Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't
seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his
cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My
friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice
replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The
immigration officer asks: 'Occupation?'
The German replies: 'No, just a holiday.'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A farmer was quoted in the Town Gazette as having "2,008 pigs." He showed
up the next morning to declare to the editor,
"That's a misprint! I didn't say I have 2,008 pigs. I told your reporter
that I have 2 sows and 8 pigs."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a
little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts
fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the
girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, 'You are a
hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers, 'Brave New Yorker
saves the life of little girl'.
The man says, 'But I am not a New Yorker!'
'Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning, "Brave American saves
life of little girl",' the policeman answers.
'But I am not an American!' says the man.
'Oh, what are you then?'
'The man says: - 'I am a Saudi!'
The next day the newspapers says, 'Islamic extremist kills innocent
American dog.'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management
training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the
need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.
"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of
them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is
a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh,
that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of
the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver
just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go
on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
2. "I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it
was a shitzu."
3. "Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next
day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of
bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the
blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
5. "I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He
said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one
off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The
ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'". He said:
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome". "Is it common?"I asked. "It's not
unusual" he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got
anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never
knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to
pull a fast one".
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in
Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself
to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they
are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this
thing?"
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love
the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband".
18. "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see
about that."
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance
caller", he said "Not you again".
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is
this some kind of joke?"
24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve
food in here"
25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her
up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get
the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand
chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said, "Are you two an item?"
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with
a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I
asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't
want your type in here"
33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a
complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled
onions".
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter
past four.
37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the
packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the
buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell
out!"
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,
What a turtle disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me
and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that
we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"
40. I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.
43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a
catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it
was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
49. A seal walks into a club...
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to
Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed
at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I
think I’m going crazy. "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said
the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be
able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty
dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I’ll sleep on it and if needed I
will come back to you," I said. Six months later the Psychiatrist met me
on the street. "Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were
having?" he asked. "Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a
year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so
happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did
a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed ain’t
nobody under there now!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher
picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds
sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be
left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well,
the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're
thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were
three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone,
the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which
one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one
sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding
ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His
father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you
for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing
the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!"
says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a
cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and
then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little
Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or
do you want me to?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go
home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their
story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday
we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at
the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out
of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of
the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little
Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the
chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of
the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the
story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next
up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his
plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it
crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the
middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but
then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20
more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten
with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After
clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this
story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been
drinking."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so
for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents
what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up
to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a
while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is
Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby
brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little
Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it
better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went
off to bed. In the middleof the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his
baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that
his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went
to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom,
he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep.
Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, buthis dad wasn't
there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's
room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was
surprised, but then he just realized somethingand thinks aloud, "OH!!
Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work
force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the
future is in deep shit!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new
recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having
a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the
recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in
the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained
the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If
you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government
has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI
insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has
to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think
they are going to send into battle first?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer..
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 2 years later. Judy *again*,
remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Mary:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Mary replied:....
"I think he means her legs, Ethel..."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before
passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still
a virgin."
The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been
married three times before."
The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he
wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all
he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp
collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, how I miss him!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Pharaoh was dictating, and his scribe was busily chipping away at the
stone tablet. "I have plans . . . to form," the monarch said slowly, "a
personal bodyguard . . . of stalwart . . .and virile . . . young men."
The chips flew, but then suddenly ceased flying, and the perspiring
chiseler looked up inquiringly, "Excuse me, your Divineness, but is
virile spelled with one or two testicles?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Slang From Down Under
One in the departure lounge: The need to defecate imminently.
Picasso Arse: A woman, whose panties are too small for her, so she looks
like she has four buttocks.
Starfish Trooper or Arsetronaut: A homosexual.
Swamp Donkey: A deeply unattractive woman.
Tart Fuel or Bitch Piss: Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed
by young women.
Titanic: A woman who goes down first time out.
Todger Dodger: A lesbian.
Up on blocks: Menstruating or otherwise out of action, like a car in a
garage. "I don't thin I'm in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on
blocks."
Airplane Blonde: One who has bleached or dyed her hair blonde but still
has a black box.
Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French kiss, but given down under.
Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a
booze cruise at three in the morning.
Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home
after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you
live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
Breaking The Seal: Your first piss in the pub, usually after two hours of
drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the
toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
Bruce Lee: An erect nipple.
Budgie's Tongue, Small Man In A Boat, or Tongue Punchbag: The female
erection.
Double Bass: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from
behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her
Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when
playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly
different.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Raffle Winner
'Tell me, Ronan, how did you manage to get so very drunk last night?'
asked the parish priest.
'Well you see, Father, it was like this. I got into very bad company
after winning a bottle of whiskey at a raffle.'
'But you were with Mick McGahey, Ryan O'Toole, and Patrick McCann and
they don't drink.'
'Dat's what I mean, Father...'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's flat in Dungarvan
when Sean O'Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and
drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing
standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys,
someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws.
Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and
gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.' Discreet? I'm the most
discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave
it to me.' announces Cavan.
He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door.
Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: 'Your
husband just lost €700 and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda.' I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Lady Interviewer: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 1/2 a bottle of whisky.
Lady Interviewer: How much does whisky cost?
Man: Roughly $30.00.
Lady Interviewer: How long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 30 years
Lady Interviewer: That means you have spent roughly $150,000 on booze.
Man: OK
Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink you
could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No
Man: So where is your Ferrari?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A recent article in the Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has
sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery
there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in
Ophthalmology all we did was correct his eyesight."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man walks into a pharmacy with his 11-year old son. They happen to walk
by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad? To which
the man matter-of-factly replies,
'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.'
'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health
class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3
and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for
Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.'
'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these
for?'
'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12
pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for
married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March.....'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small
fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his
usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands up on her hair and
starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What
makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What
does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as
people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are
dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of
humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little shit on your
lap."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'
he auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet..'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so
he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that
he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy
about it!'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Two old Jewish guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one
morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short
of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him
what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf,
it'll be hard."
The old man says to himself, "I can't believe everybody knows about this
shit but me."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A real woman is a man's best friend
She will never stand him up or let him down
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad
day
She will inspire him to do things he thought he could never do; to live
without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his
most intimate desires.
She will make him feel as if he was the most handsome man in the room.
And enable him to be most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible...
No wait..Sorry... I was thinking of whiskey. That's what whiskey does.
Nevermind
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs
back home.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out
of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth
drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , The Red
Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first
two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me
favourite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll
buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like,actually. Then,
when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you
get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen
to me sister quite a few times."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,
her father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not
even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer
ol’ mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... dad... I became a
prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace
to this Catholic family.'
'OK, dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a £5 million savings
certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a
breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board
my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says the dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! My goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant! Come here and give yer ol’ dad a hug!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A chicken farmer went to the local bar, sat down next to a woman and
ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."
"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, "It is a special day
for me...I'm celebrating."
"It is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating!" said the woman.
"What a coincidence," said the farmer.
While they toasted, the man asked. "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today
my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."
"What a coincidence," said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years
all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized
eggs."
"This is awesome," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to
become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster," the farmer said.
The woman smiled and said. "What a coincidence."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A father buys a lie-detecting robot that slaps people when they lie. He
decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
"Ok! Ok! I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." And the robot slaps him again.
The son says, "Alright, already! We were watching porn."
"What!?" Yells Dad. "At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot promptly slaps Dad.
"Ha!" laughs Mom, "he certainly is your son."
And the robot slaps the mom.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't
allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the room a voice called out, "Yeah? So, what are the
words?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A girl goes into a bank with a big sack full of quarters to deposit. The
teller said "girl you must have been hoarding these quarters." The girl
said "well yes but I only whored half of them. My sister whored the other
half."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man is driving his five year old to a friend's house when another car
races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident.
"Douche-bag!" the father yells.
A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to
face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry
at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But
just because I said it, it doesn't make it right, and I don't ever want
to hear you saying it. Is that clear?"
His son looks at him and says, "Too late, douche-bag."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
One of our female members, who shall remain nameless, took a vacation to
France some years ago with one of her girl-friends.
Her husband drove her to the airport and wished her a good trip. The wife
asked, "Would you like me to bring something back for you?"
The husband laughed and says, "How about a French girl!"
Our lady kept quiet, didn't respond and went into the terminal.
Two weeks later her husband picked her up at the airport and asked, "So,
honey, how was the trip?"
"Really great, I loved Paris."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?"
"What I asked for....the French girl?"
"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait nine months
to see if it's a girl."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that
says..."If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER." So, I call
them and say, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I
do?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
My doctor said I was paranoid... well, he didn't actually say it, but I
could tell he was thinking it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What is the difference between frustration and panic?
Frustration is the first time you discover you can't do it the second
time.
Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first time.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women
hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day
he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"
So Bubba replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always
whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I
can screw 'em for hours!"
The coach went home early one day and went to the bedroom. He heard his
wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his
clothes and started banging it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you Bubba?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long,
long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he
was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,
using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to theWestern Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and
to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the
people ahead of their own interests.."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fucking Brick wall."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
At our local funeral home families are given the chance to chose the
music they would like to enter the service to.
One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me Tender."
The day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the
family to walk in to the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and
the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two major
categories:
(1) Not enough.
(2) Too much.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
According to a new survey about sex, 51 percent of people said they would
consider having sex for money if the amount offered was large enough.
The average woman said the amount would have to be at least $35,000.
The average man, on the other hand, said, "How much change do you have on
you?"