HOLLYWOOD SQUARES
These great questions and answers are from the days when game show
responses were
spontaneous and clever, not scripted and dull as they are now. Peter
Marshall was the host
asking the questions.
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and hard it took
up almost 15 minutes of the show.)
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how
high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes . . .
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
he's really attractive,
is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the apartment next
door.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while you are
talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter, and
I'll give you a
gesture you'll never forget!
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during your
first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing
strawberries!
Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics.
What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm ALWAYS safe in the bedroom.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a
lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting, "Poo! Poo!
Poo!" What does that
mean?
A: George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected!
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he
trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: James Stewart did it over 20 years ago, when he was 41 years old. Now
he says it was
"one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen
them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charlie Weaver: His feet.
Q: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start
having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why?
A: Paul Lynde: He's out of town
Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie,
'What's The Matter With Helen?' Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver-that's why they asked the question
Q: What are 'dual-purpose cattle' good for that other cattle aren't?
A: Paul Lynde: They give milk ... and cookies, but I don't recommend the
cookies
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him
Q: Robert Young recently stated, 'I never, never give ...' something to
his fans who ask for it. What?
A: Paul Lynde: A hysterectomy
Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years
old. Now he says it was 'one of the best things I ever did. What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet
Q: Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very
important. What?
A: Paul Lynde: An engagement ring
Q: According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than
drinking. What?
A: Charley Weaver: Not drinking
Q: When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something behind.
What?
A: Paul Lynde: A masked baby
Q: True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running
toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them
A: Charley Weaver: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests
Q: You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the
Kabuki. Why?
A: Paul Lynde: It was a long plane ride
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how
high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman? Don Knotts: A: That's what's been keeping me awake
Q: Is there any such thing as an F cup in bra sizes?
A: Paul Lynde: Yes, it sleeps four
Q: True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than
they do in their pajamas? A: Paul Lynde: Yes. We call them winos
Q: According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons?
A: Paul Lynde: No. You should dress warmly
Q: According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about
sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Where can I get some?
Q: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you
try to break him of his habit?
A: Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn
Q: Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
A: Paul Lynde: Yes, but it still won't go up to your apartment.
Q: Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party
and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and
ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get
older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: Peter Marshall: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say
"I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the
gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
A: Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.
Q: Peter Marshall: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q: Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less
with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and
I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q: Peter Marshall: According to Zsa Zsa, does black look sexy on a woman?
A: Redd Foxx: I wouldn't have it any other way.
Q: Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other
cattle aren't?
A: Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend the
cookies!
Q: Peter Marshall: If you find someone lying unconscious in the street,
should you do anything?
A: George Goebel: I'd probably crawl around him I guess.
Q: Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Peter Marshall: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are
you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing
strawberries!
Q: Peter Marshall: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: Peter Marshall: Eddie, according to the Institute of Motivational
Research, a wife should be beware if another woman takes an interest in a
certain item of her husband's clothing. What item?
A: Ed Asner: Well, shorts immediately springs to my mind.
Q: Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects
at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q: Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in
this country?
A: Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.
Q: Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in
the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q: Peter Marshall: Can boys join the camp fire girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his
tail.æ What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: Peter Marshall: True or false, George...experts say there are only
seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
A: George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.
Q: Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you
give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with
getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have
more than one daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
Q: Peter Marshall: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting
"Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Q: Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body,
what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
Q: Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than
150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q: Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put
horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Peter Marshall: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would
like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a
while. Why?
A: Paul Lynde: He's out of town.
Q: Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters
star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.
Q: Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your
wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: Peter Marshall: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its
sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: Peter Marshall: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was
forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever
did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
Q: Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly
believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q: Peter Marshall: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should
be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water.
Q: Peter Marshall: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you
probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q: Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling
to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
A: Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.
Q: Peter Marshall: At NASA, what keeps the cool air running around in the
spacesuits?
A: Paul Lynde: Itsy Bitsy Eskimoes....
Q: Peter Marshall: According to Better Homes and Gardens, Is it a good
idea to give your yard a light sprinkle?
A: Michael Landon: ...well, if you can't make it to the house, I mean...
Q: Peter Marshall: What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other
cattle aren't?
A: Paul Lynde: They give milk... and cookies, but I don't recommend the
cookies.
Q: Peter Marshall: According to Amy Vanderbilt, what is the maximum
length of time you and your fiancé should be engaged?
