HEADLINES
(and Weddings)
Here
is a package for high-quality light bulbs. Look at the directions… The light
bulbs last approximately 1,000 hours in English -- and 2,000 hours in Spanish.
So light them in Spanish and it looks like you'll get more time.
Here's Health Fest '98 held in
Check out the vendors at the 'health fest' and look what they'll be selling…
We've got to get these kids drinking again, by golly!
Zeus Greek and Lebanese Café 'where hospitality is a tradition.' If you don't
get your take-out order in 15 minutes or less, you'll get a FREE GLASS OF
WATER! Man, they must be going broke!
Here's the altar boy special…
I bet the 911 operator was happy to get this call…
You Canadians will love this… It's not a good sign when you can't get crooks to
take your money.
Here's a poorly worded sentence… It wasn't the punching in the face that woke
this guy up, but the' melodious sounds' of the roommate punching him in the
face.
That is quite an injury, isn't it?
Here's 'campus comments'… 'How do you feel about the GOP taking both the House
and the Senate?' I don't really care, says freshman Tyler Kaban,
POLITICAL SCIENCE MAJOR!
Let me tell you something, if that is the highlight of your
Here's an affordable, non-invasive face lift alternative… Is that woman really
lifting her face?
I love this guy…
'I don't know whose pants these are, man!'
God bless our veterans…
'The couple met when Joan was Thomas' nurse in a veterans hospital in
The photographer should have noticed this… The father should have noticed this…
The mother should have noticed this…
I don't know why the mother has her thumb there. Maybe she's just trying to
tell us how impressive her child is.
Look at this -- 'Fly for the Airlines.' No experience necessary… Look at the
bottom one -- 'Visas for foreign students.' 'Ahmed, come on down!'
I was looking at this picture of the Stones and I realized, these people are
actually younger than the real Stones.
Here's some weddings… These are people who got married that have some rather
interesting names when you put them together. Here's the Bull - Dozier wedding…
Here's the Schutte - Harrup wedding…
I'm sure the bride was crying her eyes out with this one on her wedding night…
It's the Little and Quick wedding!
Here's the Pullin - Dailey wedding…
Here's the Little - Luce wedding…
There's the Pointer - Peed wedding…
It's the Weiner - Needles nuptuals…
It's the Peters - Tingle wedding…
If you're an outdoorsman, you might go to the Hunter and Rieder wedding…
And finally, married for over 20 years, it's the Dum - Asses wedding…
If you're going down hill, you're okay.
Could get a little gamey, don't you think?
From now on, '
'…is a little irritable but enjoys TV.' And $2.00 for the goldfish, but how
much to place the ad?!
Replaced the carpet?! I hate when they do that!
She must be exhausted! Those fertility drugs have gone too far!
Right, a Weight Watchers Meeting… Use the large double doors at the side
entrance.
Here's an idiot, a complete moron… This guy told police that the LSD he had was
for selling and was not for personal use.
Yes, 'perky Canadian pair won't be forgotten.'
Yes, cats can be a little disagreeable at times.
Ladies, here's why it's important to buy name-brand products.
Now, here's a
A free cap. Obviously, they don't have a lot of faith in their own haircuts.
Archery equipment cart?! That's a garbage pail!
What a deal! You move in tonight and you don't have to pay a dime until
tomorrow morning.
This woman doesn't really seem to mind getting obscene phone calls. 'Stop!
You're so naughty!
Here's some people with real names… 'Cook to Marry Kitchen.'
'Stuck – 50 Years'
'Faught – 40 Years'
'Slamin – 50 Years'
I'm sure they're fine clothes, but the name is…
I like restaurants that put on airs… The 'Soup of the day' is 'Soup de jour.'
The headline - 'Pentagon keeping names of its fighters secret.' Now look at the
photograph… 'Lieutenant J.E. Tidwell.' These are the same people working
airport security.
