Most people are unwilling to sell their souls; but they usually
aren’t opposed to renting them out for an hour or two.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Two baby boys find themselves next to each other in different
carts in a supermarket. One says to the other in an excited
voice, "Are you still breast-fed?"
The second, with a mournful and thoroughly fed-up attitude says,
"Yes, and I wish I wasn't."
The first one says incredulously, "Why? It's fantastic!"
Comes the reply, "Not when you have to share it with someone who
smokes cigars."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by
ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion,
she was placed on an examining table and then all but ignored
for the next half-hour.
Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled,
"Please help me!"
"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their political
differences. Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the
table. "You’re lying!" he shouted.
"Of course I’m lying," the other said, "but hear me out."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The
road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed
like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and
the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side
of the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that
he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a
limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the
engine, feeling despondent As he stood looking at the gradually
fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put
in new batteries, like he had promised himself.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's
your fuel pump."
The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside
of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses, a white one and a black on,
standing in the fenced field alongside
the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two
horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your
flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight,
turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
"Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face
and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a
ghost."
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale
to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful.
"A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the
rancher, "because that black horse don't know shit about
cars."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common?
They both have a one in a million chance of becoming human.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed
up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"
Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I'll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came
home from work early the other day and there they were,
hanging over the chair in the bedroom."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In an American history discussion group, the professor was
trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with
time.
"For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood
five feet one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements
of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of
the contest?"
The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up,
"Not very well."
"Why is that?" Asked the professor.
"For one thing," the student said, "She'd be way too old."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Abie and Moishe had a religious goods store on Delancey Street
on the Lower East Side of NYC.
The neighborhood was changing. The Jews were moving to
Westchester or Long Island and the Puerto Ricans were moving in.
"Abie, ve haff to move to Westchester," said Moishe.
"Ve can't. Diss neighborhood iz our life. Ve've been here for
toity-tree years. Maybe ve can start stockink Ketolic articles
too."
"Vat? Ketolic articles? Bistu in gantzen meshuggeh? Ve're Jews.
NO Ketolic articles!"
A month passed and they sold nothing but two talliseisim, three
mezzuzahs and one set of tefillin. Now was the time to fish or
cut bait.
Moishe agreed that they had to stock Catholic articles, so he
said to Abie, "OK, call dat Ketolic supply house on Park
Avenue."
Abie: "Hello, Ketolic supply house on Park Avenue? Diss is Abie
and Moishe's on Delancey Street. I vant 200 daily missals, 100
autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 of dose beads, vat you
call em, Rosaries? And a gross of crucifixes. And I need dos
things here tommorow. "
"OK, Sir. I got your order. Let me read it back. 200 daily
missals, 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 sets of
Rosaries and 100 crucifixes. So, tell me, however, dese
crucifixes. You vant dem mit or mitout de Jesuses? And
tomorrow we don't deliver...it's Shabbos."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when,
all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a
tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing
what happened, went over to investigate.
He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A
few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed
bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had
gone.
The old farmer said, "I buried 'em."
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "They were ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't,
but you know how them politicians lie."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a
lifeboat. They floated around for days without food or water. One
afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat. The men grabbed the bottle and
when they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared.
'I'll grant each of you a single wish,' said the genie.
'I wish I was home,' said the first man. Then, poof! he disappeared.
'I wish I was home, too,' said the second man. Poof! He disappeared too.
The third man looked around. 'Gee, I'm kind of lonely,' he said. 'I wish
my friends were here with me.'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is
nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it
correctly.
The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when
a man begins pounding on the front door.
"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey,
and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."
"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the
freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He
brings it out to show the man.
"That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes
and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better
give me both of them!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant,
obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner
completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he
does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies
Tiger. "Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the
Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as a meat substitute.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an
apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it was
too late, the man had died. While consoling the wife one of the rescuers
noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man
had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started
moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting and sweating. I
thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all
aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad
asked Mom.