A: Rose Marie: Engaged in what?
Q: Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently said, "I am sorry. I am sorry
for them both." Who was he referring to?
A: Paul Lynde: His fans.
Q: Peter Marshall: On what night is a woman most likely to be molested?
A: Rose Marie: With my luck, it's probably tonight - and I'm working.
Q: Peter Marshall: Your sheep has a temperature of 102. Is she normal?
A: Burt Reynolds: People think I'm not normal because I keep taking her
temperature.
Q: Peter Marshall: Why is the booby bird called the booby bird?
A: Karen Valentine: Because they have big... feet.
Q: Peter Marshall: You're a 71-year-old man who has lost interest in sex.
Does your doctor have anything to help you?
A: Charley Weaver: No, but his nurse does.
Q: Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Peter Marshall: You're a shy, bashful girl. According to "Cosmo," will
you probably be helped in overcoming your shyness by choosing an
extroverted, outgoing husband?
A: Rose Marie: Gosh, Pete, I did that once and his wife caught us.
Q: Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than
150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q: Peter Marshall: True or false, George: experts say there are only
seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
A: George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.
Q: Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters
star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver. That's why they asked the question.
Q: Peter Marshall: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was
forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever
did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
Q: Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling
to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
A: Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.
Q: Peter Marshall: According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your
persimmons?
A: Paul Lynde: No. You should dress warmly.
Q: Peter Marshall: Can boys join the Campfire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: Peter Marshall: Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to her grandma's
house. On her way there, she stopped to get something for her grandma. To
get what?
A: Paul Lynde: Feen-a-mints.
Q: Peter Marshall: Say Paul, what is the official currency of Puerto
Rico?
A: Paul Lynde: Food Stamps.
Q: Peter Marshall: According to the IRS, out of every 10 Americans
audited, how many end up paying more taxes?
A: Paul Lynde: 11.
Q: Peter Marshall: According to FEMA, people from Florida should be
prepared for hurricanes and people from the Midwest should be prepared
for floods. What should people from California be prepared for?
A: Charley Weaver: The people from Florida and the people from the
Midwest.
Q: Peter Marshall: According to a recent medical study, sex can be
harmful to a certain part of the body. Which part?
Jan Murray: I'm sorry, what? I couldn't hear the question. A little
louder, please?
Peter Marshall: According to a recent medical study, sex can be harmful
to a certain part of the body...
A: Jan Murray: Six? Six can hurt a body? Oh, SEX... I remember. I'll say
the eyes because I read about it so much.
Q: Peter Marshall: Charley, how many balls are on a pool table in a
standard game of 8-ball?
A: Charley Weaver: How many men are on the table?
Q: Peter Marshall: In the Shakespearean play "King Lear", King Lear had
three of them - Goneril, Cordelia, and Regan? Who were they?
A: Paul Lynde: King Lear had Goneril?
Q: Peter Marshall: When Henry Kissinger recently visited Japan, he went
to a geisha house. Now, how did he spend his time in the geisha house?
A: Paul Lynde: Oh, negotiating for peace (piece).
Q: Peter Marshall: Will humming help your tennis game?
A: Florence Henderson: Will humming help my tennis game? Sure, why not?
It takes your mind off your balls, or something.
Q: Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been
intimate with in my life has been...” what?
A: Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.
Q: Peter Marshall: Whose motto is "Do Your Best"?
A: Paul Lynde: I guess we can rule out Jimmy Carter...
Q: Peter Marshall: Back in the 1870s, Emile Berliner invented something,
and without it, I wouldn't be able to do my job. What was it?
A: Paul Lynde: Let's see... toupees? Facelifts? Contact lenses?
Peter Marshall: Now cut that out!
Paul Lynde: ...Makeup? Capped teeth? Loud sports jackets?
[Sesame Street's Oscar the Grouch is the Secret Square, and the
contestant wins it]
Q: Peter Marshall: Oscar, you've made a man very happy...
A: Oscar the Grouch: I'm sorry to hear that.
Q: Peter Marshall: True or false, Paul - Gypsy folklore says that God
created man by baking him in an oven.
A: Paul Lynde: [turns and looks at Leslie Uggams] Looks like you were
overcooked.
[Leslie Uggams laughed so hard she was lying across the desk. She then
she got up, walked over to Paul, smacked him on his shoulder, and walked
back to her square laughing along with all the stars and the audience]
Q: Peter Marshall: Rich, what land animal has the largest eyes?
