"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any

Indian."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A man went to his lawyer and stated, "I would like to make a will but I

don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked somewhat upset as he said, "Well, I knew you were going to

take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children,

too!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I went to a good school where some of our foremost politicians learned

their three R's - this is Ours, that is Ours, everything is Ours.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The young ensign approached the crusty old chief and asked him about the

origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

"Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar

representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a

lieutenant junior grade represents value, but less malleable. When you

make lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars.

"As a captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an

admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?"

"Yes, Sir. But what about commanders and lieutenant commanders?"

"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even.

You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves... "

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return

for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with

his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of

lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo

of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking around his new

parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of

tea, and a pack of cigarettes.

One of the old villagers came up to him and said. "Good morning, Vicar,

how be you and the wife?"

The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also. I

left her in bed smoking."

The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Actual Newspaper Headlines & Ads

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'83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

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NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE at:

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

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FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG... LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER

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HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER

NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE

WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE!

BARBIE COUNTRY RIDE -- (note: most dolls cannot pedal the bike).

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THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE SONGS OF THE '50s:=20 INCLUDING "16 TONS" BY

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JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took

her faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the Dachshund

starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that

he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his

direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some

bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the

bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more

around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride,

as a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby

tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for

protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and

figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the

leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the

leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey,

hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,

and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog

sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them

yet...and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says...

"Where's that bloody monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me

another leopard!"

So remember ....... "IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE

THEM WITH BS"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A guy wakes up one morning after a night of heavy drinking and goes to

the bathroom to take a piss. He looks down and sees two rings on his

dick, a brown one near the base, and a bright red on about an inch up.

Not knowing what they are and not remebering what happened the previous

night he goes to the doctor.

The doctor looks at him and says, "Well, I got good news and I got bad

news. Which do you want first?"

"Give me the good news first." the guy nervously replies.

"The good news is the red ring is lipstick."

"Whew, that's a relief. What's the bad news?"

"The brown ring is chewing tobacco."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the

edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"

He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

He said, "Christian."

I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

He said, "Baptist!"

I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of

the Lord?"

He said, "Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you

Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of

1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

---Emo Philips

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Strange and Funny Signs

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:

"We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

At a Proctologist's door

"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumbers truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumbers truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza Shop Slogan:

"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:

"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate

action."

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right

place."

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you

don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station

"Tank heaven for little grills."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Memorable Thoughts

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good

ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. --George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year. --

Victor Borge

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. --Mark

Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you

get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. --Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. --Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she

stops to breathe. --Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and

kindness, can be trained to do most things. --Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food

groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. --Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you

nothing. It was here first. --Mark Twain

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form

of misery. --Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. --Henny Youngman

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' --Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. --

Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my

nap. --Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank

her. --W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember

if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. --George Burns

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. --Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go

anywhere. --Billy Crystal

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Top ten comments made by sports commentators that they would like to take

back:

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This

is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her

warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse

and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique,

except for the one behind it, which is exactly identical to the one in

front of the similar one in back."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my

mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some

deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can

expect the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like

it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the

wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like

they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing

so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls

and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After spending fifteen sexually starved years in an asylum, an inmate

escapes.

The first female he runs across is a washer-woman hanging up the

institution's washing. He takes her and satisfies his urges and dashes

on to freedom.

The local newspaper ran the following headline:

"NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin. The reason is

because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest

and asks for the priest's opinion.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive

search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on

the Sabbath."

The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So, he decides to

ask a minister. The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given

him. Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath.

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the

question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others are

convinced that sex is work?"

The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man: "Hi there new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."

Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."

Man: "So what is you do for a living?"

Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive

reasoning."

Man: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"

Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out

back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."

Man: "That is right."

Neighbor: "The fact you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a

family."

Man: "Right again."

Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."

Man: "Correct."

Neighbor: "And since you have a wife I can deduce that you are

heterosexual."

Man: "Yup."

Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."

Man: "Cool."

Later that same day...

Man: "Hey I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."

Neighbor2: "Is he a nice guy?"

Man: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."

Neighbor2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"

Man: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."

Neighbor2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"

Man: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"

Neighbor 2: "No."

Man: "Fag."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man

were sitting. The girl looks like she’s having some discomfort so her

boyfriend asks her, "What’s wrong honey?"

She replies. "My head hurts."

Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better now?"

"Yes," she says.

Then he askes, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"

"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. So the boyfriend kisses her

lips.

"Is it better now?"

"Much better."

"Anywhere else?"

She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her neck.

Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young

man, "Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

More Problems with the 2004 Olympics

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the

Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw

her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from

personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother

and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths

in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can

expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't

like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the

IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've

got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is

that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses

them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be

around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die

between the ages of 103 and 104."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac

doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her

eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway

over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much;

I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other

hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my

knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my

ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned

myself ruined the stupid phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an

important call.

Dumb women drivers

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse

full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on

talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of

money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right),an

employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president

of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her

purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so

much money.

The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was

surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles

are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it

was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and

said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles

are not square.

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money

involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock

tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the

president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in

front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and

that,checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one

could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there

was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the

president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made

the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president

confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then

the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her

lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly

woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she

could touch them.

"Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved,

you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president

noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked

the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's

probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning

I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

IN AN EFFORT TO HELP OUTSIDERS UNDERSTAND THE MIDWEST UNITED STATES, THE

FOLLOWING LIST WILL BE HANDED TO EACH DRIVER ENTERING THE AREA:

1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before

breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive, you're

going to get dust on your SUV. I have a four-wheel drive because I need

it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah,

we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you

whipped... by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a

flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those

little trout you fish for...bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making

approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your

ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what

you paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order a steak. Order

it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds

of ham and turkey.

10. You can bring Coke into my house but it better be brown, wet, and

served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're

real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use

two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when

it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So,

you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too - and turtle. You really want sushi

and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like

it? Interstate 70, 80 & 90 go two ways. Interstate 29, 35, & 75 go the

other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious

holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.

Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the ball into the water hazard.

It spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving

like an idiot, his name is, "Sir"... no matter how old he is.

Now, enjoy your visit and go home.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"QUIZ FOR PEOPLE WHO KNOW EVERYTHING:"

1. There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the

participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is

it?

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for

several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every

year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the

team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the

ball?

5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear

inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine;

it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They

are all common. Name two of them.

8. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name

half of them?

9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?"

10. There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base

without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls--- a walk--- is one way.

Name the other six.

11. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned,

processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?

12. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin

with the letter "S."

Answers:

1. Boxing.

2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each

year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every

minute.

3. Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. Baseball.

5. Strawberry.

6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds

when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is

left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they

are snipped off at the stems.

7. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.

8. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question

mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces,

and ellipses.

9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers

and kept the name when they moved west.

10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher

drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch

runner.

11. Lettuce.

12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes,

stockings.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -

Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man & worships his creator." - John Bright

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -

Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston

Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

- Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great

pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the

dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -

Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading

it." - Moses Hadas

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -

Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E.

Leonard

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I

know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But, this wasn't it." - Groucho

Marx

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human

knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by

diligent hard work, he overcame them."- James Reston (about Richard

Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -

Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on

it?" - Mark Twain

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved

of it." - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -

Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar

Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support

rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder