Quotes to Enjoy (newest ones at the TOP)


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The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy."
      --- Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
      ---Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
      --- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
      --- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
      --- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
      --- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
      --- Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
      --- Abraham Lincoln
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
      --- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
      --- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
      --- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
      --- Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
      ---Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
      --- John Bright
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
      ---Samuel Johnson
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
      ---Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
      --- Robert Redford
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
      --- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
      ---- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
      --- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
      --- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
      --- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
      --- Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn't it."
      --- Groucho Marx
"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."
      --- Wendell Johnson
"Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived."
      --- Isaac Asimov
"It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame."
      -- -Oscar Wilde
Drug Addiction, n. A popular method of dealing with day-to-day living in the United States.
      --- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.
      --- Billy Wilder
"I worked some gigs in the Deep South--Alabama--You talk about Darwinís waiting room. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father."
      --- Dennis Miller
"At the airport they asked me if anybody I didnít know gave me anything. Even the people I know donít give me anything."
      --- George Wallace
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize sheís given you two $100 bills. Now, hereís where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"
      --- Henny Youngman
"Strange things happen when you're in debt. Two weeks ago my car broke down and my phone got disconnected. I was one electric bill away from being Amish."
      --- Tom Ryan
"I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ĎAre you reading that?" I didnít know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page and sat down again."
      --- David Brenner
"What? You been keeping records on me? I wasnít so bad! How many times did I take the Lordís name in vain? One million and six? Jesus Ch--- ."
"In French, oeuf means egg, cheese is fromage...itís like those French have a different word for everything."
"Iím not afraid to die. I just donít want to be there when it happens."
      --- Woody Allen
"There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
      --- Dave Barry
"What's the matter, Colonel Sanders? Chicken?"
"Everything is funny as long as itís happening to someone else."
      --- Will Rogers
"In one of Washingtonís great ironies, President Bush passed the intelligence bill; thatís like Bill Clinton passing the celibacy bill."
Visits always give pleasure - if not the arrival, the departure.
      --- Portuguese Proverb
"In politics stupididty is not a handicap."
      --- Napoleon
Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.
      --- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder is gay but your not... And, you only have one ass. Feel better?
      --- Jack Handy
I will make a bargain with the Republicans. If they stop telling lies about Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.
      --- Adlai Stevenson, During the 1952 presidential campaign.
Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.
      --- Pat Robertson - speech at GOP Presidential Convention (1992)
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
      --- Paul Merton
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
      --- George Burns
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
      --- James Bovard
"When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me."
      --- Emo Phillips
"President Bush fell off his bicycle while exercising at his ranch in Texas the other day. Officials say no essential parts of his body were injured, which means he must have only hit his head."
      --- Jake Novak
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"
      --- Rich Jeni
Take away the right to say "fuck" and you take away the right to say, "Fuck the government."
      --- Lenny Bruce (1925-1966) American comic
"If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates."
      --- Jay Leno
No matter. The dead bird does not leave the nest.
      --- Winston Churchill (on being told that his fly was undone)
"My dad's a writer. His favorite expression is 'The pen's mightier than the sword,' which I believed for a long time. Until I moved into the city, and I got into a fight with this guy. He cut me up real bad, and I drew a mustache on his face...and then I wrote him a nasty letter."
      --- Kevin Brennan
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
      --- Ronald Reagan
"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet."
      --- Bill Kelly
"Man: An animal [whose] chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada."
      --- Ambrose Bierce (1842-disappearance in 1914)
"Woman: An animal... having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication... The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts of prey... the woman is omnivorous and can be taught not to talk."
      --- Ambrose Bierce (1842-disappearance in 1914)
"We need not worry so much about what man descends from-it's what he descends to that shames the human race."
      --- Mark Twain
"I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
      --- Steven Wright
"After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'"
      --- Ronnie Shakes
"My dad, he's a nuclear physicist, my mom, she's a mathematician, my brother is a chemical engineer--and I like to color."
      --- Shashi Bhatia
"The flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, 'Oh, he's good. I like his work.'"
      --- David Spade
"The government issued a safety recall today on 800,000 Bowflex exercise machines. The good news: No one was hurt, because no one ever actually used a Bowflex."
      --- Jay Leno
"A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error."
      --- Dennis Miller
"President Bush announced today that he wanted to institute a test to insure that high school students are reading at their grade level. Bush said the program was necessary because a lot of their students weren't reading at their grade level; they were reading at presidential level."
      --- Conan O'Brien
"Authorities have tested Michael Jacksonís DNA and made an astonishing discovery ... they now think Michael Jackson may be a black man in his 40s."
      --- Jay Leno
"In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is, the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it."
      --- Billy Crystal
"The "New York Post" says that Monica Lewinsky and Chelsea Clinton were recently in the same nightclub, but they didnít run into each other. Actually, Chelsea walked by Monicaís table, but luckily Monica was under it at the time."
"Anybody read the latest issue of "Consumer Reports"...you know what theyíre rating this month? Condoms. Well I canít wait to see the slow motion videos of those crash test dummies."
"Authorities in Wisconsin are searching for the owner of a 150 pound kangaroo after it was caught walking around outside in frigid weather. The owner could face a number of charges. Thatís got to be frustrating for the kangaroo. Walking around in freezing weather, knowing you have a pocket, but your hands are too short to put them in it."
"Amber Frey has a new book coming out this week. I donít know the title but I think you can rule out "Finding Mr. Right."
"In Florida a 96-year-old woman is running for mayor. When asked if she knew who she was running against, she said, "Time."
My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.
      --- Ashleigh Brilliant
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."
      --- Dennis Wholey
"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left."
      --- Oscar Levant
Would you be more content with six million dollars or six children? Six children, certainly. Because a man with six million dollars will always want more.
"This present government in America I just find disgusting, the idea that George Bush could run a baseball team successfully--he can't even speak! I just find him an embarrassment. I was over here (England) when the election was on and I couldn't believe it--and I'm 76 years old. Then when the Supreme Court came in and turned out to be a totally political animal, the last shred of any naivety that was left in me has gone. When I see an American flag flying, it's a joke."
      --- Film director Robert Altman in an interview with the Times of London
"O.J. Simpsonís daughter was arrested for disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. Well, you know what they say, the apple doesnít fall far from the double murderer."
      --- Jay Leno
"Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" got nominated for three lesser awards: cinematography, makeup, and musical score. Apparently Hollywood felt the movie looked great, but the story wasn't believable."
      --- Jay Leno
This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures.
      --- Richard Lewis
"If your mind goes blank, don't forget to turn off the sound."
      --- Red Green
"I've gone into hundreds of fortune-teller's parlors, and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her."
      --- New York City detective
"Don't make the same mistake twice seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn't it? First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice. If you simply say, 'Don't make the same mistake,' you'll avoid the first mistake, won't you?"
      --- George Carlin
"In Virginia lawmakers are considering a law banning people from wearing pants that reveal their underwear in a lewd way. Of course you could get by this law by just not wearing any underwear."
      --- Craig Ferguson
"Today in the senate an amendment banning gay marriage was put down. Afterwards Republicans said that we're not giving up - if we can't ram it down their throats we'll get through the backdoor."
      --- Conan O'Brien
"The star of the new show "Fat Actress" Kirstie Alley says that any time she strays from her diet sheís going to donate $100 to one of her favorite charities. In a related story three diseases have been completely eradicated."
      --- Conan O'Brien
"Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot."
      --- Ellen DeGeneres
"It was reported today the the United States Marine Corps is having difficulty meeting their recruiting quotas. ... in fact the new slogan is 'The Few, The Fewer, The Marines.'"
      --- Conan O'Brien
"Condoleezza Rice made her last stop in her foreign trip, she was in Beijing. ... They went nuts for her. From their reaction you would think people in China had never seen Rice before."
      --- Jay Leno
"Baseball season begins this weekend ... If you think about it, I love everything about baseball. I love the resin, I love the pine tar, I love the steroids... And that's just in the hot dogs."
      --- David Letterman
"Bush was asked about the literacy problem. He said, 'We can solve the literacy if every American picked up just one piece of paper every day and put it in the trash."
      --- Jay Leno
"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years, and hell, we're not using it anymore."
      --- I don't know who said this
"Entirely different than Terri Schiavo's"
      --- Dan Allen, communications director for House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, on Delay allowing his father to die 17 years ago while recently pushing a bill through Congress to keep Terri Schiavo hooked up to a feeding tube.
What he meant to say was:
"Entirely different, Tom DeLay didn't want his father alive. He was looking forward to the reading of the will."
"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
      --- Robert Frost
"I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead."
      --- Laura Kightlinger
"I had general anesthesia for my surgery. It's so weird. You go to sleep in one room and then wake up four hours later in a totally different room. Just like in college."
      --- Ross Shafer
"What's the first thing a little girl wants when she gets a new bike? A basket--she's prepared to shop. What's the first thing a boy wants on his bike? A bell or horn--he's prepared for traffic.
"What's the first toy a little girl wants? A doll--she's prepared to shop with friends. What's the first toy a little boy wants? A gun--he's prepared for traffic."
      --- Jason Chase
"Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita."
      --- Maxine
"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is."
      --- Sir Francis Bacon
"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."
      --- George Burns
"I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they don't require so much cooking."
      --- Carrie Snow
"I've been studying up on some of my Las Vegas facts - did you know, on the average, 151 people get married every day in Las Vegas. One hundred and fifty-one. You know, shouldn't that be an even number? Maybe I'm wrong."
      --- Jay Leno
"Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."
      --- Max Frisch
Sure you can get aids from a mosquito--if you have unprotected anal sex with one.
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years."
      --- Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it."
      --- Mark Twain
The secret of a successful marriage is incompatability. He has the income, you have the patability.
     
"I had the worst study habits in the history of college, until I found out what I was doing wrong -- highlighting with a black magic marker."
      --- Jeff Altman
"Coming to supermarkets across the country: presliced peanut butter. Yeah, this is perfect for busy moms who are trying to juggle a family and a drinking problem."
      --- Craig Kilborn
"So computers? I hear they basically break down to a bunch of ones and zeroes. I don't know how that means I can see naked women on my screen, but God bless you people."
      --- Kevin James
"According to a study, they found common words used by happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used by other people to describe happy people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..."
      ---Jay Leno
"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people."
      --- G. K. Chesterton
"Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put."
      --- Winston Churchill
"Newsweek had to retract a report about the Koran. The article caused violent anti-U.S. rioting in Muslim countries. And that's too bad because up until now they really loved us."
      --- Conan O'Brien
"To show that his energy bill is about more than drilling for oil in Alaska. This week President Bush visited a plant in Virginia that turned soy beans into a clean burning diesel fuel. Which the president hopes one day will be used to fuel oil drilling machines in Alaska "
      ---Tina Fey
"According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, 17 people die on the job every day. Which is pretty awful news. Unless of course you're looking for a job."
      ---Jay Leno
"Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others."
      --- Anonymous
"Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. Itís called assohol."
      ---George Carlin
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
      ---George Carlin
"Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally, I thought, my eight years of high school are going to pay off."
      ---Buzz Nutley
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
      ---Paul Merton
"The good thing about having a death wish is that you're much more likely to get that wish than, say, the one about a lingerie-clad Nicole Kidman stopping by your apartment with beer and pizza."
      ---Maurizio Mariotti
Egotist: A person more interested in himself than in me.
      ---Ambrose Bierce, The Devilís Dictionary, 1911
"Do you know the three times that most people are in church? When they are hatched, matched, or dispatched."
      ---Lowell B. Yoder
"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards."
      ---Sir Fred Hoyle
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
      ---Oscar Wilde
"If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that."
      ---Milton Jones
"I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: 'This door is alarmed.' I said to myself: 'How do you think I feel?'"
      ---Arnold Brown
"I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat."
      ---Marcus Brigstocke
"A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called....dorms."
      ---Craig Ferguson
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."
      --- Galileo Galilei
"A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy."
      --- Jerry Seinfield
"Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, theyíve seen me laugh, and theyíve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo."
      --- Bill Maher
Recently, the nation's second-largest oil company, Chevron Texaco, announced it was buying rival Unocal Corp. A spokesman for Chevron Texaco, which made a $13 billion profit last year, says the new company will be called 'Bend Over, America!'
      ---Dennis Miller
"It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ashtrays for Mother's Day."
      ---Paul Clay
I'm addicted to placebos. I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference.
      ---Steven Wright
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"
      ---Rich Jeni
"New York's such a wonderful city. I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."
      ---Emo Philips
"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..."
      ---Emo Philips
"On cable TV they have a weather channel - 24 hours of weather. We had something like that where I grew up. We called it a window."
      --- Dan Spencer
"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?"
      --- Ronnie Shakes
"If it's beautifully arranged on the plate, you know someone's fingers have been all over it."
      --- Julia Child
"When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through."
      --- Rodney Dangerfield
"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home."
      --- Gene Perret
A lot of guys think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent she is. I don't think it works like that. I think it's the opposite. I think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent men become.
      --- Anita Wise
I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind.
      --- Steve Allen
"It's pretty lonely and sad to be single. Every night was the same for me, I'd go home and curl up in bed with my favorite book. Well, actually it was a magazine."
      ---Tom Arnold
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
      ---Emo Philips
"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian."
      ---Robert Orben
The good Lord never gives you more than you can handle... Unless you die of something.
      ---Guindon cartoon caption
"This time, like all times, is a very good one if we but know what to do with it."
      ---Ralph Waldo Emerson
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
      ---Woody Allen
"My mom is very possessive. She calls me up and says things like, 'You weren't home last night. Is something gong on?' I say, 'Yeah Mom, I'm cheating on you with another mother.'"
      ---Heidi Joyce
"When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile."
      --- George Burns
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two..."
      --- Sir Norman Wisdom
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas'."
      --- Claude D. Pepper
"Day 27 -- Bush uses 70,000 gallons of fuel to fly home to deal with the oil crisis."
      ---David Letterman, on the Bush vacation
"October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February."
      ---Mark Twain
Committees are a group of the unfit appointed by the unwilling to do the unneccessary.
      ---Carl c. Byers
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer."
      ---Douglas Adams
In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said 'Let there be light'. And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry.
      ---Kevin Krisciunas
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
      --- Phyllis Diller
Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.
      ---Ogden Nash
"President Bush has asked the FBI to start an anti-obscenity task force to the fight the war against pornography. ... Bush said he's serious about this war on pornography. He said he will seek out and find all weapons of mass -- turbation."
      ---Jay Leno
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
      ---Emo Philips
"After Mama gave birth to 12 of us kids, we put her up on a pedestal. It was mostly to keep Daddy away from her."
      ---Dolly Parton
"You can buy anything on eBay. I just bought the world's oldest globe. It's flat."
      ---Buzz Nutley
"You know, I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
      ---Ellen DeGeneres
"President Bush has pledged to grant millions of dollars in tax breaks to national casino companies rushing to rebuild casinos along the Gulf Coast, giving residents who haven't already lost their house a chance to do so."
      ---Daily Show commentator Lewis Black
"Harriet Miers, as you know, has no experience. Apparently no experience is the main requirement to be a Bush appointee."
      ---David Letterman
"It's year 5766 according to the Jewish calendar -- and I'm still writing 5765 on my checks!"
     
"Republican majority leader Tom DeLay was indicted and he was stripped of his congressional leadership powers. When asked what it feels like to lose all his power, DeLay said, 'I feel like a Democrat.'"
      ---Conan O'Brien
"...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women."
      ---A law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote.
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose."
      ---Dennis Miller
"The easiest job in the world has to be a coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse."
      ---Dennis Miller
"I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy."
      ---Steve Martin
[Introducing the best adapted screenplay at the 2003 Oscars]
"I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87."
      ---Steve Martin
"The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I've got my life."
      ---Jerry Seinfeld
"Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus this cup is expensive!'"
      ---Conan O'Brien
"Treason doth never prosper: what's the reason? Why, if it prosper, none dare call it treason."
      ---Sir John Harrington
You know what they call the guy who finishes last in medical school? They call him Doctor."
      ---Abe Lemons
"I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?"
      --- Emo Philips
"A Brown University graduate student in biology is wanted now for allegedly stealing a herpes virus from the university lab. Thatís when you know youíre a nerd, when you have to steal the herpes virus instead of going out and catching it in the wild like everyone else."
      ---Jay Leno
"CNN is reporting that Bill Gates, the richest man in the world has received a raise from Microsoft. Gates says that he is happy about the raise and now he can finally buy that Canada heís had his eye on."
      ---Conan O'Brien
"If convicted [Scooter] Libby could face the following penalties: obstruction of justice: 10 years in prison; making false statements: 5 years; perjury: 4 years; going to jail with the name Scooter: priceless."
      ---Tina Fey
"You know George Takei, the actor who played Mr. Sulu on "Star Trek"? He announced that he's gay. He wanted to do this a long time ago but was afraid he wouldn't be accepted by Star Trek fans. Why? They don't have sex with women either!"
      ---Jay Leno
"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."
      ---Emo Philips
"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."
      ---Wendy Leibman
Foreign aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
      --- ??
"When I was a baby, my father used to throw me up in the air and then...answer the phone."
      ---Rita Rudner
"I have no respect for gangs today. None. They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other."
      ---Robert G. Lee
"You usually know who's going to win pro-wrestling--the guy with the best nickname. Here, from Philadelphia, comes the iron man, Mike 'The Hammer' Armstrong, and his opponent, all the way from Scranton...Eugene!"
      ---Dan Wilson
"When it came to spankings, my dad never used a belt. One time he grabbed a piece of my Hot Wheels race car track. In my mind I'm thinking, 'Great, now I'm being beaten with my own toys...' Thank God I didn't get that wood burning set I wanted."
      ---Scott Wood
Never invite vegetarians to BBQ's, itís like inviting lesbians to a dick sucking festival.
      ---Eddie Olavarrieta
"Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"
      ---Rita Rudner
"The oldest bank robber in the United States, a 92-year-old man in Texas, has been sentenced to 12 years in prison. This is what scares me about our prison system. You know with good behavior he could be out and back on the streets by the time he's 98."
      ---Jay Leno
"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends."
      ---Scott Ostler
"There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for Walter O'Malley. There's nothing he wouldn't do for me. That's the way it is - we go through life doing nothing for each other."
      ---Gene Autry
In 1815 French chemist Michael Eugene Chevreul realized the first link between diabetes and sugar metabolism when he discovered that the urine of a diabetic was identical to grape sugar... ...It was also the first step in realizing he had WAY too much time on his hands.
      ---(Isaac Asimov's BOOK OF FACTS)
The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.
      ---Woody Allen
Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal.
      ---Steven Wright
"The U.S. Postal Service says they expect to handle twenty billion pieces of mail for the holidays. They'll only deliver about ten billion, but they'll handle twenty billion."
      ---Jay Leno
"Iraqi officials have announced that they captured al Zarkawi and then accidentally let him go! They let a crazed killer go. We would never do that in America. Okay other than O.J. and Robert Blake."
      ---Jay Leno
"In a recent interview, President Bush said, this is a quote, 'I know a lot of people who are glad that we're in Iraq.' When asked who, the president said the leaders of North Korea and Iran."
      ---Conan O'Brien
"Are you like me and think Christmas is starting earlier and earlier every year? For example, all those decorations up on 5th Avenue -- those are for next year."
      ---Dave Letterman
"Peace, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting."
      ---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
I can't believe I actually own my own house. I'm looking at a house and it's two hundred grand. The realtor says, "It's got a great view." For two hundred grand I better open up the curtains and see breasts against the window.
      ---Garry Shandling
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
      ---Will Rogers
"In disturbing medical news, a new study of 1,000 Americans finds that obesity in the United States has gotten so bad that there actually were, upon closer scrutiny, only 600 Americans involved in the study."
      ---Dave Barry
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
      --- (unknown)
"Who can say if I've been changed for the better, because I knew you I have been changed for good."
      ---Elphaba
Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it.
      ---Don Herold
"A homemade bomb was found in the bathroom of a Starbucks in San Francisco. Police defused the device, saving over $85 million worth of coffee. 100 people were evacuated from the shop. They were taken to the Starbucks two doors down."
      ---Jay Leno
"The inventor of LSD had his 100th birthday today. He celebrated his birthday with friends, family and a nine foot tall unicorn."
      ---Conan O'Brien
"Itís been unseasonably warm here in New York City. It feels like spring out. It was so warm today that cab drivers got confused and took their annual shower."
      ---David Letterman
"Some people have a way with words, and other people... not have way."
