A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong. While passing through a Jewish
neighborhood he was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure
enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service
was touching.
As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the door greeting his
congregants. When our Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese rabbi
said...."You're a Jew?"
"Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.
"Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble
getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. The doc
checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough
examination said he wanted to check with the wife.
He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her
to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told
her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and
cough. Finally he said, "Ok, good. You can get dressed now, and I will
talk to your husband."
The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well,
you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an
erection either."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and declares,
"Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I
broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want
to forget that it ever happened!"
The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says. "Not again..."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man is driving his five year old to a friend's house when another car
races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident.
"Douche-bag!" the father yells.
A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to
face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry
at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But
just because I said it, it doesn't make it right, and I don't ever want
to hear you saying it. Is that clear?"
His son looks at him and says, "Too late, douche-bag."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their
drinks from the bartender.
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender: "What is a B and C?"
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
How To Tell When Foods Go Bad
ICE CREAM: If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and
your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.
FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the
defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled
(or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.
Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage
cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular
cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway - if you can dig down and still
find something non-green, bon appetit!
MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-
block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.
BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable
"spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy
and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that
your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You
may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in
pharmaceuticals.
CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be
discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or
when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.
FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open
it.
PRETZELS: Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no
longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to
stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4,000 years
ago.
RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.
THE GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for
leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw
away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry
foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit
by having a calendar in your kitchen.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the Bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to
the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something
had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked
the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
One day a boy comes home from school and says, "Dad I need to know the
meaning of hypothetically and realistically for school."
The father replies, "OK, go ask your mother if she would sleep with a
strange man for 1 million dollars."
So the little boy goes and asks and sure enough she says yes.
His dad says, "Now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a strange
man for a million dollars."
He does and sure enough she says yes.
So the father says, "You see son, hypothetically we are sitting on 2
million bucks, but realistically we are living with a couple of whores."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I just read that on average, an adult U.S. male will have sex two to
three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two
times a year.
This is very upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was Japanese!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Three guys are debating which of their languages is the most pleasing to
the ear.
The Italian says, "Consider the phrase, 'I love you.' In Italian, it is:
'Ti amo'. What a lovely sound!"
The French guy says, "True, but in French it is 'Je t'adore'. An even
more beautiful sound!"
"Unt vat's wrong vit: 'Ick leiber dick?" asks the German.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve
minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in
and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into
the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just
be a second."
A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this
relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender
notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now.
You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece
suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: "You're looking pretty
sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." Sure
enough, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au
naturel.
Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins
to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. So, C goes to
trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and
sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional
facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found
innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to
the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so
patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto
much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during the
year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he
needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
He makes no contribution to the running or maintenance of the house.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these
accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses what- soever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out, work hard, and earn
a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick
in the head...
I think my dog might be in Congress!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem. After the
visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?"
"My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the physician.
"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!"
"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to
three hundred."
"Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."
"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"
"Who has that kind of money?"
"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me a hundred
and get out of my office, okay?"
"I can give you fifty," says the man. "Take it or leave it."
"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most
expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?"
"Listen, Doctor," says the patient, "When it comes to my health, nothing
is too expensive!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
On a recent trip to Washington, D.C., my brother-in-law overheard a
patriotic father pointing out a well-known building to his son. "You see
that triangular-shaped octagon over there? That's the Pentagon."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In the bar the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do
if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bathtub. The answer, of
course, being...throw in your wash.
We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped
me on the shoulder and said, "I don't find that very funny. My brother
was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits."
I said, "I Sorry, buddy. Did he drown?"
"No," he replied, "He choked on a sock."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jack goes to his friend Joe and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's
wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?"
Joe doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees.
After the service, Joe starts talking to the minister, asking him all
sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Joe what he's really up to.
Joe, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. "My friend is
sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a couple of seconds, smiles, puts a brotherly
hand on Joe's shoulder and says, "If I were you I'd hurry home right now.
Because my wife died a year ago."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*-- Bizarre Town Names --*
Horneytown, North Carolina
Whynot, North Carolina
Hicksville, Ohio
Knockemstiff, Ohio
Slaughterville, Oklahoma
Idiotville, Oregon
Virginville, Pennsylvania
Sweet Lips, Tennessee
Ding Dong, Texas
Looneyville, Texas
Butts, Virginia
Imalone, Wisconsin
Toad Suck, Texas
Intercourse, Pennsylvania
Unalaska, Alaska
French Lick, Indiana
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Physics 101
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1
lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital: 1 I.V. League
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
This legend, the truth of which is not necessarily related to its value,
concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of
Copenhagen: "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a
barometer."
One student replied: "Tie a long piece of string to the neck of the
barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to
the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer
will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was
failed immediately.
He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and
the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The
arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display
any noticeable knowledge of physics.
To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow
him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least
a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought.
The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student
replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make
up his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper,
drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground.
The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H =
0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer,
then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure
the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is simple matter
of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a
short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum,
first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height
is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T =
2 pi sq root(l / g).
