When I was a boy, my father told me "Whatever you do, you must never open
the cellar door."
Well, my father had always been very good to me, reading to me at night
and keeping me fed, so for many years I followed his admonition.
But one day my curiosity could no longer be contained. I crept up to the
door and slowly slowly drew it open...
And there, to my surprise, was sunshine, green grass, blue skies.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young
woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline brand petroleum jelly.
Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say
that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for
your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how
you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all; my husband and I put it
on the door knob so the kids can't open the door!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our
anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I
appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers
and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up
with me so long.'
When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.
"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" I said.
She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for
putting up with me. So long."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Here is something that is completely obvious, but most people
just don't take the time to think about;
"Dog food lid" spelled backwards is "dildo of God."
Think about it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
After seven years of training and hard work in the medical fields, a very
good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with
one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a
waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and just
a brilliant mortician.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I heard my neighbor fucking for what seemed like ages last night,
moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall. Turns out her
elderly mother had fallen and broken a hip and was knocking on the wall
with her stick for help. I kind of feel guilty about jerking off now.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to
file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,
"What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no. That will never work. Let's try
to rephrase that."
The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "Ok, say I'm a
chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a
whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware
of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the
floor.
"Is that the dog we're supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.
"That's him," comes the reply.
"He doesn't look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"
"'Cause before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why the Military can't communicate with each other...
If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights
and lock the door.
If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid
entry to those without a pass.
If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault with heavy
fire, capture the building, fortify it and call for an air strike.
If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will negotiate a
three year lease with an option to buy.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around her family
dairy farms since she was old enough to walk with hours of hard work and
little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in
grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best
slogan/rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all..."
She said, "I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this!"
She sent in her entry and about a week later a black limo drove up in
front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry
so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able
to use it." Here is her entry:
Carnation milk, best milk in the land
comes to you in a little red can.
Carnation milk is best of all
no tits to pull, no hay to haul.
No buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,
just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A woman came home from the store with two cases of beer, three bottles of
wine, a bottle of whiskey and two loaves of bread.
"Are we expecting company?" her husband asked.
"No," she replied.
"Then why did you buy so much bread?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*-- Reasons to Allow Drinking at Work --*
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work.
If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into
allowing alcohol.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants
to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't
care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly
forgotten.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What the Doctor says and what he really means
Doctor: "This should be taken care of right away."
Translation: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy
and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
Doctor: "Let me check your medical history."
Translation: I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending
any more time with you."
Doctor: "We have some good news and some bad news."
Translation: The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad
news is, you're going to pay for it.
Doctor: "Let me schedule you for some tests."
Translation: I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
Doctor: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Translation: I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea
pig.
Doctor: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Translation: I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
Doctor: "I'd like to run some more tests."
Translation: I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab
can solve it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells
them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple
question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when
everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful and stuff..."
"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the
same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put
up a nice tree, exchange presents, and drink eggnog."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells
her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and
asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I
know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday, that coincides with
the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating
at the last supper. Then the Romans took him to be crucified and he was
stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a
cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which
was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Then every year the boulder is moved aside
so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be
six more weeks of winter."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally grabbed a
bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid, she bought an air
conditioner."
2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothing, my wife is so stupid, she bought one
of them new-fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'"
3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wives put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin'
fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no dick."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the
freeway. You're going to be okay, however, your penis was severed in the
accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we now have the technology to build you a new
penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an
inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I
understand that you have been married for over twenty years and this is
something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher
before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a
nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now,
she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in
helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes," says the man.
"So what is it going to be?" asks the doctor.
The man says, "We're getting new granite counter tops."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
TOP TEN REDNECK PICK UP LINES
1. Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.
2. Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
3. My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
4. If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
5. You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light
switch away.
6. I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
7. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta
this here cheap motel room.
8. Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
9. If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
10. Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts
tighten up.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Three elderly doctors have been friends for many years, and one afternoon
at the club they started talking about their final arrangements.
The first, a dentist, says, "When I die, I think I'd like my tombstone to
be shaped like a tooth made of white marble."
"That's a very clever idea," says the cardiologist, "I'd love my
tombstone to be shaped like a heart in red marble."
The urologist is silent for a bit, then says, "I'm thinking about having
my ashes scattered."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree
on his front lawn. He calls animal control and an hour later a man shows
up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun. The animal control employee
tells the man, "I'm here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I'm going
to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla
is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after
anything that falls from the tree and bites their balls which paralyzes
the animal with pain so I can lock him in the truck."
The man says, "Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but
what is the shotgun for?"
The animal control employee says, "Oh, that's for you. In case I fall out
of the tree instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
After years being away from the Church a man begins to feel the spiritual
pull again, so he decides to go to confession. He pulls aside the curtain
on the confessional box, enters and sits himself down.
Inside there is an over-stuffed leather armchair next to a little mini-
bar equipped with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, imported beer on
ice, cigars and a box of liqueur chocolates.
He hears a priest enter the other side of the box. "Father, forgive me.
It's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit
that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out of there, you idiot. You're on my side!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman
spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began
furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.
Having plenty of experience with getting out food stains, I asked, "Can I
bring you some club soda?"
"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to
drink. Bring me another martini!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The
first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg
would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $5,000. The
second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary
was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, "This
situation is right here in the fire schedule rating table.
The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn't it?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered
the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he
started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a
holy man.