A: Rich Little: [doing his impersonation of her] Why, that would be Carol
Channing!
Q: Peter Marshall: What's the one thing you should never do in bed?
A: Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!
Q: Peter Marshall: In "The Wizard Of Oz", the Tin Man wanted a heart, and
the Lion wanted courage. What did the Straw Man want?
A: Paul Lynde: He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.
Q: Peter Marshall: True or false: According to columnist Bert Bacharach,
people tend to start shrinking a little after age 30.
A: Paul Lynde: Did you know that Rose Marie is standing up right now in
her cubicle?
Rose Marie: [to Paul] OH, SHUT UP!
Q: Peter Marshall: Oscar, how's your life?
A: Oscar the Grouch: Well, it's actually miserable
Peter Marshall: Ohhh.
Oscar the Grouch: But I like being miserable; that makes me happy.
Peter Marshall: It does, doesn't it?
A: Oscar the Grouch: But I don't like being happy, so that makes me
miserable.
Q: Peter Marshall: True or false, having a good memory is a sign of a
well-adjusted personality.
A: Karen Valentine: What was the question?
[the loud horn sounds to signify time running out on the nighttime show]
Q: Peter Marshall: Let me explain what that means...
A: Big Bird: Don't look at me!
Q: Peter Marshall: You're in an airplane and you've developed engine
trouble. What do you traditionally say over the radio?
A: Buddy Hackett: "What the f*ck am I doing here?"
[another Secret Square is won courtesy of Oscar the Grouch]
Q: Peter Marshall: Oscar, aren't you proud again? You've made a woman
happy...
A: Oscar the Grouch: No! I'm not supposed to *help* people!
[Oscar groans]
[Big Bird is picked and turns out to be the Secret Square]
Q: Peter Marshall: Did you ever dream that one day you'd be worth 94
hundred dollars?
A: Big Bird: Gosh! I was excited about 63 cents!
Q: Peter Marshall: Paul, does Ann Landers think there is anything wrong
with you if you do your housework in the nude?
A: Paul Lynde: No, but I have to be terribly careful when I do my
ironing.
Demond Wilson: What do you like for breakfast?
[Peter Marshall starts to speak]
A: Demond Wilson: [sternly] Don't tell me "grits"!
Big Bird: [describing Oscar the Grouch] He may be grouchy on the outside,
but inside beats a heart of stone.
Q: Peter Marshall: At a recent hearing, opponents of flourinated water
argued that too much flourine in a person's system can cause an
uncontrolable desire for sex.
A: Paul Lynde: [excitedly] HEY, CULLIGAN MAN!
Q: Peter Marshall: Wally, what is the signature phrase of the cartoon
character Underdog?
[Cox was voice of Underdog for the duration of the cartoon's airings]
A: Wally Cox: Where are my residuals?
Q: Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, you husband, Edgar, is
talking in his sleep. Should you be upset if he talks about his
secretary?
A: Joan Rivers: And how... his secretary is a guy!
Q: Peter Marshall: In baseball, there's a special name for the area
between a player's knees and his armpits.
A: Paul Lynde: [referring to a certain jingle] Aren't you glad? Aren't
you glad? *Aren't you glad... * he used Dial?
Peter Marshall: Paul, everyone knows the first verse.
[singing]
Peter Marshall: What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / What shall we
do with the drunken sailor? / What shall we do with the drunken sailor? /
Early in the morning? But what is the first line of the next verse?
Paul Lynde: [singing] Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Put him in
bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Early
in the morning
[audience laughs]
Paul Lynde: How disgusting... that poor sailor!
Q: Peter Marshall: True or false, Paul Revere had 16 children?
A: Paul Lynde: From *one* midnight ride?
Q: Peter Marshall: Your date's had a great shock, now she's fainted.
According to experts you should loosen her clothing, and do one other
thing. What?
A: Paul Lynde: Send a postcard requesting an ambulance.
Peter Marshall: You don't get along with this young lady obviously.
Q: Peter Marshall: Paul, how do we know the first Union flag was sewn by
Betsy Ross?
A: Paul Lynde: [in a deep overly-serious voice, singing popular TV jingle
of the time] You look for, the Union Label, when you buy...
Q: Peter Marshall: True or false, on a recent talk show, Joey Heatherton
said, "I am not a sexpot."