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be
easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in
barometer lengths, then add them up.
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you
could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the
skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars
into feet to give the height of the building.
"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of
mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to
knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new
barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this
building'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for
Physics.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one morning when
he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital
and peppered with questions.
"Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic.
"No," John whispered. "I quit."
"That's good. When did you quit?"
"Around 9:30 this morning."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man and his friend were exiting a drugstore and at the front door there
was a scale.
"Look, a scale," the man said to his friend. "Let's see how my new diet
is working out."
He stepped on the scale.
"I can't believe it!" he said as he read the result. "I've been on this
diet for two weeks but the scale says I'm heaver than I was before! How
can that be?"
He pondered this as he stepped off the scale, then had a thought. He took
off his jacket and handed it to his friend. "Here, hold my jacket," he
said.
The friend took the jacket as the man stepped back on the scale.
Not much change.
"Here," he said as he handed his purchase from the drugstore to his
friend. "Hold my Twinkies too."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us
stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed
the first and explained our situation.
After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end
said, "I don't know what you expect me to do for you; I'm a
psychologist."
"A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency
number. Can't you help us?"
"Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about
being stuck in an elevator?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I was reading an article last night about fathers and daughters and
memories came flooding back of the time I took my daughter out for her
first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house. I
got her a Fosters. She didn't like it...so I had it.
Then I got her a Carling Black Label, she didn't like it... so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider. By the time we
got down to the Scotch I could hardly push the stroller back home.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"My invention can detect human stupidity. It has a very simple interface.
All I do is point it at people."
"Then what does it do?"
"Why would it need to do anything else?"
--Dogbert, Dilbert
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last week we went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'Well, I have some
memory issues, and can't quite remember, but the doctor gave me an
exercise I can use to help me out called association. For instance, what
is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The
one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'That's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and
yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
THE MODERN TOOLBOX:
Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones
enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a
professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to
change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage
estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when
you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two
weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools.
Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase
testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you
point it at yourself.
Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the
incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow
over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight
anyway.
Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90%
over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.
Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing
the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the
resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you
accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're
doing or offer advice.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and,
because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his
luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat.
After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he
had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the
clerk on duty, "My name is Henry Davis, can you please tell me what room
I am in?"
"Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A Swiss guy in New York is looking for directions, so he pulls up at a
bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.
The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns
to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign
language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do
him any good."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Little Johnny's mother overheard him reciting his homework: "Two plus
two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is
eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch..."
"Johnny!" shouted his mother. "Watch your language! You're not allowed to
use those kinds of words."
"But, Mom," replied the boy, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she
said to recite it out loud till we learned it."
Next day Johnny's mother called the teacher to complain. "Oh, heavens,"
said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to
say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.'"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up
the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what
your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably golfing with his buddies."
It took 5 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. Fighting; 2. Fleeing; 3.
Feeding; and 4. Mating."
--Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Conswelo, a Mexican maid announced to her boss, Mrs. Blanco that she was
quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I'm in the family way."
The wife was totally surprised and shocked, and asked who the father
could be.
The maid replied, "Your husband and your son."
Mrs. Blanco was mortified and demanded an explanation.
"Well," Conswelo explained, "I go to the library to clean it and your
husband say, 'You are in the way'. I go to the living room to clean and
your son say 'You are in my way'. So I'm in the family way and I quit."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in
which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or
unexpected, frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right--only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency,
Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder
for me to find one now.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection. The
husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer
password. "Start with a capital S, then 123," she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn't work. So we called the wife
in. As she input the password, she muttered, "I really don't know what's
so difficult about typing 'Start123.'"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year ... not to cause
any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the
local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming
and yelling like the passengers in his car.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would
eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom
until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body ... men are so
polite they only look at the covered parts.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live
longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and
wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to
fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's
your common sense leaving your body.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool
and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance..... We'll see
about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her
computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on
the ground for maximum damage.
I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the
mirror.
Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You're not fat, you're just ... easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of
payments.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be
when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a
billionaire, go to the
most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth
over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a
jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while
banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible
response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and
simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Johnny’s whore."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Someone asked me, "Now that you're retired, do you still have a job?"
I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."
Somewhat confused, they said, "What do you mean by that?"
"Very simple," I said, "The wife told me that when she wants my fucking
advice, she'll ask me for it."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line
between any Two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those
two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of
his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked
out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
Out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,
when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of
my dick to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had
received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which
he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the
Chief's dick and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
"Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, " Vietnam ".
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Two women were playing golf. One teed off, hit a cracking drive, and
watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at
his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please
let me to help. I'm a Physio-Therapist and I know I can relieve your pain
if you'd allow me."
"Oh, no, don't touch it! Maybe the swelling will go down in a few
minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal
position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her
persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his
hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her
hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, "There. Now how does that feel?"
"Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*-- New Year Resolutions for Pets --*
15. I will not eat other animals' poop.
14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the
coffee table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition
in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or
they'll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much
food is *too* much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December
31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND