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing
situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little
younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.
Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Probably the same thing."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the
department staff broken down by age and sex.
The personnel office sent this reply...
"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by
age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
MINNESOTA SLOGANS
- I Came, I Thawed, I Transferred....
- 10,000 Lakes And No Sharks!
- Minnesota - Home Of The Mispi-Mispp-Missispp (Where The
Damn River Starts!)
- Why Minnesota? To Protect Ontario From Iowa
- Many Are Cold, But Few Are Frozen
- There Are Only 3 Things You Can Grow In Minnesota: Colder,
Older, & Fatter
- Land Of 2 Seasons: Winter Is Coming, Winter Is Here
- Minnesota - Home Of The Blonde Hair And Blue Ears
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Three wise men are following a star through the desert.
The star stops over a little village and begins to shine brightly on a
barn behind a small inn.
They walk into the barn and find a little baby lying in a manger.
As they approached the manger, one of the wise men walks into a plough
and smashes his knee on the handle and in agony yells out "JESUS CHRIST!"
A voice came down from above and said "That's a good name, I was going to
call him Roger."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic
show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the
theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to
kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my
wife."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A tourist driving through Arkansas passes a young boy walking along
wearing only one shoe.
The tourist stops his car and asks the boy, "Did you lose a shoe?"
"Nope," the boy replies. "Found one."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Q. What is the definition of a fierce competitor?
A. A guy that comes in 1st and 3rd in a masturbation contest.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer
remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where
they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one
line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the
rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose
deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his
line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the
actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line;
"Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the
director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?" He
asked.
"No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they
would install the antenna and TV the next day.
The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political
ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only
political ads again.
When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found
political ads.
The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store
to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to
only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the
TV.
When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was
right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the
antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found
the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and
grounded to the manure spreader.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jill received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was
astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his
office to demand an explanation.
"Is this some kind of mistake?" Jill asked when she got the doctor on the
phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Jill, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900
dollars is for bringing you back around."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Every time I sit down to try to take a dump, I start reading the
newspaper and end up forgetting to do my business. I think might I have
Attention Defecate Disorder.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
TRAVEL AGENT TERMS
Old world charm ... Room with no TV, radio and only 1 light.
Tropical .... Rainy.
Majestic setting ... A long way from town, at end of dirt road.
Options galore ... Nothing is included in the price.
Secluded hideaway .......Directions to locate unclear.
Some budget rooms .....Sorry, already occupied.
Explore on your own .....At your own expense.
Minutes From ???...........By Plane
Romantic ...................... No Phone in room
Knowledgeable trip hosts ... They've flown in an airplane before.
No extra fees .............. No extras available.
Bird Watchers Paradise...... Your car's paint will never be the same
Nominal fee ................. Outrageous charge.
Standard ..................... Sub-standard.
Deluxe ........................ Barely Standard.
Superior accommodations... One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.
All the amenities ......... Two chocolates, two shower caps.
Just Like Home............. No Maid service.
Plush ................. Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.
Gentle breezes ........... In hurricane alley.
Light and airy .............. No air conditioning.
Picturesque ................ Theme park nearby.
24-hour bar .....Ice cubes at additional cost (when available).
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
DOG OR DAWG?
To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference
between Yankees and Southerners...
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs
(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg
(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg
(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg"
(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches
(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg
(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.
(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg
(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg
(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg
(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg
(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs
(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg
(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg
(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Wienie Dawg
(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg
(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"
(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg
(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg
(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg
(Yankee) Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Some Stuff I Wish I'd Said"
- "To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be
the world."
- "Going to church does not make you a good person anymore than going to
McDonald's makes you a hamburger."
- "Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of
yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job."
- "Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same
side."
- "I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to."
- "Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to
the town gossip."
- "People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross."
- "Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it."
- "Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes
you weep."
- "Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make
them all yourself."
- "There are two things I've learned: There is no Cinderella. And, I'm
not her Prince."