A: Jan Murray: She's right, Pete, but you're a damn good emcee.
Q: Peter Marshall: True or false, every day, about 10 million American
women take the pill.
A: Paul Lynde: And I could name 'em all!
Q: Peter Marshall: Is there anything in or on your body that was there
the day you were born?
A: Rose Marie: [pointing to her head] The black bow!
Q: Peter Marshall: According to the nursery rhyme, "There was an old
woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children she didn't know what
to do". What did she give her children to eat?
A: Charley Weaver: She lived in a shoe? Filet of sole!
Q: Peter Marshall: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q: Peter Marshall: True or false, massaging the feet helps some people
with hot flashes?
A: George Gobel: So that's why Rose Marie wears battery-operated shoes.
Rose Marie: OH! I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO SAY THAT! I KNEW IT!
Q: Peter Marshall: Paul, how many fingers in the girl scout salute?
A: Paul Lynde: Gee, I don't remember. The last time I saw it was when I
didn't buy their cookies.
Q: Peter Marshall: Arthur Hailey had a very successful movie and novel
called "Hotel". He has a new best seller about another stopover point.
What is it called?
A: Charley Weaver: Service Station.
Q: Peter Marshall: According to the famous children's story, why did
Goldilocks refuse the porridge of the great big bear?
A: Rose Marie: Papa Bear?
Peter Marshall: M-hmm.
A: Rose Marie: [referring to Vincent Price] Probably Vincent was playing
the part, and he cooked it.
Q: Peter Marshall: Why do people refer to ships as "she?"
A: Charley Weaver: Because both have round bottoms.
Q: What made the monkey cry?
A: Paul Lynde: ...learning that Tarzan swings both ways.
Q: True or false: Your teeth are the same shape and size as a pig's.
A: Paul Lynde: Look who's talking, beaver face!
Q: According to the familiar quotation, "surely" what "will follow me all
the days of my life"?
A: Paul Lynde: The nickname "beaver face".
Q: Your mother was a jackass and your father was a horse. What does that
make you?
A: Paul Lynde: The star in the center square, beaver face!
Q: Opponents of flouridated water stated that too much fluorine in a
person's system can cause an uncontrollable desire for sex.
A: Paul Lynde: HEY CULLIGAN MAN!
Q: Is Billy Graham considered a good dresser?
A: Paul Lynde: No, but he's a terrific end table.
Q: True or false - according to the Bible, you are a sinner.
A: Paul Lynde: Well, as long as they spelled my name right.
Q: Why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles easily.
Q: When Henry Kissinger recently visited Japan, he went to a geisha
house. How did he spend his time in the geisha house?
A: Paul Lynde: Oh, negotiating for peace [piece]!
Q: Is there such a thing as a female rooster?
A: Paul Lynde: Yes, its the one that goes a-doodle-doo.
Q: If you're eating spaghetti the Italian way, what is in your left hand?
A: Paul Lynde: A fly swatter.
Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one
daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
Q: In the early days of Hollywood, who was usually found atop Tony The
Wonder Horse?
A: Paul Lynde: Oh, My Friend Flicka.
Q: The average child in China learns how to do it at age three, and the
average child in America never learns. What?
A: Paul Lynde: How to pull a rickshaw.
Q: True or false: All Chinese words have just one syllable.
A: Paul Lynde: What about "laun-dry"?
Q: True or false: Roma legend has it that God made the people of the
world in a large oven.
A: Paul Lynde: (looks at Leslie Uggams) Looks like you were overcooked.
Q: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
A: Paul Lynde: In what state? Like all of us: naked and screaming.
Q: In the Shakespearean play King Lear, King Lear had 3 of them, Goneril,
Cordelia, and Regan. Who were they?
A: Paul Lynde: King Lear had goneril [gonorrhea]?!?
Q: If you had your choice, would you rather be kicked by a mule or by an
ostrich?
A: Paul Lynde: They both sound pretty good to me.
Q: What would you normally find a camper mounted on?
A: Paul Lynde: A camper-ess!
Q: Pride, anger, covetousness, lust, gluttony, envy and sloth are
collectively known as what?
A: Paul Lynde: The Bill Of Rights.
Q: On radio, Margo Lane knew som`ething about young, handsome, wealthy
Lamont Cranston. In fact, she knew about Lamont Cranston, things that no
one else knew. What was it?