      ---Steve Martin
"The price of a postage stamp goes up two cents on Sunday. Iím hoping this cuts down on my hate mail. "
      ---David Letterman
"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
      ---Stephen King
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
      ---George Carlin
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
      ---Rita Rudner
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
      ---Sue Kolinsky
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
      ---Carol Leifer
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
      ---Ed Bluestone
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
      ---Jackie Gleason
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Do you want fries with that?"
      ---Jay Leno
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
      ---Roger Himon
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
      ---George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
      ---Billiam Coronel
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
      ---A. Whitney Brown
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
      ---Dave Barry
Suppose you were an idiot...And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself.
      ---Mark Twain
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
      ---A. Whitney Brown
My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
      ---Paula Poundstone
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my [Gosh]....I could be eating a slow learner.
      ---Lynda Montgomery
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
      ---Lily Tomlin
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
      ---Robin Williams
Following the Vatican declaration that women cannot become priests because they do not resemble Christ, sources reported that Colonel Sanders declared that he would not employ anyone who didn't resemble a chicken.
      ---Jane Curtin, SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
"People donít want handouts. People want hand jobs!"
      ---William OíNeill, governor of Connecticut, 1980-1991, at a campaign rally. The crowd erupted into boisterous applause.
People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it`s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
      --- ???
"Here is an odd story. A dentist in Britain has been banned from practicing dentistry after she allowed her unlicensed and untrained boyfriend to perform dental work on patients. How amazing is that? They have dentists in Britain? Who knew?"
      ---Jay Leno
"Al Gore announced he is finishing up a new book about global warming and the environment. Yeah, the first chapter talks about how you shouldn't chop down trees to make a book that no one will read."
      ---Conan O'Brien
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
      ---Emo Philips
"There's a huge controversy after the Bush administration demanded that the search engine Google turn over records of people who search for pornography. You know, there's a legal term for those people: Men."
      ---Jay Leno
According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal women were.
      ---Biker Lynn
"The Bush administration is asking Google to turn over all its records in a porn investigation. They want to know who has been using Google to look up porn. So you know what that means, we are all going to jail."
      ---Jay Leno
"If in the last few years you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead."
      ---Gelett Burgess
"Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
      ---A. L. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
"President Bush gave his State of the Union address. Or as they call that on ABC, 'Dancing with the Issues.'"
      ---Jay Leno
"It has been reported that Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter is writing a book about her relationship with her father. It's called 'Why I never got close to Dick.'"
      ---Conan O'Brien
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
      ---Steven Wright
My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
      ---Emo Philips
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
      ---Woody Allen
"I don't want to say the stones are getting old. But this is not the first time the Rolling Stones performed at an event where roman numerals were used."
      ---Jay Leno
"President Bush unveiled his new $2.2 trillion budget. Yeah, the president settled on $2 trillion after being told that $2 bazillion was not a real number."
      ---Conan O'Brien
"The last time I was in a woman I was visiting the Statue of Liberty."
      ---Woody Allen
"Judge Samuel Alito was confirmed today as the nation's 110th Supreme Court justice. President Bush congratulated Alito and said he hopes he gets along with the other 109 judges."
      ---Conan O'Brien
"Actually, President Bush...was quite optimistic. He explained that this is a wonderful, prosperous time for the United States, that things are going very well for Americans -- with the possible exception of those few people who don't own an oil company, but it's going very well."
      ---Jay Leno
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer."
      ---Douglas Adams
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
      --- Voltaire
"I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones."
      -- John Cage
"Everything should be as simple as possible, but no simpler."
      --- Albert Einstein
Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt . making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."
      ---Jon Stewart
"You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm going to get it, it's going to be in the back.'"
      ---Craig Ferguson
"The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet."
      ---David Letterman
Apparently the reason they didn't release the information right away is they said we had to get the facts right. That's never stopped them in the past."
      ---Craig Ferguson
"A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say 'How to Build a Boat.'"
      --- Steven Wright
"A study in Italy showed that people who eat a lot of pizza are less likely to get colon cancer. And another study says masturbation reduces risk of prostate cancer. It's what I've always said: Diet and exercise."
      ---Jay Leno
"Virtue is often the result of insufficient temptation."
      ---???