Here is an ad for stretchy seat underpants -- which, I'm sure, are great. But
who puts on their shoes and socks before they put their pants on?!
Yes, 'Seven of the nine commission members voted UNANIMOUSLY!'
This is how big this Winnebago is… It has a heated basement!
'Honey, call the cops! A man was flying a kite and LET IT GO! How strange…'
Here's a place to take that special gal in your life.
I don't even understand this one… 'The deaf awareness workshop is postponed due
to laryngitis.'
You want to adopt a dog? Well here's a lovely dog…
Here, look at the name… Bitey. Bitey
the dog.
I bet a lot of men turn out for this…
This seems a little insulting… 'A 29-year-old manly woman…'
Some people are just idiots! Beautiful bike, isn't
it?! And this guy took out a big ad for this!
This seems to be a bad idea. It seems like a trick. Didn't I see this in a
Roadrunner cartoon once?
Here is the worst idea… What's lovelier than a stars and stripes doormat? Where
are they selling these? --
It was 'burned completely to the metal frame'… because, you know, they are so
beautifully done up in the first place.
These kids just sat through a 5-hour etiquette class. …It seems like the one
kid learned a lot.
This is unfortunate wording… 'Occupants of van finger each other at trial.'
The Jolly Three Band performs… And, boy, he sure looks jolly, doesn't he?
Here's the idiot of the week…
'Teaching students raise scores.' Huh. So there is a correlation between
teaching and scores…
Here's irony… 'Butts man guilty of dealing crack.'
Here's a child's tea set… but why would they be eating a Milkbone?
This is a tag from some womens' plus size clothing… I
think this is a bit harsh -- size OX. 'We have it in size water buffalo too.'
Psssst… Your checker was GAY!
This is creepy… Look, what a lovely thing to demonstrate your love.
'Horse riding with a difference'… Yeah, you're going off a cliff!
Don't like your neighbor's tree? Gee, just move it while they're gone!
This is an actual ad… Maybe it's just me… Does this seem like an appropriate
snack for kids?
Here's a guy who has some issues… 'Drive to the camp, to work or OVER YOUR
MOTHER-IN-LAW'S FACE!'
This is kind of creepy. I don't know if I'd be bragging about that, lady.
I knew airport security was bad, but…
Bathroom necessities? How bad is your diet if you need a fire extinguisher and
a smoke detector?! You might want to cut down on the
chili.
This is probably a fine, fine restaurant, but I guess the owner decided that he
didn't need a professional to write his slogan.
Here's a guy who's got some problems…
I feel so bad for this woman. This misprint is just so bad I cut the woman's
name out.
Finally an accurate description of a cat…
People are so stupid! They're idiots! A 'hate crime'?!
One of my pet peeves, and something I just rail against, is people who put
stupid costumes on their pets and walk them around. These are the stupidest costumes
I have ever seen!
I'm sure this guy is a wonderful realtor, but he's got an unfortunate name…
Some of you country folks may recognize this…
I bet this is one of the gooder scools
too…
Here's a poorly worded headline. It's not necessarily my thought -- this is
just the way it is written…
I couldn't have said it better myself. It is so true.
This is one tough truck. This is what real men do. 'I'm going to be hauling
some heavy stuff. Give me that penile hitch and put about 1200 pounds on it.'
This seems like a rather inappropriate ad for a nursing home, even if it is
Halloween.
You know, some people just like to bother the police. Look at this idiot woman
here… 'a cat on the sidewalk and Olivia
Here are some people who have some interesting names that got married… These
are a little racy… Touchette - Budde.
Weiner – Bonin
These are two women that got married… I'll let you read it yourself…
'If you're going to
People always wonder where I met Kev, knowing that he's from
90% -- You can't get more honest than that.
Isn't that great when your parents don't think you can do it? 'We're his
parents and we thought he was just a nothing.'
'Don't call during Lawrence Welk!'
