On our way to the ski hill, my friend's children decided to "find me a
man" by the end of the day.
The kids did their best to let it be known I was unmarried and to
introduce me to anyone who was skiing alone and therefore, in their
minds, single.
To my great relief they finally got bored with their mission and charged
off on their own. I then made my way to the chair lift. As I moved near
the front of the line, a gentleman close to my age said "Excuse me, but
are you single?"
Groaning inwardly, I said, "Yes, but despite what you may have heard, I'm
really not looking to get married."
He looked at me oddly. "All I want is someone to share the chair lift
with."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were Everybody,
Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.
Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that
Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that
Nobody would do it.
So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody
could have done in the first place.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating
furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing
that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained: "I'm very sorry
that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where
his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least
five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily
rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed
while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan. "
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they
drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.
I don't like making plans for the day because then the word
"premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met
yet!
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown
up, it just feels like a small vacation!
The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down,
I'll remember it."
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs
work.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no"
which is shorter than "yes."
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do
that second week.
Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me
to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O'Hare airport in Chicago.
Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10
meal ticket, or "chit." That evening after dinner I presented my meal
ticket to the cashier.
"Is this chit worth $10?" I asked.
Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, "I'm sorry, sir. Was the
meal that bad?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some
friends and have ome hot Wings and ice tea.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress
I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators".I'm old, I'm tired,
and I pee a lot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As Reynoldo lit the votive candle at the grotto for San Jose de los
Platanos and prayed for the healthy delivery of his first child, he heard
a disembodied voice say, "Your daughter will be 17 inches long," to which
Reynoldo replied,
"Do you know the weight too, San Jose?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for
membership at a local golf club.
About a week later he received a letter that his application has been
rejected. He went to the club to inquire as to why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scottish Jew: Aye, but I'm as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is
MacTavishstien.
Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.
Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scottish Jew: Aye, and neither do I.
Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam
room?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I also do the same.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I be that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel
comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are
different from theirs.
Scottish Jew: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with
the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the
Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have
to be a complete prick to join a golf club!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked
Him to forgive me.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up
the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what
your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably golfing with his buddies."
It took 5 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up
out of his ashtray.
"And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third
wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish
was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your
first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it
was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've
always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on
inside their heads."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever,
"That was your first wish, too!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was
big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier
with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.
The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked all the
equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked
both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked
her right in the chin.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender:
"Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows
the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he
has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for
everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows
instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender
slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except
the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no.
You get violent when you drink."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
At a house of ill repute in Miami, there walked in a rather dignified,
well-dressed, looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000
a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and
gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a
row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still
$10,000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded
that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and
they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, "St. Louis."
"Really," she said. "I have family in St. Louis."
"I know," the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She
asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance."
The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in
wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronising smirk we all know and love, asked, “What's your hurry?”
To which she replied, “I'm late for work.”
“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “what do you do?”
“I'm a rectum stretcher” she responded.
The cop stammered, “A what”????
“A rectum stretcher!”
“And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then
work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole
hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then
I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet”
“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” he asked
“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Some of my friends started a company built around an innovative idea for
an online business. A debate broke out about what to name the venture.
"We have to call it Imagination," one passionate participant cried out.
Everyone thought the idea over for a minute, and then a voice of reason
replied, "Are you sure you want your business card to read 'Imagination,
Limited'?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bill and Frank, two old friends, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Frank didn't show up. Bill didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Frank hadn't shown up for a
week or so, Bill really got worried. However, since the only time they
ever got together was at the park, Bill didn't know where Frank lived, so
he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Bill figured he had seen the last of Frank, but
one day, Bill approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat
Frank! Bill was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then
he said, 'For crying out loud Frank, what in the world happened to you?
Frank replied, 'I have been in jail.”
'Jail!' cried Bill. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Frank said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at
the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Bill, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 95 years old, I
was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury'.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband, "Have you ever
seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of
her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage, created by a soft,
silky, pushup bra, and, pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt, letting it
drop to the floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled
out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little
quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she
replied:
"Go look in the garage."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Signs of the times
Sign in a Shoe Repair Store:
"We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you."
Over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right
place."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The
smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; We were the same
size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well, " said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you, " replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to
unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the
shit out of them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the
shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a
briefcase.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell
wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
POLL: Help Name the New Walmart Wine - Wally Wine Coming Soon! Make YOUR
Vote Count!
