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our
oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in
Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing.
On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen
tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell
asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise
in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I'd
ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!!
...........I tell you, I just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you,
I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then, just now,
when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An Indian chief sends his son off to college. The son comes home with an
electrical engineering degree. The first thing that the chief wants his
son to do is to install electric lights in the outhouse as there are too
many people stumbling around in the dark. The son installs the lights and
is therefore known as the first Indian to wire ahead for a reservation.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to
make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify
them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and
bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist"
garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine
and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong
bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and
said "good morning, Father, good morning, Father", nodding and addressing
each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How
in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you
even saw them.
Once again the two priests in mufti settled on the beach in their chairs
to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde,
wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again
she nodded at each of them, said "good morning, Father" and started to
walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute
young lady."
Yes?" she replied.
"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world
did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Angela," she replied.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Henry Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a
marriage for your son. "The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my
son's life." Kissinger responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's
daughter." "Well, in that case..."
Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your
daughter." "But my daughter is too young to marry." "But this young man
is already a vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a
young man to recommend to you as a vice president." "But I already have
more vice presidents than I need." "But this young man is Lord
Rothschild's son-in-law." "Ah, in that case...."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Motherly Lessons
My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your
neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling
test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I
know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking?
Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a
barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my
age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father
gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we
get home."
And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids,
and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE... "If you're going to
kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION... "You better pray that will come out of
the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL... "If you don't straighten up, I'm
going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC... "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT... "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in
case you're in an accident.
My mother taught me IRONY... "Keep crying and I'll give you something to
cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS... "Shut your mouth and
eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM... "Will you just look at the
dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA... "You'll sit there 'till all that
spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER... "It looks as if a tornado swept
through your room."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY... "If I've told you once, I've told
you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE... "I brought you into this world,
and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION... "Stop acting like your
father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY... "There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:
Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easy for transporting
Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog
fresh and clean as a whistle
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial
advisors
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, not a popular dog with CIA agents
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter
anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll
die for you!"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many
times?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There will be no nursing home in my future ... When I get old and feeble,
I am going to get on a Princess Cruise ship. The average cost for a
nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess
and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per
day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I can have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast
in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free
washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5
worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.
7. TV broken? Light bulb needs changing? Need to have the mattress
replaced? No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your
inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for
them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare.
If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to
a suite for the rest of your life.
10. There's a doc and nurses on board for health problems. Now hold on
for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti,
Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will
have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just
call shore-to-ship.
P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at
no charge.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A crusty old paratrooper colonel found himself at a gala event downtown,
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance. One of them approached
the colonel for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you
this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature!"
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations, and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."
The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said: "You
know, you should lighten up a little... relax and enjoy yourself."
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "well there you go, you really need to chill out and quit
taking everything so seriously... I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a
little extreme?"
The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,
"Oh, I don't know... It's only 2130 now."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the
toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the
seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive
her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck
seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his
wife's coat o show their predicament.
The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to
speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and
introduced him to the chef.
"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a
month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours
is imported."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican
village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the
small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented
the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to
catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more
fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate
needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your
time?
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each
evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full
and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should
spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat with the
proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you
would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a
middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening
your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and
distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village
and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run
your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
But what then, senor?
The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the time is
right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public
and become very rich, you would make millions.
Millions, senor? Then what?
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal
fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your
kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings
where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are
fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are
very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically
attracted to my horse."
"Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am,
queer?"