Here's a heck of a deal… I don't know what it means…
Boy, here's a Freudian slip…
I love these two…
A children's choir performing for the Pope. What bigger honor could there be.
And as you can see, the Pope is really enjoying the himself.
I'll let you read this headline yourself. This is a sports headline…
Here's a
I love when politicians lie right on the ballot… Hair. Brown. Right.
These guys must be really good lawyers… 'Why would we screw you?!' The Trickey Crooks Law Firm.
I love when they ask people on the street questions… 'What should the
…'I think they should make it mandatory!'
When you squeeze it, it makes the authentic lobster sound.
That girl is really flexible, isn't she?
Want your crack house cleaned?
Congratulations to Dawn Olson who graduated from 'booty camp'!
I don't read or speak Chinese… but I'm just curious as to what this procedure
is. Ancient Chinese secret, ey?
Here's a rather inappropriately worded headline…
Perhaps someone should have thought twice about this one too…
This is what I love about lawyers. This is an actual Senate bill…
Isn't this sweet? '
Looks like Mom might want to get off the hormone therapy. A little more
estrogen for Mom, possibly…
How depressing is this? 'Hey, what is that -- a shrimp in your pants?'
What is one of my pet peeves? Dressing up animals! Dogs and cats will not wear
stupid things you give them. Your dog is not going to carry this around!
A 'Free Super Bowl Mexican buffet'… What's better than a free Mexican buffet
with music? That's right -- 'Dance to the sounds of Breaking Wind.'
Here's the infamous doomsday clock. 'Built to last 500 years... One-year
warranty.'
Here's a good deal… 'Gurney's Inn Resort & Spa -- Appreciate your secretary
with a 2 night special.' YAH!
Here's Kevin's favorite florist…
Looks like I'm going on the road…
'She's gonna blow at any minute -- get in here!
Mayday! Mayday!'
I guess Ann Landers passed away a little while ago. This new Ann Landers -- I dunno if this one is going to work out…
'If Grandpa's foaming at the mouth and you don't want to spring for the 10
bucks, bring him in. No charge!'
Here's a sure sign that rock stars are getting older and older. Look, it's the
Granny Awards…
Here are some dedicated players -- except for that one guy in the back…
Let me tell you how stupid men are! This is a vacuum, an industrial vaccum -- and the fact that they have to tell guys that,
well...
I don't think they did this on purpose, but this is one of the most inappropriately
worded headlines…
Apparently some girls want those rings just a little more than others…
Josef's Pastry Shop has 30 different styles to choose from… Then why use the
bent-over cake? Out of all 30 cakes, that was the best one you had?
'Bring them damn babies over here -- I'll take care of 'em.'
Snow Squall Restaurant & Lounge's graduation special… 'You put in four
years of college and when you get out -- free toast! It's on me.'
Why would you take this ad out? 'Need $45 million for 16 months -- serious
calls only. No time for timewasters!'
I know Jesus was a man of the people, but I thought he had better things to do
with his time. 'Jesus is coming through town -- come on by!'
Look at the woman in the front row! Why is her hair in curlers? She is invited
to meet the archbishop and to sit in the front row. Is she meeting the Pope
later on? Where are you going later that you have curlers in your hair?
'Today we remember the three wise men from the East… who came with rich gifts
of golf, frankincense and myrrh.' Remember when Jesus did the 9 holes in 7
shots? That was amazing.
Soccer is a rough game. I don't even know what this move
is called. Those baseball players can go on strike when they have to do that.
I know we live in a cynical society, but there are some things you might want
to enter with a positive attitude… 'This thing is not going to work out anyway
-- be cheap! What the hell!'
What are people thinking? What are they supposed to color? Snow is white;
penguins are black.
Edited on 07/18/2006 5:04pm
'
'Hannah, a golden retriever, plays with Ginger, a Yorkshire terrier'…
Hannah really looks like she's playing.
Who wouldn't want this lovely animal item for your home? The dead pig planter.