The world's largest retail chain - Walmart (Wally World) wants to produce
their own brand of vino spirits at an affordable price. So Wal-Mart
customers will soon be able to sample their newest discount item - Wal-
Mart's very own brand of wine.
So help name this new brand of Walmart Wine with your vote from the top
ten in the poll below. So far it looks like 'Nasty Spumanti' is in the
lead. You agree? Vote below.
What would be the best name for this new Walmart Wine?
Chateau Traileur Parc
I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
Grape Expectations
Nasti Spumante
White Trashfindel
Bored Doe
Redneck Riesling
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A woman was sipping on a glass of wine with her husband and she says, "I
love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without you."
Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A woman and a man were involved in a bad car accident. Both cars were
totalled, but amazingly, neither of them were hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at
our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unharmed. This
must be a sign that we should meet and be friends, and live together in
peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "Oh yes! I agree with you completely. This must be a
sign!"
The woman continued ... " and look at this, here's another miracle. My
car is completely ruined, but look at this bottle of wine that did not
even break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune."
So she hands the bottle to the man. The man opens it and drinks half the
bottle and then hands it back to her.
She takes the bottle and puts the cap back on, handing it back to the
man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No thanks. I think I'll just wait for the police."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Teacher in email to the students: "... Some of you even ignored [my
suggestions] entirely. A good rule of thumb for essays (on viewing
sheets or exams) is called the "mini-skirt rule" - they should be long
enough to cover what needs to be covered and short enough to be
interesting. For many of you, your essays were more comparable to an
"elderly, overweight man in a Speedo" - your essays were way too short,
didn't cover much at all, and some were just sad and pathetic. This
assignment was designed to be an easy grad and pull up your midterm and
pop quiz grades. I helped the class with answers to the short
answer...."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A priest had the weight of the world on his shoulders and was showing the
effects. The church sent him to a psychiatrist, who ordered him to take a
week off. So the priest left his religious paraphernalia behind him and
went to a neighboring city. He got himself a nice room and went to the
hotel bar to relax with a couple stiff drinks.
A waitress in a short skirt and low-cut uniform came over and asked,
"What'll it be, Father?"
The priest felt to see if he was still wearing his collar by mistake, but
he had none on.
"How did you know I'm a priest?" he asked.
The waitress said, "I'm Sister Mary Margaret. We go to the same
psychiatrist!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all
the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and
the male dormitory to the females.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be
fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.
Are there any questions?"
At this point, a older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass???"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The phone rang. Startled at getting a call so late, the woman picked it
up.
She heard heavy breathing, and then a hoarse voice whispered in her ear,
"I bet you have a tight ass with no hair."
"Why, yeah," the woman said. "He's drinking beer and watching TV. Who
shall I say is calling?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I bought a cute girl a drink at a bar, and she ended up giving it to her
boyfriend. At first I was pissed, but it was funny watching him drink
that roofie.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When my wife came home yesterday afternoon to find the kitchen and living
room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the
couch having done nothing but eat chips and watch TV all afternoon.
She shook her finger at me, "You better watch this lazy attitude you've
had lately, mister, or you're gonna to make me do something I'll regret!"
"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of
this."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in
which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or
unexpected, frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right--only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency,
Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder
for me to find one now.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $100
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and
beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who
gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The old biker replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a
stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes
wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up
a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it
was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat
trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she
purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day
and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin,
not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body
is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming...that was me."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd
eventually find me attractive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the
other 80 percent are glad you have them.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Mattea has
all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino. After a few
minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's Rosolino,
leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his ankles, and Olson is
banging away from behind.
Chief Mattea says, "What the hell is going on?"
Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation."
The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to-
mouth resuscitation!"
Olson says, "I did, Chief. That's how this shit got started."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A therapist has a theory that the more often couples make love, the
happier they are. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled,
"How many people here make love 2 to 3 times a week?" Half the people
raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. "How about once a week?"
A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less
vibrant. "Once a month?" A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, "OK,
how about once a year?"
One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The
therapist is shocked as this lone aberration disproves his theory. "If
you make love only once a year," he asks, "what are you so happy about?"
The man yells, "Today's the day!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the
unemployment office. When asked his occupation, the first guy said,
"Panty stitcher...I sew the elastic onto women's panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher in her table. Finding it classed as
unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied.
Diesel fitter is listed as a skilled job, so the clerk gave the second
guy $600 a week. When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed
into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting
double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled, and diesel fitters
are skilled labor."
"What skill?!" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic, and he
pulls on it and says, "Yep, dese'll fit 'er."