- "Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men
crooked."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Differences
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their
heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown
into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear:
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled
look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do
for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her we went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed dep't store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very
expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her
we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a
pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dep't where she picked
out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you -- she was so excited. She must have thought I was one
wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis
bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw
her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
"WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough
for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman,"
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.......
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "R," and
all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him
out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: "Robert gave
Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare." In class a
few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out
loud.
The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at
him--then replied, "Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny
wasn't cooked enough."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sister Mary Margaret enters O'Flynn's liquor shop. "I'd like to buy a
bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O'Flynn.
The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle of Irish
whiskey? And you being a nun, too!"
"Oh, no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly. His
constipation, you know."
O'Flynn smiles, nods and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister Mary Margaret
pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.
Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he
passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret. She's rip
roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.
"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father Reilly's
constipation!"
"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's gonna
shit."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE
~ If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it
too slowly.
~ Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all
count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
~ The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in
hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
~ Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
your appetite and you'll eat less.
~ A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of
calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
~ If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
~ But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
~ If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate
to protect themselves.
~ If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a
balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast
of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only
been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull
him by the ears to make him come."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's liberty.
That evening, the captain was more than a little surprised to receive the
following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's coming of age
party. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried
officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite
southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point:
No Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."
Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door. She
opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered,
smiling black officers. Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself
together she stammered, "There must be some mistake!"
"On no, Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez doesn't make
mistakes."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A rabbi, burdened by the importance of his work, went into the synagogue
to pray. Falling to his knees, he lamented, "Oh, Lord, I am nothing! I am
nothing!"
Just then a Jewish judge passed by and overhearing the prayer was moved
to join the rabbi on his knees. Shortly, he too, was crying aloud, "Oh,
Lord, I too am nothing! I am nothing!"
The janitor of the temple, awed by the sight of the two men praying
joined them, crying, "Oh, Lord, I also am nothing! I am nothing!"
At this the judge nudged the rabbi and said, "Look who thinks he’s
nothing."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of
our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for
something to eat, but please do not eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss
remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with you.
However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what
happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the Secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly to which the leader of the cannibals shouted, "You
fool! For four weeks we've been eating branch managers and no one noticed
anything. But nooooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
** Actual Headlines **
~ March Planned For Next August
~ Blind Bishop Appointed To See
~ Lingerie Shipment Hijacked -- Thief Gives Police The Slip
~ L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
~ Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
~ Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.
~ Diaper Market Bottoms Out
~ Croupiers On Strike; Management Says: "No Big Deal"
~ Stadium Air Conditioning Fails -- Fans Protest
~ Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
~ Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
~ Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
~ Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
~ Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
~ Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
~ Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
~ Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man
~ Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
~ 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
~ War Dims Hope For Peace
~ If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
~ Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
~ Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
~ Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
~ Man is Fatally Slain
~ Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation
~ Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence
~ Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
~ Police Discover Crack in Australia
~ Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
~ Collegians are Turning to Vegetables
~ Scientists to Have Ford's Ear
~ Hershey Bars Protest
~ County Officials to Talk Rubbish
~ Carter Plans Swell Deficit
~ Caribbean Islands Drift to Left
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Father O'Brian, a young priest, was sent to a very small church in the
backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay
the priest a visit to see how he was doing.
Father O'Brian said "this is a very lonely job and I don't think that I
could have made it this long without my Rosary and two martinis each
day."
"What?!" Exclaimed the Bishop. "You've taken to drinking? What kind of
example is that to set for the community? This doesn't reflect well on
the church."
"But the loneliness, I just couldn't stand it. If it weren't for my
Rosary and those two martinis a day, I would surely have gone insane."
The Bishop thought a moment, then said "I guess that is understandable
considering..."
With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a
martini with me?"
The Bishop said, "well, I really shouldn't but...Yes, that would be nice.
I think I will, but just this once."
The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Hey Rosary,
would you fix us two martinis please?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman-
-already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who
insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown."