Watch the little pig pushing up daisies…
'Kids Who Read Succeed'...
…especially when they just read comics all day.
This is the stupidest criminal I have ever seen in my life! What a genius! You
have a knife, but you're in a gun store, idiot!
I've never been to this restaurant, but I don't think I would like this
sandwich, a sloppy woody.
This one's for Kev…
This is what happens when you don't hire a professional advertising firm.
Folks, it was bound to happen… 'Strong wind blows Fiddler off roof'...
'Come see McDonald's in a different light on Valentine's Night…' Free rose,
free picture… Let me tell you something, guys… If you take your date to
McDonald's for dinner on Valentine's Day, that's all you're going to get is a
free rose.
This was in the obituary column… This man was probably a wonderful man and we mean no disrespect… When you think of all the
things you've done in your life -- children, grandchildren… 'James Moultrie, a
family man who loved bologna.'
You know, talk about getting what you deserve…
Gee, how long have Earth, Wind and Fire been around? Boy, they've really
changed. I think that is Wind in the middle there.
You know what a dunk tank is, right? They're a lot of fun. Here's a dunk tank
-- look, it's sponsored by Waste Management.
I guess they advertise beer in different ways in other countries. We're
considered a prudish country. Others are considered more open. Here's an ad for
Bud Light in
These are people getting married that have interesting names together… How cool
is this guy… It's the 'Turner Righton' wedding.
Here's something you'll want to do when you're married -- 'Fiddler Daily'…
…but be careful you don't leave 'Hiney Marks.'
This is why you bring in experts -- to study, analyze, check, recheck and then
to give results…
Ever hear of the Sylvan Learning Centers? 'Does your children have an education
funding plan?' Now let me ask you this -- DOES THEY?!
Here's the Carpet Doctor… 'Why risk poor quality, when we can guarantee it?'
Here's the worst ad I have ever seen… This is for Schrader Funeral Home. 'Well,
the kids are gone… You're going to die -- you'll be alone. Give us a call!'
Do you ever wonder what tips the police off… Did somebody call? Was there an
informant? 'Marijuana bust yields 220 plants.' The plants were found off
Sometimes police just have to rely on the stupidity of criminals… 'State police
are urging anyone with information or…'
This is one of those 'taking the public's pulse' about an upcoming election...
Here, Sasha Beskini teaches a belly dancing class. No
one seems to be following her teaching except…
…the dog.
Sometimes animals don't even like these people… And the bear was probably
smoking -- Hey, will you leave me alone.'
Fifty random entries win this one-of-a-kind t-shirt. Yes, 50 PEOPLE win this
ONE-OF-A-KIND t-shirt.
Here is a moron… Why do you get on a plane with this? It's a novelty alarm
clock and he wonders why he got stopped with it in his luggage.
I couldn't agree more myself…
This is why people love lawyers…
Here's a very accurate meat thermometer…
This is the most frightening cat I have ever seen. What is that?!
That's the kind of cat that you see sitting at the end of the bed and then you
look in the mirror and you have '666' on your forehead.
Is there anything more important than filling out the prescription on your
medicine bottle? Look what this says… And the woman with the prescription said
that guys keep calling…
There you go…
I think this coach is a little too happy to see the girls…
Edited on 08/11/2006 11:26am
And we wonder why kids do so poorly in school…
How many times a month are you going to play this?
'…loves to laugh, hug, dine out' -- and apparently NOTHING ELSE!
People call the police over the craziest things… 'Somebody milked the goats --
call the cops!'
I don't care how much they are -- Is this really a best name brand?
If you were selling your house, wouldn't you put a nice picture in the paper,
maybe even hire a professional photographer? Why would you put this photo in?
Wouldn't you like to have your pet have a smile like that? NO!
What were they thinking here… If you're saying 'ahhhh,'
isn't that going the long way around?
Skydiving is a lot of fun -- but apparently these guys found a way to make it
even more special…
…Look at how the guy is holding the girl.
Last chance for free roadside assassination…
Why would you make out in front of the nun? The place is empty -- couldn't you
move two rows down at least?
This woman has lost so much weight that she has literally disappeared.
If you want an accountant, go see Scott Sloppy. There is nothing like Sloppy
accounting.
I checked this one out and it is real -- Mary K. Hummer, sex therapist.
What a lovely lawn ornament that is -- a fox having sex with your dog.
I love ballet as much as the next person. This is a very dedicated ballet. You
have to be very careful when you do this because this could be painful if it is
done wrong.
Here's something just crazy…
This is a newly married couple with an unfortunate name… It's the Gross-Hoe
wedding.
I love this one… 'Hit him harder!'
You know, I've done an awful lot of jokes about voting in
Maybe it's just a slow news day, but is this really a headline?
I don't know about this… 'There's always a seat at The Surf.' Really?
Oh ho, 'naughty pine'…
Here's your Republican candidates… 'Gay or Strait.' Make your decision --
what's it gonna be? Gay or Strait?
Hey, have you ever had this? Grilled Angus filet mignon served with groin
mustard?
I'm sure these are very nice women, so I'm not certain why they did this when
they took the picture, but this is the headline as it appeared.
There's nothing nicer than adopting a pet, but I don't know how 'mellow' and
'shy' Bootsie is.
I don't know where this department store is…
…but get another Santa.
You want to make money? Here's something to sell the yuppies
up in
Here's a promising position with the Post Office…
Here's ex-President Clinton who went to see some show at the fair…
…and look at the show
Maybe if you weren't BARBEQUING THE SALMON!
Here's a dogfood your dog would love…
People always make fun of
I thought this was interesting. This is the first page… Cover design by Stephen
Ryan…
Now look at the cover… And what a beautiful job he did!
This is what happens when you don't buy a name-brand card from Hallmark…
…This is a card a guy would send another guy.
Here's an 'only in
Italians always get a bad rap and this ad doesn't help.
Come on in and get a colon, guys!
We wonder why our kids are obese; big fat kids who can't do anything. Look,
'write messages on paper YOU CAN EAT!'
Nobody lies better than realtors, right? Hmmmm,
'unique floorplan'.
Count the misspellings in this one…
What's less stressful than this?
Bring your kid in for the reptile experience. What fun, ey?
'Immunization Day a Fun Event'... Yeah, the kid is having the time of her life.
I have to agree with Kevin. African Americans get no respect. This is the
African American Alumni reunion and look where it's being held… at the
I guess this is a very popular magazine in
Here's a move-in condition home… Yeah, if you happen to LIVE IN PISA!
Sometimes people come here and the names just don't translate. I'm sure this is
fine Chinese instant rice noodles, even though they're made by the...
...Doo Doo Total Food Company. 'When you're thinking
good food, think Doo Doo.'
Here, 'the Minnesota Morris football team eagerly awaits the day its 35 game
losing streak ends.'
...It is not going to end as long as you are hiking the ball over their heads!
Look at these two ads that are running side by side… Here's Whale Camp -- right
next to the Overweight Camp for Boys and Girls…
I don't know how many women would wear this… It's the Kellogg Special K bras…
'Two scoops!'
Here's your government at work, folks… Read the first headline and then read
the one that is over to its right…
Could it be anymore obvious that this isn't working?!
And who is this moron?...
Here's the Super Nova heating pad… Hey, lady, you might want to turn the pad
down just a hair…
We wonder why kids get started on the wrong road. Maybe this is the reason
here…
Churches are trying their best to get more parishiners
in… Here's the
And those Presbyterians are right behind them…
'Got sun?' Here's a place I want to go…
Really all about a 1/10th of a second is all you need.
Now I can see why Kevin is a vegetarian. I have to admit this doesn't really
look appetizing to me.