"It's O. K.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see
where in the Bible it says it's okay. The priest picks up the Bible off
the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The
hat check girl puts out!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go
to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready
to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter
pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At
home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began,
they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position. The man, moments
later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did
it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit
on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbor came out of the
closet with his hands in the air."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing
one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for
a driver's license and has to take an eye test.
They show him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
"Can you read this?" the optician asks.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know that guy!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If God were a vehicle, what kind of vehicle would he be?
An ice cream truck, because he brings joy to those who discover Him, but
people who follow Him too closely are usually paedophiles.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a
fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the
Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to allow them into Heaven. While
waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple
were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen
if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in
Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter
shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have
any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jessica wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and
one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is
the creator of the universe?" Little Joe was sitting next to Jessica and
decided to poke her with a sharp pencil to wake her up.
Jessica jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her.
A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is
our lord and savior?"
Joe poked Jessica again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher
congratulated her again.
Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th
child?" Joe poked Jessica again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing
in me again, I'll snap it in half and shove it up your ass!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*-- According to Women... Men Are Like... --*
...placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.
...mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
...bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.
...government bonds
they take so long to mature.
...copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.
...lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.
...bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of
interest.
...high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
...curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.
...mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.
...handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The daughter asks her father, "Dad, there is something that my boyfriend
said to me that I didn't understand. He is sooooo in to his cars and said
that 'I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic
bumper.'"
Her dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood and
tries to check your oil, I will tighten his lug nuts so hard that his
headlights will pop out and he will start leaking oil out of his exhaust
pipe."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young
man in a sharp, three-piece tunic. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my
daughter," said the first one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young
attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first woman.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the
other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise King did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the
first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the King's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-
law."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about
who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than
women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this;
when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around,
then pull it out, which feels better--your ear or your finger?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A married woman of 10 years goes to the doctor and complains that her
husband is losing interest in sex.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and
tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner.
So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she's back at the
doctor's.
She says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you
suggested. It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and
dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravishes me
right there on the table."
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize the pill was that strong.
The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"That's okay," she says, "We hardly ever go to that restaurant anyway."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on
customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached
the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two
dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.
To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which
was for the exact cost of the pizza.
"Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.
"Yep," he replied proudly. "not bad for just a walk from the living room
and back!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*-- Top 10 Dog Pet Peeves About Humans --*
- Yelling at me for barking. I am a dog.
- Taking me for a walk then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose
walk is this anyway?
- Any trick balancing food on my nose.
- Yelling at me for rubbing myself on your carpet. Why did you buy
carpet?
- Getting upset when I sniff your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite
mastered the handshake thing yet.
- Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew
your stuff up when you are not home.
- Taking me to the vet for "The big snip", then acting surprised when I
freak out every time we go back.
- Doggie Sweaters.
- The sleight of hand, fake fetch throws. You fooled a dog! What a proud
moment for the top of the food chain.
- Leaving the toilet seat down.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Today marks the 35th anniversary of the death of Sir Douglas Bader and I
couldn't let it pass without this story about the Royal Air Force hero.
He was giving a talk at an upmarket girl's school about his time as a
pilot in the Second World War. "So there were two of the f***ers behind
me, three f***ers to my right, and another f***er on the left," he told
the audience.
The headmistress went pale and interjected: "Ladies, the Fokker was a
German aircraft."
Sir Douglas replied, "That is true, madam, but these f***ers were in
Messerschmitts."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Did you know that my grandfather used to circumcise elephants for a
living? It's true. He told me the wages were poor, but the tips were
enormous.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
From a new survey on sex:
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date
20% of the men had sex in a nontraditional place
36% of the women favor nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
46% of the women experienced anal sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having
anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have
sex in the office at the end of the day.
Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
We found a spider in the house and my girlfriend told me to take it out
instead of killing it. So we went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to
be a lawyer.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When my wife gets upset, sometimes a simple 'Calm down, Honey' in a
soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot more upset.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
"University of Oklahoma," he yelled back.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. She had made her
family's favorite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they had
eaten half of it. The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She
cut herself a slice. Then another, and another. By the time she had
polished off the cake, she knew her husband would be disappointed.
"What did he say when he found out?" one club member asked.
"He never found out," she said. "I made another cake and ate half."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken
Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before
the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she
asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah! So sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade
class."
Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery
School!"
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "That's nothing. I can
remember going to the senior prom with my dad, and coming home
with my mom."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
After having dug to a depth of 1,000 meters last year, French scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network all those
centuries
ago.
Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of
2,000 meters and shortly after headlines in the U. K. newspapers read:
"English archaeologists have found traces of 2,000-year-old fiber-optic
cable and
have concluded that their ancestors had an advanced high-Tech digital
communications network a thousand years earlier than the French."
One week later, Israeli Newspapers reported the following: " After
digging as deep as 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace, scientists
had found
absolutely nothing. They, therefore, concluded that, 5,000 years ago,
Jews were already using wireless technology.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Florida Hurricane Season Notes:
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season in
Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably
wondering what you need to do to prepare for the
possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on
our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your
family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanks-
giving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not
follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay
here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important
hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have
hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap
and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and...
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any
other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most
insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane
insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU
money, and that is certainly not why they got into the
insurance business in the first place.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should
have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether
you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license;
if it says "Florida", you live in a low-lying area.)
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being
trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you
will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from
your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees.
So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane
draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast
of the situation by turning on your television and watching
TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean
and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for
everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise
