** Strange and Funny Signs **
On a sign for a seafood restaurant: "I get my crabs from Dirty Dicks."
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your
payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and
get fed up.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station: "Tank heaven for little grills."
At a Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with
crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2
a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by
the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that
night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was
okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected
home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.
After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the children picked
me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late,
there were hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers,
also. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running
shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at
Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if
they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1
bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line.
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1000 planes = 1 terraplane
3 dents = 1 trident
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
2 x 103 millenaries = 4 seminaries
10-5 dollars = 1 Millicent
1000 antellas = 1 tarantella
1000 antics = 1 gigantic
10 tics = 1 hectic
10 aides = 1 decade
10 mal = 1 decimal
1000 female sheep = 1 milieu
2 doctors = 1 paradox
100 Senators = Not 1 decision
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth mouthwash: 1 microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling:
1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurts
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarse power
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
500 millinaries: 1 seminary
2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds
1/2 lavatory: 1 demijohn
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
1 million billion piccolos: 1 gigolo
100 rations: 1 C-ration
10 millipedes: 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism
Website - a Melbourne University Tourism Studies Major working in the
summer holidays answered....
1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on
TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown
and then just sit around watching them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how
much you've been drinking
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of
water...
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A: So
its true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy) A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) A:
What, did your last slave die of?
7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Australia?(USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which
does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross. Come naked.
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then
turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of
the directions.
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your
fingers like we do.
10.Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a
is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget
it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
11. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) A: You are a British
politician, correct?
12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) A: Anywhere
significant numbers of Americans gather.
13. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No, WE don't stink.
14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Australia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay
nightclubs.
15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at
Christmas.
16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany) A: Not yet, but for
you, we'll import them.
17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-
gatherers. Milk is illegal.
18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum.(USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where
YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be
safely handled and make good pets.
19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It's called a
Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat
the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by
spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl
I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes,
and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
21. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes,
but you'll have to learn it first.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Following up on our recent coverage of actual (and very dumb) questions
asked of staffers at US and Canadian National parks, Paul C. Jess sends
along this slightly more fictitious item:
Advisory
The Wisconsin State Dept of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the
alert for bears this summer.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells
on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a
bear.
People should be able to recognize the presence of bears in an area by
their droppings:
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berry residue and possibly
squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper
spray.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT
WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for
one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you get more
work for good behavior.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT
WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for
yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for
watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. AT WORK...you have to share with
some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you
can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK...they are
called managers.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me
Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and
Fire Hydrants and......
Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna
Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"extreme bumper stickers:"
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like
that.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a mule from
another old farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
However, the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad
news." "The mule died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the mule."
"What ya gonna do with a dead mule?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
"Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the mule asked,
"Whatever happened with that dead mule?"
"I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2
each and made a profit of $998."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was
visiting Texas from New Jersey ... (maybe Teterboro)...
Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair
in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.
Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true
taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn’t be
all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could Have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event.
*****
Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. Hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****
Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra
beers when they saw the look on my face.
*****
Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid
pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I’m getting shit-faced.
*****
Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills;
that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste
I’m eating.
*****
Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks!
*****
Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
******
Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t
feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed
me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through
the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
*****
Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending ... this is a nice blend chili, safe all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s
going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch
the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's/Grandpa's
lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge ...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT OLDSTERS HAVE LEARNED
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're
down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a
rocking chair that you
once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody
bothers to ask you the
questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
7) With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
How to sing the Blues . . . A Primer
1) Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the
meanest face in town."
3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes . . . sort of: "Got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4) The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch--ain't no way out.
5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an'
state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a
major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6) Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues
"adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot
a man in Memphis.
7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place
in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places
to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get
rain.
8) A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues.
Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9) You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting
is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10) Good places for the Blues: a) Highway; b) Jailhouse; c) Empty bed;
d) Bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places for the Blues: a) Dillard's; b)
Gallery openings; c) Ivy League institutions; d) Golf courses
11) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if a) You older than
dirt; b) You blind; c) You shot a man in Memphis; d) You can't be
satisfied. No, if a) You have all your teeth; b) You were once blind
but now can see; c) The man in Memphis lived; d) You have a 401K or trust
fund.
13) Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also
got a leg up on the blues.
14) If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are a) Cheap wine; b) Whiskey or
bourbon; c) Muddy water; d) Nasty black coffee. The following are NOT
Blues beverages: a) Perrier; b) Chardonnay; c) Snapple; d) Slim Fast.
15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to
die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis
match or getting liposuction.
16) Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie; b) Big Mama; c) Bessie; d) Fat
River Dumpling
17) Some Blues names for men a) Joe; b) Willie; c) Little Willie; d) Big
Willie
18) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't
sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a) Name of physical infirmity
(Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.); b) First name (see above) plus name of
fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.); c) Last name of President (Jefferson,
Johnson, Fillmore, etc.); d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg
Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20) I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you cannot
sing the blues.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Funny comedian one-liners
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
"You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, 'I should hope
not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'-Larry
Miller
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the
Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"- Robin Williams
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad."-
Christopher Case
"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to
teach you how to swim.' "-Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
'Duh.'"-Conan O'Brien
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"-Richard Jeni
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."-Paul
Rodriguez
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end."-Jerry Seinfeld
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
"That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."-Jeff Stilson
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."-Lily Tomlin
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry".-Rita Rudner
"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second
day you're off it".-Jackie Gleason
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants".-A. Whitney Brown
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base".-Dave Barry
"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of
Congress..... But I repeat myself".-Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Kuwait".-A. Whitney Brown
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Three Frenchmen, one in his twenties, one forties, and the elder in his
sixties were discussing "savoir-faire".
The youngest said, "'savoir-faire' is when one comes home unexpected,
finds his wife in bed with another man and says, 'oh, excuse me'."
The middle-aged one said, "No, no, no, 'savoir-faire' is, when one comes
home unexpected, finds his wife in bed with another man, says,'oh, excuse
me, carry on'."
The eldest said, "No, no, no, you both are wrong. 'Savoir-faire' is,
when one comes home unexpected, finds his wife in bed with another man,
says, 'Oh, excuse me, carry on,' and he does."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Okay, I admit I'm not very good at oral sex. But my wife doesn't have to
keep rubbing my nose in it."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Stupid True Headlines, Part I
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his
free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the
husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit
it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you
can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying
myself every night!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The busy Park Avenue veterinarian impatiently assured the well-dressed
lady with the schnauzer dog that there was nothing wrong with the
animal’s hearing.
"There’s just too much hair around the dogs ears," he said. "Get some
hair remover and he’ll be all right."
She purchased a bottle of depilatory at a nearby pharmacy, And the clerk
instructed her to use it full strength for leg hair and to dilute it by
half for under arms.
"Thanks," said the woman with a puzzled frown, "but I want to use this on
my schnauzer."
"Oh," said the clerk, somewhat taken aback. "Well, in that case you’d
best use it at one-third strength, and,uh, I wouldn’t advise bike riding
for a while."