A: Paul Lynde: Lamont Cranston? That his belly button was an 'outsie.'
Q: As every good boat enthusiast knows, when a man falls off a boat and
into the water, you yell "Man overboard". But what do you yell if a woman
falls into the water?
A: Paul Lynde: Full speed ahead!.
Q: Charley, what story began with the discovery of magic beans?
A: Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind!
Q: Charley, if you plant strawberries. Will you get any the first year?
A: Charley Weaver: No, I was too busy planting strawberries!
Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with kissing a lot
of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: Drinking can make you hard of hearing.
A: Charley Weaver: What?
Q: What should a Scotsman tuck in the top of his stockings?
A: Charley Weaver: Is he a very big Scotsman?
Q: Which measurement was larger for the first Miss America, bust or hips?
A: Charley Weaver: Well, out at "The Home", we have one of the first Miss
Americas, and her bust meets her hips!
Q: You're wearing a fur coat. Now if it is a common fur coat, it comes
from
the fur of three animals: A mink, a muskrat, or a what?
A: Charley Weaver: A wealthy businessman.
Q: Between a man and a woman, who is responsible for their child's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll loan him the car keys. The rest is up to him.
Q: True or False: A pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: It sure seems that way, sometimes.
Q: Experts say that there are only seven or eight things dumber than an
ant.
A: George Gobel: That's right. And I think I voted for six of 'em.
Q: What does someone from Philadelphia usually dunk his pretzel in?
A: Marty Allen: A girl from New Jersey!
Q: Can boys join the Campfire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: True or False: Rubbing grapefruits on your body makes you sexy.
A: Marty Allen: Whose grapefruits?
Q: What new motion picture has an ad campaign that states "He's a lonely
forgotten man desperate to prove that he's alive"?
A: Marty Allen: Nixon Goes To China.
Q: What is the plural of titmouse?
A: Stevenson: Well, let's see... you got your "mice"... you got your
"meece"... Titsmice!
Q: Japanese brides use to shave something off at the time of their
marriage. What?
A: John Davidson: Shave something off something off at the time of their
marriage. It must be hair, on some part of the body. I wonder what it
could be? On the whole I would say... (uproarious laughter)
Q: You're watching balls going back and forth at speeds of up to 170
miles per hour. In what sport?
A: Joan Rivers: Jogging!
Q: What did Noah finally do at the age of 972?
A: Joan Rivers: Paid for his daughter's wedding.
Q: In folklore, what do you call the child of a fairy?
A: Joan Rivers: Adopted.
Q: A Russian man has just shown you his "balalaika." What has he shown
you?
A: Jm J Bullock: Why he's not so popular with the party girls.
Q: Tom Bergeron: "What is commonly known as 'the Big Easy?'"
A: Gilbert Gottfried: "Caroline Rhea!"
Rhea is in another square, and her jaw drops
Q: Bruce, you're the most popular fruit in America. What are you?
A: Bruce Vilanch: Humbled.
Q: How does a comet get its tail?
A: Peter Marshall: Oh, the same as everyone else I guess, a little
cognac, a Barry White CD...
Q: Ellen, true or false, the state of Virginia was named after a reputed
virgin.
A: Ellen DeGeneres: Well, if that's true, what does that say about Idaho?
Q: He dangled from balloons in his first book in 1940 and this year in
the Macy's parade he dangled as a balloon. Who is he?
A: Brad Garrett: The kids' favorite, Louie Anderson.
Q: What song did Mozart compose when he was only seven years old?
A: Donny Osmond: "Play that Funky Music, White Boy."
Q: The term SWAT originated in the Los Angeles Police Department. What
does SWAT stand for?
A: Whoopi Goldberg: Some Whoop-Ass Tonight!
Q: You have "frigaphobia." What are you afraid of?
A: Whoopi Goldberg: Every friggin' thing!
Q: Is Viagra kosher for passover?
A: Whoopi Goldberg: Not if it leads to pork.
Q: Since the first woman entered this institution, 84 women have followed
her. What institution is that?
A: Whoopi Goldberg: Marriage to Larry King.
Q: According to "Cosmo," if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if
he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: What are the two things women should never do in bed with their
husbands?
A: Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say, "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: In a survey of teenage mothers, most of them said they were listening
to this when they got pregnant. What is it?
A: Paul Lynde: A pack of lies.
Q: Paul, what is a good reason forpounding meat?
A: Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
